Lie To Me~2

2



My parents hadn’t returned home when I got home. I hurriedly stuffed my guitar underneath my bed, put a cardigan on over my ‘slutty’ tank top and grabbed my contraband laptop. I logged in, tapping in my password.

This laptop is filled with all the songs I wrote, dating back to the year before Nate and I got together. I start to click on random files, trying to determine if any of them would be good enough to show Tyler.

“Hey, Melody.” My mother walked through the front door. She stopped at the entrance to the living room, staring not at me, but at the laptop on my lap. I looked up, my lime green eyes widened in a perfect imitation of a deer in the headlights.

“Who’s is that?” my mothers voice became a low growl. Her red hair was falling out of the professional bun she kept it in and her green eyes glared daggers at me.

“It’s Kara’s.” I lied. Kara was my best friend, and had been since grade two. She was allowed everything I wasn’t, so she had an iPhone, facebook, myspace and twitter accounts and her own laptop. She, actually, was the one who pushed me to audition for Tyler. I’d have to call her and tell her to tell her how that went.

“Oh.” My mother said, “did you see her today?” I shook my head.

“I stayed here all day.” I lied again. My mother’s eyes narrowed and I knew she didn’t believe her. She pursed her bow shaped lips and raised one eyebrow.

“I swear.” I said, smiling a small, see-through smile. My mother turned to head into the kitchen.

“So,” she said over the clanging in the kitchen, “I talked to Vanessa Shaw today. I hate that woman.”

“Vanessa Shaw?” I asked, trying to appear slightly confused. My mother ran a hand through her hair, effortlessly pulling the elastic band out. He hair tumbled over her shoulders making her look twenty-five, not fourty-five.

“That woman is raising a criminal. I think his name is Tyler or something. Thank god you aren’t friends with him.” My mother continued, “he started a band. A band that, no doubt, will play that terrible rock music.” A heat rose to my face and underarms. I would have loved to tell my mom that I was the new lead singer of said band and watch her ground me for the rest of my life.

“Wow.” I said, “that sounds…terrible?” I asked, wondering if it was the response my mother wanted. She had always been like that. You always had to have the correct answer or she would yell at you for not having the same opinions.

I lived in a very conforming household.

“Hey, super slut! Open up, Bitch!” I could hear Kara pounding on the door. I put my laptop on the couch beside me and opened the door before more words could spew from Kara’s mouth.

“Hello, Kara.” My mother called from the kitchen

“Hey, Mrs. H.” Kara said. I grabbed her arm, pulling her up the stairs.

“My bedroom, now.” I said, pushing her in and slamming her door behind me. Kara sat on my bed and stared at me, her dark brown eyes wide and flashing with excitement.

“Is this about a little audition I sent you to today?” Kara asked, her tone wheedling. She puts a lock of her sandy blonde hair into her mouth, chews and stares at me.

“Stop that.” I said, lying down next to her. I grin up at the ceiling. I didn’t want to forget the way Tyler had looked at me before he offered to walk me home. I giggled and blushed. Kara kicked my leg.

“Why are you giggling?” Kara asked. I sat up, facing her so our noses are an inch apart.

“Oh, god, you have that look. Are you in love with Tyler?” Kara asked. I began to laugh harder then before, covering my mouth.

“Oh, dear god, you’re high.” Kara said, grabbing my shoulders to shake me.

“No, I’m not high,” I said, “I may have a tiny crush on someone, but I’m not high.” Kara rolled her eyes, and grabbed the gold picture frame that stood on my bedside table.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but remember the last time you had a crush on someone?” Kara asked me, pushing the frame onto my stomach. With that, she got up and left my bedroom. I heard her clomp down the stairs, heard the door slam as she exited.

I put a hand on the picture frame, and sighed, lifting it up the frame. I knew what it was. I hadn’t seen the picture in almost a year.

I won't really review on content, because i have yet to read the 1st chapter, but on everything else.
Grammar is in red.

wickedwonder wrote:2



My parents hadn’t returned home when I got home. I hurriedly stuffed my guitar underneath my bed, put a cardigan on over my ‘slutty’ tank top and grabbed my contraband laptop. I logged in, tapping in my password.

This laptop is filled with all the songs I wrote, dating back to the year before Nate and I got together. I start to click on random files, trying to determine if any of them would be good enough to show Tyler.

“Hey, Melody.” My mother walked through the front door. She stopped at the entrance to the living room, staring not at me, but at the laptop on my lap. I looked up, my lime green eyes widened in a perfect imitation of a deer in the headlights.

“Whose is that?” my mothers voice became a low growl. Her red hair was falling out of the professional bun she kept it in and her green eyes glared daggers at me.

“It’s Kara’s.” I lied. Kara was my best friend, and had been since grade two. She was allowed everything I wasn’t, so she had an iPhone, facebook, myspace , twitter accounts and her own laptop. She, actually, was the one who pushed me to audition for Tyler. I’d have to call her and tell her to tell her how that went.

“Oh.” My mother said, “Did you see her today?” I shook my head.

“I stayed here all day.” I lied again. My mother’s eyes narrowed and I knew she didn’t believe her. She pursed her bow shaped lips and raised one eyebrow.

“I swear.” I said, smiling a small, see-through smile. My mother turned to head into the kitchen.

“So,” she said over the clanging in the kitchen, “I talked to Vanessa Shaw today. I hate that woman.”

“Vanessa Shaw?” I asked, trying to appear slightly confused. My mother ran a hand through her hair, effortlessly pulling the elastic band out. He hair tumbled over her shoulders making her look twenty-five, not forty-five.

“That woman is raising a criminal. I think his name is Tyler or something. Thank god you aren’t friends with him.” My mother continued, “He started a band. A band that, no doubt, will play that terrible rock music.” A heat rose to my face and underarms. I would have loved to tell my mom that I was the new lead singer of said band and watch her ground me for the rest of my life.

“Wow.” I said, “That sounds…terrible?” I asked, wondering if it was the response my mother wanted. She had always been like that. You always had to have the correct answer or she would yell at you for not having the same opinions.

I lived in a very conforming household.

“Hey, super slut! Open up, Bitch!” I could hear Kara pounding on the door. I put my laptop on the couch beside me and opened the door before more words could spew from Kara’s mouth.

“Hello, Kara.” My mother called from the kitchen

“Hey, Mrs. H.” Kara said. I grabbed her arm, pulling her up the stairs.

“My bedroom, now.” I said, pushing her in and slamming her door behind me. Kara sat on my bed and stared at me, her dark brown eyes wide and flashing with excitement.

“Is this about a little audition I sent you to today?” Kara asked, her tone wheedling. She put a lock of her sandy blonde hair into her mouth, chewed and stared at me.

* change in tense is quit confusing and inconsistent.lol

“Stop that!” I said?(more liked, yelled, or something, right?), laying down next to her. I grinned up at the ceiling. I didn’t want to forget the way Tyler had looked at me before he offered to walk me home. I giggled and blushed. Kara kicked my leg.

“Why are you giggling?” Kara asked. I sat up, facing her so our noses were an inch apart.

“Oh, god, you have that look. Are you in love with Tyler?” Kara asked. I began to laugh harder then before, covering my mouth.

“Oh, dear god, you’re high.” Kara said, grabbing my shoulders to shake me.

“No, I’m not high,” I said, “I may have a tiny crush on someone, but I’m not high.” Kara rolled her eyes, and grabbed the gold picture frame that stood on my bedside table.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but remember the last time you had a crush on someone?” Kara asked me, pushing the frame onto my stomach. With that, she got up and left my bedroom. I heard her clomp down the stairs, heard the door slam as she exited.

I put a hand on the picture frame, and sighed, lifting it up the frame. I knew what it was. I hadn’t seen the picture in almost a year.

Overall, from what i have read, it was nice.
Just a few structural errors, but it flows.
----------------------
-jojo.

here for ch. 2!

2



My parents hadn’t returned home when I got home. I hurriedly stuffed my guitar underneath my bed, put a cardigan on over my ‘slutty’ tank top and grabbed my contraband laptop. I logged in, tapping in my password.

This laptop is filled with all the songs I wrote, dating back to the year before Nate and I got together. I start to click on random files, trying to determine if any of them would be good enough to show Tyler.

“Hey, Melody.” My mother walked through the front door. She stopped at the entrance to the living room, staring not at me, but at the laptop on my lap. I looked up, my lime green eyes widened in a perfect imitation of a deer in the headlights.

“Who’s is that?” my mothers voice became a low growl. Her red hair was falling out of the professional bun she kept it in and her green eyes glared daggers at me.

“It’s Kara’s.” I lied. Kara was my best friend, and had been since grade two. She was allowed everything I wasn’t, so she had an iPhone, facebook, myspace and twitter accounts and her own laptop. She, actually, was the one who pushed me to audition for Tyler. I’d have to call her and tell her to tell her how that went.

“Oh.” My mother said, “did you see her today?” I shook my head.

“I stayed here all day.” I lied again. My mother’s eyes narrowed and I knew she didn’t believe her. She pursed her bow shaped lips and raised one eyebrow.

“I swear.” I said, smiling a small, see-through smile. My mother turned to head into the kitchen.

“So,” she said over the clanging in the kitchen, “I talked to Vanessa Shaw today. I hate that woman.”

“Vanessa Shaw?” I asked, trying to appear slightly confused. My mother ran a hand through her hair, effortlessly pulling the elastic band out. He hair tumbled over her shoulders making her look twenty-five, not fourty-five.

“That woman is raising a criminal. I think his name is Tyler or something. Thank god you aren’t friends with him.” My mother continued, “he started a band. A band that, no doubt, will play that terrible rock music.” A heat rose to my face and underarms. I would have loved to tell my mom that I was the new lead singer of said band and watch her ground me for the rest of my life.

“Wow.” I said, “that sounds…terrible?” I asked, wondering if it was the response my mother wanted. She had always been like that. You always had to have the correct answer or she would yell at you for not having the same opinions.

I lived in a very conforming household.

“Hey, super slut! Open up, Bitch!”
I could hear Kara pounding on the door. I put my laptop on the couch beside me and opened the door before more words could spew from Kara’s mouth.

“Hello, Kara.” My mother called from the kitchen

“Hey, Mrs. H.” Kara said. I grabbed her arm, pulling her up the stairs.

“My bedroom, now.” I said, pushing her in and slamming her
I think you mean my
door behind me. Kara sat on my bed and stared at me, her dark brown eyes wide and flashing with excitement.

“Is this about a little audition I sent you to today?” Kara asked, her tone wheedling. She puts a lock of her sandy blonde hair into her mouth, chews and stares at me.

“Stop that.” I said, lying down next to her. I grin up at the ceiling. I didn’t want to forget the way Tyler had looked at me before he offered to walk me home. I giggled and blushed. Kara kicked my leg.

“Why are you giggling?” Kara asked. I sat up, facing her so our noses are an inch apart.

“Oh, god, you have that look. Are you in love with Tyler?” Kara asked. I began to laugh harder then before, covering my mouth.

“Oh, dear god, you’re high.” Kara said, grabbing my shoulders to shake me.

“No, I’m not high,” I said, “I may have a tiny crush on someone, but I’m not high.” Kara rolled her eyes, and grabbed the gold picture frame that stood on my bedside table.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but remember the last time you had a crush on someone?” Kara asked me, pushing the frame onto my stomach. With that, she got up and left my bedroom. I heard her clomp down the stairs, heard the door slam as she exited.

I put a hand on the picture frame, and sighed, lifting it up the frame. I knew what it was. I hadn’t seen the picture in almost a year.

Questions:
~is the laptop hers?
~how does she do school work if she doesn't have a laptop?
~how old is this girl?

the grammar is better in this one. I still think its not the best I've read of yours. I just feel you could do better.

~Pointe

Hello.

I have some nitpicks again... It might be just me being over the top though.

My parents hadn’t yet returned home when I got home.

The repetition of home was okay, but I think it sounds better this way.

I started to click on random files, trying to determine if any of them would be good enough to show Tyler.

It was in present tense.

my mother's voice became a low growl.

I’d have to call her and tell her to tell her how that went.

My mother’s eyes narrowed and I knew she didn’t believe me.

I believe you wanted to say me, not her?

I said, pushing her in and slamming the door behind me.

I began to laugh harder than before, covering my mouth.

Whoa, is Kara mad? If so, why? I must say I'm a little bit lost. Another thing is... Did she actually knew Tyler before the audition? You mentioned that they were in the same classes in the previous chapter, if I remember right. What I'm getting to, is that did she just fall in love, or crushed, on him in one day? Because that's what I understood, and I don't think it's really realistic... Maybe add some information on their past, or rather the non-existence of it? And maybe say that she found him hot? I don't know, these are just suggestions, and it's my opinion.

Other then that, it's pretty good. Going along great, keep working!

-Other One

My parent's hadn't returned home when I got home. Huh this makes no sense do you mean ' My parents weren't home when i walked in?' I hurriedly. Is that a word stuffed my guitar underneath my bed, put a cardigan on over my ‘slutty’ tank top and grabbed my contraband laptop. I logged in, tapping typing in my password. I don't think you would call your own clothes sluty. I'm not sure?

This laptop is filled with all the songs I wrote, dating back to the year before Nate and I got together. I start to click on random files, trying to determine if any of them would be good enough to show Tyler. Good i like this

“Hey, Melody.” My mother walked through the front door. She stopped at the entrance to the living room, staring not at me, but at the laptop on my lap. I looked up, my lime green eyes widened in a perfect imitation of a deer in the headlights. I laughed at this,i could just imagin it
“Who’s is that?” my mothers voice became a low growl. Her red hair was falling out of the professional bun she kept it in and her green eyes glared daggers at me. Dosen't make sense, who is she talking about, do you mean what is that or who owns that??

“It’s Kara’s.” I lied. Kara was my best friend, and had been since grade two. She was allowed everything I wasn’t, so she had an iPhone, facebook, myspace and twitter accounts and her own laptop. She, actually, was the one who pushed me to audition for Tyler. I’d have to call her and tell her to tell her how that went. Why would you borrow your friends laptop, how did she get the laptop without her mum knowing is it hers?? Confused.

“Oh.” My mother said, “did you see her today?” I shook my head. Mode swings, my mum wouldn't just change the subject like that, I don't think anyones would you would usally get questioned.

“I stayed here all day.” I lied again. My mother’s eyes narrowed and I knew she didn’t believe her. She pursed her bow shaped lips and raised one eyebrow. That is a very bad lie, i laughed maybe her mum had come home and she hadn't been there.

“I swear.” I said, smiling a small, see-through smile. My mother turned to head into the kitchen.

“So,” she said over the clanging in the kitchen, “I talked to Vanessa Shaw today. I hate that woman.” That is awful, no parent would say they hated someone but it's funny.
“Vanessa Shaw?” I asked, trying to appear slightly confused. My mother ran a hand through her hair, effortlessly pulling the elastic band out. He hair tumbled over her shoulders making her look twenty-five, not fourty-five.

“That woman is raising a criminal. I think his name is Tyler or something. Thank god you aren’t friends with him.” My mother continued, “he started a band. A band that, no doubt, will play that terrible rock music.” A heat rose to my face and underarms. I would have loved to tell my mom that I was the new lead singer of said band and watch her ground me for the rest of my life. Her under arms that is a bit discusting “Wow.” I said, “that sounds…terrible?” I asked, wondering if it was the response my mother wanted. She had always been like that. You always had to have the correct answer or she would yell at you for not having the same opinions.

I lived in a very conforming household.

“Hey, super slut! Open up, Bitch!” I could hear Kara pounding on the door. I put my laptop on the couch beside me and opened the door before more words could spew from Kara’s mouth.
Would she not run to the door, if she heard it did her mum not?“Hello, Kara.” My mother called from the kitchen

“Hey, Mrs. H.” Kara said. I grabbed her arm, pulling her up the stairs. I was a bit confused on what was going on “My bedroom, now.” I said, pushing her in and slamming her door behind me. Kara sat on my bed and stared at me, her dark brown eyes wide and flashing with excitement.

“Is this about a little audition I sent you to today?” Kara asked, her tone wheedling. She puts a lock of her sandy blonde hair into her mouth, chews and stares at me.

“Stop that.” I said, lying down next to her. I grin up at the ceiling. I didn’t want to forget the way Tyler had looked at me before he offered to walk me home. I giggled and blushed. Kara kicked my leg. Stop what?
“Why are you giggling?” Kara asked. I sat up, facing her so our noses are an inch apart.

“Oh, god, you have that look. Are you in love with Tyler?” Kara asked. I began to laugh harder then before, covering my mouth.
She must be some kind of genius
“Oh, dear god, you’re high.” Kara said, grabbing my shoulders to shake me. lovely
“No, I’m not high,” I said, “I may have a tiny crush on someone, but I’m not high.” Kara rolled her eyes, and grabbed the gold picture frame that stood on my bedside table. I laughed so hard

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but remember the last time you had a crush on someone?” Kara asked me, pushing the frame onto my stomach. With that, she got up and left my bedroom. I heard her clomp down the stairs, heard the door slam as she exited. Some friend, but i like her, can you describe what she looks like? it would help this chapter.

I put a hand on the picture frame, and sighed, lifting it up the frame i dont' know did you repeat yourself by accidenr?. I knew what it was. I hadn’t seen the picture in almost a year.

[color=#FF0000]AMAZING!!!!! Keep writting.[/color]

wickedwonder wrote:2



My parents hadn’t returned home when I got home. I hurriedly stuffed my guitar underneath my bed, put a cardigan on over my ‘slutty’ tank top and grabbed my contraband laptop. I logged in, tapping in my password.

This laptop is filled with all the songs I wrote, dating back to the year before Nate and I got together. I start to click on random files, trying to determine if any of them would be good enough to show Tyler.

“Hey, Melody.” My mother walked through the front door. She stopped at the entrance to the living room, staring not at me, but at the laptop on my lap. I looked up, my lime green eyes widened in a perfect imitation of a deer in the headlights.

“Who’s is that?” my mothers voice became a low growl. Her red hair was falling out of the professional bun she kept it in and her green eyes glared daggers at me.

“It’s Kara’s.” I lied. Kara was my best friend, and had been since grade two. She was allowed everything I wasn’t, so she had an iPhone, facebook, myspace and twitter accounts and her own laptop. She, actually, was the one who pushed me to audition for Tyler. I’d have to call her and tell her to tell her how that went.

“Oh.” My mother said, “Did you see her today?” I shook my head.

“I stayed here all day.” I lied again. My mother’s eyes narrowed and I knew she didn’t believe me. She pursed her bow shaped lips and raised one eyebrow.

“I swear.” I said, smiling a small, see-through smile. My mother turned to head into the kitchen.
what is a "see-through smile?
“So,” she said over the clanging in the kitchen, “I talked to Vanessa Shaw today. I hate that woman.”

“Vanessa Shaw?” I asked, trying to appear slightly confused. My mother ran a hand through her hair, effortlessly pulling the elastic band out. He hair tumbled over her shoulders making her look twenty-five, not forty-five.

“That woman is raising a criminal. I think his name is Tyler or something. Thank god you aren’t friends with him.” My mother continued, “He started a band. A band that, no doubt, will play that terrible rock music.” A heat rose to my face and underarms. I would have loved to tell my mom that I was the new lead singer of said band and watch her ground me for the rest of my life.

“Wow.” I said, “That sounds…terrible?” I asked, wondering if it was the response my mother wanted. She had always been like that. You always had to have the correct answer or she would yell at you for not having the same opinions.

I lived in a very conforming household.

“Hey, super slut! Open up, Bitch!” I could hear Kara pounding on the door. I put my laptop on the couch beside me and opened the door before more words could spew from Kara’s mouth.
Since this person's mom seems to be very strict, wouldn't she have a problem with her daughter's best friend calling her things like this, instead of just saying "hello kara"?
“Hello, Kara.” My mother called from the kitchen

“Hey, Mrs. H.” Kara said. I grabbed her arm, pulling her up the stairs.

“My bedroom, now.” I said, pushing her in and slamming her door behind me. Kara sat on my bed and stared at me, her dark brown eyes wide and flashing with excitement.

“Is this about a little audition I sent you to today?” Kara asked, her tone wheedling. She puts a lock of her sandy blond hair into her mouth, chews, and stares at me.

“Stop that.” I said, laying down next to her. I grin up at the ceiling. I didn’t want to forget the way Tyler had looked at me before he offered to walk me home. I giggled and blushed. Kara kicked my leg.

“Why are you giggling?” Kara asked. I sat up, facing her so our noses were an inch apart.

“Oh, god, you have that look. Are you in love with Tyler?” Kara asked. I began to laugh harder then before, covering my mouth.

“Oh, dear god, you’re high.” Kara said, grabbing my shoulders to shake me.

“No, I’m not high,” I said, “I may have a tiny crush on someone, but I’m not high.” Kara rolled her eyes, and grabbed the gold picture frame that stood on my bedside table.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but remember the last time you had a crush on someone?” Kara asks me, pushing the frame onto my stomach. With that, she got up and left my bedroom. I heard her clomp down the stairs, heard the door slam as she exited.

I put a hand on the picture frame, and sighed, lifting it up the frame. I knew what it was. I hadn’t seen the picture in almost a year.

Other then those tiny things that are just grammatically incorrect, this chapter was as good as chapter 1. Once again, it was a little short, but I guess that is just you, as I am used to writing long chapters.
Keep up the good work, and I'll review your other chapters when I get the chance!

CassidyRose