Unknown Emotion

So I wrote this story for a short story class that I was taking. This version is not finished because I guess I didn't save the ending onto the computer. The ending has to be re-typed once I get my paper back then I will add the ending to this. I was some what inspired to write this after reading Pride and Prejudice. I guess you would say I am a fool for those types of stories. Also there are some other changes within the story. Sorry if some lines are confusing.

Unknown Emotion
By Megan B.


There was an unexpected burst of cold wind from the east that suddenly put a chill in the air. The orange maple leaves, that continuously fell, were spiraling in the air as if it were a miniature tornado whirling across the land. In the Tutsel estates' garden, flowers of all types were flooding the area in which Elizabeth Tutsel and Nicolas Walden sat talking. They were conversing over what was to soon be announced that would dramatically change each of their lives.

During this time, 1812, a majority of marriages are planned from the time the child is born to the day they turn twenty. Most of the time the child is not clued on who they will be united with, some however are deeply involved in the selection of their future spouse. If the child is not involved, then they must wait for their twentieth birthday to be told whom they shall be wed to. Elizabeth and Nicolas’ twentieth birthday were only days apart and a conjoined ball had been planned for the twenty first of October, only a day away. It was convenient not only for the guests but, for the announcement that everybody has been longing to hear.

Elizabeth was brought up in a very wealthy family, living on a 30 acre parcel in a large but quaint house in the country. Vines that wound up the front of the house gave it almost an Italian wine house look, along with the green shrubbery in front of the house. She was as innocent as the house itself, not an impure flaw in sight. Being the only child, Elizabeth was not aloud to leave the property without her mother as a chaperone, until she had been courted and married by the man her mother chose for her. Her parents were very close to their nearest neighbors, the Walden’s, their son Nicolas was also very close to Elizabeth. The two of them had grown up together and were the best of friends; they knew everything about each other, or almost everything.
Elizabeth is a fair-skinned, blonde, and petite girl and the same age as Nicolas, 19. She saw herself with many flaws but, to a persons eye, she is merely the woman of any mans dreams. No one knew of the flaws she noticed with in herself, tiny little self conscience problems and the feeling of being cooped up like a gorgeous toucan trapped in a wire cage covered by a blanket, just wanting to break loose, show her true colors and fly away.
Back in the garden, Elizabeth and Nicolas are still talking over how life will change tomorrow at their ball. The conversation was getting intense and very deep. Elizabeth was now guessing who might be her soon-to-be fiancé.
“Ah! Mr. Nicholls! He must be the one! Mother always has him over for tea and she is constantly talking with his mother in private. He is a gentleman and very wealthy too. My mother would want that for me. Although, I’m not entirely sure I would enjoy a man with such wealth and power in the community, he is the Mayors son, after all “.
Chiming in, Nicolas Walden says, “Your mother knows you well, correct?”
“Yes…why?”
“Then she must know how you feel about a man with such wealth and status.”
“Yes”
“Then I don’t think she has chosen Mr. Nicholls.”
“Well that definitely makes since. Who else could it be, if not him?”
Nicolas was now overwhelmed in thought; everything said to him was only a slur. He came to a realization that he and his best friend were to be engaged to unknown people tomorrow evening. Twenty-four hours till their friendship would change drastically and they would eventually move away from each other.
Out of know where he says, “What will happen? I mean will be still be friends after the engagements tomorrow? Most everyone moves away from home after these engagements.”
Elizabeth, “Of course we will be friends, friends for life, remember? If one of us happens to move out of town we will write. We will write constantly, I promise.”
“What about when families are started? There would be no time to write a letter when there is a little one running around the house.”
“Then I shall make time, if that is the case.”
It was getting dark now in the garden and the two of them had decided to part their ways and go home to each of their beds and rest in preparation for the big announcement the next day.

On the day of the ball, Elizabeth was walking with her mother to the ballroom to overview the progress of the decorating being done. Workers were rushing around the room as if it was a well known dance with dozens of bouquets of flowers of every color to be placed on tables in the ballroom.
As her mom also rushed around the room directing each worker where to place the flower arrangements, Elizabeth became engulfed in thought and curiosity over tonight’s ball and announcement. In mid thought Nicolas’ mother walked in the room searching for Jane, Elizabeth’s’ mother. She wanted to privately discuss the announcement with Jane which meant Elizabeth had to leave the room. Upon exiting the room Elizabeth saw Nicolas approaching her,
“Have you seen my mother, I have an urgent question for her?”
“Indeed I have, she is with my mother in the ballroom discussing tonight’s ball with her.”
Nicolas said, “Thank you”, as he rushed off to the ballroom.

At the ballrooms double door entrance he stopped and heard the two mothers in deep conversation and he could see them seated at an over decorated table. He saw that his question was not important compared to how their conversation looked and decided to ask at another time. As Nicolas started to walk off he over heard his mother say, “Soon we shall be family, I am so happy for the children to be engaged at once”
“Yes, I am very happy too.”
This was too much for Nicolas; he was to be engaged to his best friend. And tonight too! How would Elizabeth take this? Her only friend and they are to be engaged?! Their love for one another is strong but, not in that way, never as strong as that. He ran off down the halls, which now seemed to be never ending and very much like a maze, to go home and think about this new found situation.

Now at home, Nicolas went up to his room to ponder this. Soon after questioning the motives of his mother and the mother of the girl whom he was to be wed to, he began to see why they had chosen one another for each other. It was perfect, absolutely perfect! It was a match made in heaven by God himself. Every aspect of their lives fit like a finished puzzle. Both of them enjoyed the same things, riding horses, drawing and painting, walks and also thought the same way. Every so often they would disagree on something but that was rare. Of course they had differences; Nicolas went hunting while Elizabeth thought that was “absolutely wrongful” and, Elizabeth crocheted which to Nicolas was a waste of time. Without much notice, he began to see their love as more than friends and as being in love, as in a more than friend kind of love. There was a light knock on Nicolas’ door which startled him; it was only the maid coming to tell him it is time to prepare for the ball. It had been 2 hours already? He had been in his room alone thinking all this time and the ball is in only half an hour. Nicolas hurried around to his wardrobe to find his finest tuxedo to wear at the ball, no tuxedo seemed right for this special occasion. All of this hit him in a flash and realized that in exactly one hour he will be on stage hearing the announcement that he already knew and who knew how Elizabeth would take the surprise.

i shall now commence to rudely rip apart your carefully planned story. (Sorry,)

1. (This is mostly me being a prick- don't pay too much attention! ) As I first started reading, I saw that the girl lived on a 30 acre peice of land. You say they are wealthy, but usually people with more money had inherited it back then, and along with inheirited land. No, I take that back; it depends on where you are I guess. If you are one of the writers from Europe, then yeah the 30 acre's are fine (Cause that' the size of a farm, am I right?). If you are one of the U.S writers, a bit of 120 acres sounds more appropriate for a wealthy family back then.

2. There were a few homophones that took the place of words in the piece, like 'since' instead of 'sense' and 'know where' instead of 'nowhere', not biggee's either.

3. I think more character details would make the story more intense. Not physical descriptions, dialogue descriptions. Such as, you can tell their mood's from their gruff words or eagerness from their shortness of breath and clipped tone. More personality, if you know what I mean...

4. I don't think they refered tuxedo's as 'tuxedos' back then. I think they were just called 'suits'.

5. I loved how well paced it was. It had good pictures and decent physical description, and I really hope you continue the story. I hope there's a twist! Can't wait to see where you go with it!

Hey, I love this piece. I agree with all of what WaywardBird said. I just loved it, keep writing it!
XxX

meganbrittany wrote:


There was an unexpected burst of cold wind from the east that suddenly put a chill in the air. Maybe that ___ a sudden chill in the air? I think that you could switch the word order and maybe change the word "put" to something a bit more... descriptive. Something. I dunno. The orange maple leaves, no comma needed that continuously fell, were spiralingSubstitute "were spiraling" with "spiraled". You want to use as much active voice as possible. Words like "was", "were" and "had" all create a passive voice. in the air as if it were a miniature tornado whirling across the land. In the Tutsel estates' garden, flowers of all types were flooding the area in which Elizabeth Tutsel and Nicolas Walden sat talking. They were conversing "conversing" sounds a bit awkward to me hereover what was to soon be announced that would dramatically change each of their lives.

During this time, 1812, a majority of marriages are planned from the time the child is born to the day they turn twenty. Most of the time the child is not clued on who they will be united with, some however are deeply involved in the selection of their future spouse. If the child is not involved, then they must wait for their twentieth birthday to be told whom they shall be wed to. Elizabeth and Nicolas’ twentieth birthday were only days apart and a conjoined ball had been planned for the twenty first of October, only a day away. It was convenient not only for the guests but, for the announcement that everybody has been longing to hear. The first part of this paragraph feels almost like the beginning of an info-dump. There was a bit too much telling- introduce the reader to the world and the time period's customs in a subtler manner.

Elizabeth was brought up in a very wealthy family, living on a 30 acre parcel in a large but quaint house in the country. Vines that wound up the front of the house gave it almost an Italian wine house look, along with the green shrubbery in front of the house. She was as innocent as the house itself, not an impure flaw in sight. Being the only child, Elizabeth was not aloud to leave the property without her mother as a chaperone, until she had been courted and married by the man her mother chose for her. Her parents were very close to their nearest neighbors, the Walden’s, their son Nicolas was also very close to Elizabeth. The two of them had grown up together and were the best of friends; they knew everything about each other, or almost everything.
Elizabeth is a fair-skinned, blonde, and petite girl and the same age as Nicolas, 19. She saw herself with many flaws but, to a persons eye, she is merely the woman of any mans dreams. No one knew of the flaws she noticed with in herself, tiny little self conscience problems and the feeling of being cooped up like a gorgeous toucan trapped in a wire cage covered by a blanket, just wanting to break loose, show her true colors and fly away.
Again, this is telling (the last two paragraphs). You want to "show, not tell," as cliche as the phrase is. I actually have something written up about the subject from a lesson I had to write that I found the other day.


----I grew up writing. I started my first book at 8. It was ridiculous, and stupid, and I still love it.
Anyways, the point is, that for years I heard the same phrases over and over and over again. The most prominent one was "Show, don't tell." Now, I'm assuming you've heard this, and it's been explained to you. If it has, feel free to skip the next two paragraphs.

These are two types of description. Telling is very blunt- you tell the reader what to see instead of allowing them to envision it themselves. It's something like this: "I walked into the barn,which was red. It was old. It was broken down." Sometimes, telling can almost sound like a blog or recollection of what happened. Oftentimes, telling distances the reader- it reminds them that they AREN'T there, up in space fighting striped aliens wielding fish with laser-eyes as weapons. It reminds them that this is happened to someone else, or that it never actually happened at all. And generally, that isn't very good.
Showing is generally more flowery, in a whole lot ways. At least, that's how it turns out a lot of the time for a lot of people. You can be concise, while still showing though. Showing can be something like this: "The door squeaked as I ducked my head into the barn. A large flake of old red paint fell to the ground as rusted hinges groaned again in disapproval of this treatment."
(Okay, just to say it now, most of my examples in here are probably going to be godawful. This is all typed straight in here, as I've said before. Okay, back to the point.)
Showing generally allows the reader to follow actions while reading the description. You hint at descriptions, rather than telling them. Description should be included with actions, or it will bore the reader. Everything should further the story in some way.(I'm terrible at doing that. What a hypocrite.)

Simplified:
Telling is what they do in history books.
Showing is what you're reading when you find yourself completely lost in a book. It's what lets people experience things that they're reading.



Now, here's the dilemma. This is drilled into us again and again as writers. I learned how to show (kind of) at a younger age. And now, the problem is, that I tend to over-show. Sometimes, it's just better to simply state something and get it over with. You have to make sure that you don't go overboard with it. It's easy to get wrapped up in description. So, my point is that it shouldn't be "Show, don't tell". It should be more along the lines of, "Learn how to perfectly weigh out your showing and telling so that your style is readable and allows the reader to interact with your story as they would prefer to". But, that's a little long.
Something that I try to remember while I'm writing and/or editing is this quote:


I try to leave out the parts that people skip. ~Elmore Leonard


Thanks for reading!
-Coral----
Okay- back to the story.



Back in the garden, Elizabeth and Nicolas are still talking over how life will change tomorrow at their ball. The conversation was getting intense and very deep. Elizabeth was now guessing who might be her soon-to-be fiancé. Would be it considered appropriate for a woman to discuss her possible- future suitor with a male friend?
“Ah! Mr. NichollsNicolas and Nicholls are a little two close letters-wise for them to be two major players in a story. It gets confusing is a reader goes quickly.! He must be the one! Mother always has him over for tea and she is constantly talking with his mother in private. He is a gentleman and very wealthy too. My mother would want that for me. Although, I’m not entirely sure I would enjoy a man with such wealth and power in the community, he is the Mayors son, after all “.Watch your dialog grammar.
Chiming in, Nicolas Walden says, “Your mother knows you well, correct?”
“Yes…why?”
“Then she must know how you feel about a man with such wealth and status.”
“Yes”
“Then I don’t think she has chosen Mr. Nicholls.”
“Well that definitely makes since. Who else could it be, if not him?”
Nicolas was now overwhelmed in thought; everything said to him was only a slur. He came to a realization that he and his best friend were to be engaged to unknown people tomorrow evening. Twenty-four hours till their friendship would change drastically and they would eventually move away from each other.
Out of know where he says, “What will happen? I mean will be still be friends after the engagements tomorrow? Most everyone moves away from home after these engagements.”
Elizabeth, “Of course we will be friends, friends for life, remember? If one of us happens to move out of town we will write. We will write constantly, I promise.”
“What about when families are started? There would be no time to write a letter when there is a little one running around the house.”
“Then I shall make time, if that is the case.”
It was getting dark now in the garden and the two of them had decided to part their ways and go home to each of their beds and rest in preparation for the big announcement the next day.

On the day of the ball, Elizabeth was walking with her mother to the ballroom to overview the progress of the decorating being done You can take out "being done". It's redundant.. Workers were rushing around the room as if it was a well known dance with dozens of bouquets of flowers of every color to be placed on tables in the ballroom.
As her mom also rushed around the room directing each worker where to place the flower arrangements, Elizabeth became engulfed in thought and curiosity over tonight’s ball and announcement. In mid thought Nicolas’ mother walked in the room searching for Jane, Elizabeth’s’ mother. She wanted to privately discuss the announcement with Jane which meant Elizabeth had to leave the room. Upon exiting the room Elizabeth saw Nicolas approaching her,
“Have you seen my mother, I have an urgent question for her?”Make those two separate sentences.
“Indeed I have, she is with my mother in the ballroom discussing tonight’s ball with her.”
Nicolas said, “Thank you”, as he rushed off to the ballroom.

At the ballrooms double door entrance he stopped and heard the two mothers in deep conversation and he could see them seated at an over decorated table. He saw that his question was not important compared to how their conversation looked and decided to ask at another time. As Nicolas started to walk off he over heard his mother say, “Soon we shall be family, I am so happy for the children to be engaged at once”
“Yes, I am very happy too.”
This was too much for Nicolas; he was to be engaged to his best friend. And tonight too! How would Elizabeth take this? Her only friend and they are to be engaged?! Their love for one another is strong but, not in that way, never as strong as that. He ran off down the halls, which now seemed to be never ending and very much like a maze, to go home and think about this new found situation.

Now at home, Nicolas went up to his room to ponder this. Soon after questioning the motives of his mother and the mother of the girl whom he was to be wed to, he began to see why they had chosen one another for each other. It was perfect, absolutely perfect! It was a match made in heaven by God himself. Every aspect of their lives fit like a finished puzzle. Both of them enjoyed the same things, riding horses, drawing and painting, walks and also thought the same way. Every so often they would disagree on something but that was rare. Of course they had differences; Nicolas went hunting while Elizabeth thought that was “absolutely wrongful” and, Elizabeth crocheted which to Nicolas was a waste of time. Without much notice, he began to see their love as more than friends and as being in love, as in a more than friend kind of love. There was a light knock on Nicolas’ door which startled him; it was only the maid coming to tell him it is time to prepare for the ball. It had been 2 hours already? He had been in his room alone thinking all this time and the ball is in only half an hour. Nicolas hurried around to his wardrobe to find his finest tuxedo to wear at the ball, no tuxedo seemed right for this special occasion. All of this hit him in a flash and realized that in exactly one hour he will be on stage hearing the announcement that he already knew and who knew how Elizabeth would take the surprise.

Overall:


So I think this was good! You have a really cute story and a nice balance of description and action. I would work on "showing" some more, and maybe try to make the plot a little more subtle, but it's really good so far. I'm looking forward to reading the rest.

-Coral-