( the beginning of ) I Write Tragedy, Can I Write Yours?

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This is the beginning of a short story im working on. Sort of a rough draft still, but I wanted to put it up. Remember I am continuously changing it, and putting more up seeing as its a Rough draft

5’8 and radiant, Alice sauntered down the side walk allowing society admire her beauty. She had a slender, flawless body, anyone would be envious of. Finally. It was only a year ago she had been hundred and thirty pounds. Since then she had developed, what seemed like a perfect diet, to her. She abandoned eating. She was sharp now, if you weren’t careful you could cut your self on her. No one would ever call her fat again, and she recognized it.
Her brown hair lay on her shoulders. It was an elegant auburn color. Not equivalent to the hideous red hair she used to posses. People would identify her a ginger. They would make fun of her hair that mirrored tomato paste, ceaseless said she had no soul. Now, with auburn hair no one would ever stair at her to long, or begin mumbling to their friends as she wandered by. Those things that used to make her bawl her eyes out at night had ceased, yet that did not mean she had ceased crying.
Baby blue eyes shined from beneath her eye lashes that were coated in layers of mascara. A ton of cover up, masked the freckles that her mom once admired. Her mom would say they were adorable, everyone else said they were childlike. Like every other blemish she got disposed of them.
Last October, Alice transferred to Douglass High School. It was supposed to be a new start for her, and it was. She effortlessly ascended to the top of the food chain. Everyone idolized the graceful, flawless girl. Everyone, but her self. In her eyes she would never be good enough for anything.
The bells on the art shop’s door rang as Alice closed the door. She gave a short nod to the petite, Chinese woman behind the counter. Alice had discovered this quaint shop about a year ago. It was a small shop at the end of a strip mall, only a block away from her current school. She would come here every Friday with a cup of hot chocolate, from the cafe down the street , and would glance through the endless rows of art supplies. It Alice’s corner of world.
Alice took a quick sip of her low fat hot chocolate, and pranced to the back of the old store. She was a woman on a mission. Relieved to find the sales were still going on, she picked up a pack of 50% off razors, steered toward the check out, but suddenly dropped them when she saw him through the antique windows of the shop. Aaron.
Aaron Ray Johnson was Alice’s crush from middle school. She was crazy about him. He was the only boy in her middle school that ever said anything to her. Aaron was sweet, kind, and never said a bad word about her, or so she thought. Everyday of middle school Alice would come into school carrying her Paramore backpack. And everyday Aaron would nod, and smile at her. She never got the nerve to go talk to him, believing she was ugly, gross, and bad to be seen around.
The “pretty” girls would make fun of her crush on Aaron, but how could she help it? He was tall, brilliant and attractive. They would sing elementary song, like “ Aaron and Alice sitting in a tree...”. Alice knew how immature and ugly they really were, but it was like no one else could see the truth of “pretty” girls.
Aaron pulled opened the door the shop. She panicked, grabbed her razors, and hid behind a shelf. He walked passed her. She could smell his cologne wafting her way. Alice turned around heaving a sigh of relief, thinking he had not seen her. Someone tapped on her shoulder.
Her hands began to sweat as she turned around, and stood face to face with Aaron.

“Hey, do I know you?” His voice was like honey to her ears.
Be smooth. She thought to her self, and smiled at him. “ I don’t think so.”
“Oh,” He looked disappointed. “ Sorry.”
“ Don’t be, my name is Alice.” She held out her hand for him to shake.
A grin emerged on his face, and he gripped her hand, “ I'm Aaron.”
“So, what did you come to the store for?”
Last edited by Boolovesyou on Fri Dec 31, 2010 7:24 am, edited 4 times in total.
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.




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Alright, so, good beginning.

A couple of things confused me

She had a slim, perfect body, she was perfect.


The use of perfect twice here didn't work.

She was sharp now, if you weren’t careful you could cut your self on her.


Good imagery there.

So, You have enough description and detail, now you just need more emotion. How does she feel about all this? WHy did she do all this. I'm assuming she had some sort of eating disorder. Build on that.

~WickedWonder
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*




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Really nice.
I shall review paragraph by paragraph.

5’8 and beautiful, Alice pranced down the side walk letting people admire her beauty. She had a slim, perfect body, she was perfect. Finally. It was only a year ago she had been hundred and eighty pounds. Since then she had started on what seemed like a perfect diet, to her. She stopped eating. She was sharp now, if you weren’t careful you could cut your self on her. No one would ever call her fat again, and she knew it.

1.) It's a little awkward to begin the first sentence of a story. I think it would be better suited if you changed it to -" ___ was five feet and eight inches of perfection.."
2.)You don't really need to use "perfect" twice. It's redundant.Try making that all one sentence.



Her brown hair lay on her shoulders. It was a glamourous chestnut color. Not like the ugly red hair she use to posses. People would call her a ginger. They would make fun of her hair that resembles tomato paste, even said she had no soul. All because of her hair(what?). Now, with chestnut hair no one would ever stare at her too long, or start whispering to their friends as she walked by.


Blue eyes shined from beneath her eye lashes that were covered in layers of mascara. A ton of cover up, covered the freckles that her mom once loved. Her mom would say they were adorable, every one else said they were childish. *Like every other imperfection she got rid of them.

*"She got rid of them, along with every other imperfection", sounds a lot smoother.

Last October, Alice transferred to Douglass High School. It was supposed to be a new start for her, and it was. She easily climbed to the top of the food chain. Everyone adored the beautiful, flawless girl. Every one,that is, but her self.

***

( this could is a scene change, right? s maybe you could start a different chapter, or add ***'s to make it more clear.)

The bells on the art shop’s door rang as Alice closed the door. She gave a short nod to the short woman behind the counter. Alice has found this quaint shop about a year ago. She would come here every Friday with a cup of hot chocolate, from the café down the street , and would look through the endless rows of art supplies. It (was?)Alice’s corner of world.


Overall, it's a nice beginning, but many of the issues aren't with grammar, just with organization.
Reorganizing your story details would help a lot.
Great job, though!
------------------
-jojo.
Solvalery/GeeLyria Fans
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Hello there, Boolovesyou! I hope you are having a good day. ;)

Now, I shan't focus on the nitpicks in this short story, because for the most part the users above me have taken care of that with their paragraph-by-paragraph reviews. To begin this review, I would like to say that for some reason I find myself thinking that the title does not fit the "voice" of this character and also the theme of this story so far, at least in my mind. The title makes me think I'll be reading a witty, sarcastic, diary-type deal full of teenage angst and backstabbing, etc., which so far seems misleading.

A second problem I identified in this story was just the first line itself (I promised no nitpicks, but this was just maddening to me). I find that, personally, starting with a number is just frustrating to me. However, I must praise you how you introduce the place, character, and even throw in some description all in the first line, which is key. Aside from that, perhaps you should spend more time explaining certain things. For example, when you say:
Boolovesyou wrote:Every one adored the beautiful, flawless girl. Every one, but her self.

I wish you would explain why she is unhappy. It seems like Alice has the perfect life - she's popular, beautiful, etcetera, so why is she unhappy with herself? Enlighten us!

Overall, this is a good start to your short story - I have been hooked enough to want to read more, which is exactly what you want. I do think your title seems misleading at this point, as it doesn't fit your character's voice, and that bothers me - also, watch your apostrophes: it's not "Im" it's "I'm." Be careful with you spelling as well. Also, be sure to mention the scenery - describe the dusty tables in the art shop, or something to help us get a clearer picture in our mind!

I hope this helps.

- Mizz
"Chase your dreams, and remember me, speak bravery,
Because after all, those wings will take you up so high."
-- Owl City, "To the Sky"
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Mizzle wrote:Hello there, Boolovesyou! I hope you are having a good day. ;)

Now, I shan't focus on the nitpicks in this short story, because for the most part the users above me have taken care of that with their paragraph-by-paragraph reviews. To begin this review, I would like to say that for some reason I find myself thinking that the title does not fit the "voice" of this character and also the theme of this story so far, at least in my mind. The title makes me think I'll be reading a witty, sarcastic, diary-type deal full of teenage angst and backstabbing, etc., which so far seems misleading.

A second problem I identified in this story was just the first line itself (I promised no nitpicks, but this was just maddening to me). I find that, personally, starting with a number is just frustrating to me. However, I must praise you how you introduce the place, character, and even throw in some description all in the first line, which is key. Aside from that, perhaps you should spend more time explaining certain things. For example, when you say:
Boolovesyou wrote:Every one adored the beautiful, flawless girl. Every one, but her self.

I wish you would explain why she is unhappy. It seems like Alice has the perfect life - she's popular, beautiful, etcetera, so why is she unhappy with herself? Enlighten us!

Overall, this is a good start to your short story - I have been hooked enough to want to read more, which is exactly what you want. I do think your title seems misleading at this point, as it doesn't fit your character's voice, and that bothers me - also, watch your apostrophes: it's not "Im" it's "I'm." Be careful with you spelling as well. Also, be sure to mention the scenery - describe the dusty tables in the art shop, or something to help us get a clearer picture in our mind!

I hope this helps.

- Mizz


I would like to point out some of your nit picks are foreshadowing, and when I finish you will understand. =p
Milestiba uzvar visu, Milestiba ir upuris.




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Cool!
Sorry, I'm no good at writing reviews.
There were a few spelling mistakes but none that are too obvious! :D
Love it anyway <3! :D U were born to write!!! :D !!!
-SKEBE



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