Lie To Me~1

Pure romantic fluff! Yes! I'm excited! I also have a semi-plan for this, so hopefully it won't fall through! The ending needs work, yes, but it was the best I could come up with on no sleep.

1





Nathan Perkins killed himself when I was sixteen. I was also his girlfriend, a fact that mattered to the press. For about six months, I was the thing they thrived on, long after the depression for his death had long past.

Then, I stopped getting pitying cards, and the sympathetic looks in the street. The whispers- HER boyfriend killed himself! It’s HER-stopped dead in their tracks.

Ten months after, all the media attention stopped. I mean, I was glad for it, glad I could finally put down the nine-word note he had written me.

Melody-

I love you, but I love her as well.

I tore that note up and threw it in the trash. I was over Nate.



The fourth time I talked to Tyler Shaw, I was singing. His band was holding auditions, I was a singer. It was basically a match made in rock star heaven.

As I sang, strumming the acoustic guitar that Nate had given me, I stared right into Tyler Shaw’s sage green eyes, watched him flick his dark hair out of those eyes. I think I was falling in love. I pushed the thought from my mind. My last boyfriend

I finished the song, and Tyler stood up. He appraised me, giving me a slow once over. That was all for suspense. I couldn’t read what he was thinking, and he wanted it that way.

I regretted even going to the audition. I regretted even stepping foot into the small, cold room.

“Well, Melody.” Tyler spoke. His voice was full and reassured in himself, “you are really good.” I smiled, just a little bit. I didn’t want to seem to eager.

“Since I can’t sing, and neither can they,” he jerked his head to indicate Josh and Marty, the other two, “we want you to be our lead singer.” My heart leapt with joy. I fought to not grin as I nodded.

“Cool.” I said, flicking my dark red hair from my eyes. No more reaction. Nothing else. He took a step closer to me and my heart started to race. I had to squelch whatever feeling these were, and fast.

“Welcome.” Marty said. He smiled a genuine, sweet smile while Josh just stared, “I’m Marty.” He continued.

“I know.” I said, “We all go to the same high school. We all have the same classes. I just don’t talk in class as much as you.”

“Right. Melody Heart. Nate Perkins’ girlfriend.” Marty said slowly. I fought the urge roll my eyes. That again.

Tyler laughed and held a hand out towards me.

“Come on.” He said, “I’ll walk you out.” I took a step back.

“No, I’m good, but thanks.” I said, bending down to grab my purple hobo bag. I put my guitar in the case and smiled at him.

“Alright, bye, then.” Tyler said. His voice gave away no emotions. He adjusted the sleeves of his plaid shirt and smiled, “do you have a phone?” he asked. I looked back at my guitar case. Fiddling with the latches. I wasn’t allowed to have a phone, wasn’t allowed to be out after ten o’clock pm-on weekends. The only reason why I was allowed to see Nate was my parents thought that he’d be a good influence. Yeah, right.

“Uh, no.” I said slowly, “I prefer talking face to face. You could always facebook me. Or IM me.”

“Not allowed a phone?” Tyler asked wryly. I had to giggle. He could read me like a book, read through all my protections

“Well, no.” I said. I looked into his eyes again, almost the colour of marble. There was a flicker of something intense, like he was about to kiss me. My heart caught in my throat for two seconds.

Then the flicker went away, and Tyler turned back to his band mates, leaving me alone.

“Oh, Tyler?” I asked. He turned around to face me, “I was lying. I don’t have facebook.” With that, I exited the building, letting the California sun hit my bare arms.

Hiya. Well, nice plot, I don't like it when Nate kills himself though, it's just really sad. But since it's part of the story, make a back flash. We really don't know why he did it. More description would be nice, and like you said, the ending is horrible. You might want to spice up the story a bit. More emotion. More Description. Stuff like that. But, seriously, make a huge back flash so we could know what is going on. Maybe start at this point where the MC is doing something and something reminds her of Nate and that's where you say what happened. Then you go to the audition yada-yada-yada. Just give it more description and SLOW IT DOWN a notch. Your story is really fast paced.

I can see that you wrote it when you were tired, even some spelling and grammar is wrong. All you gotta do is re-read your story and everything will be perfect.

Keep Writing!
Nike

PM me when you edit or add more parts!

i really like how the story flows, i love how at the begging it's a quick story of the past a re-counter, it informs the reader what they have missed. This is good and it doesn't drone on at all, so it keeps the reader reading. the only thing i can find wrong with this story is that you haven't described most of the characters (what they look like) i know when some people describe the character they end up causing the story to be come boring, but do what you did with Melody and Tyler like he flicked his blonde hair out of his green eyes. just do that to decribe the other characters, like for Nate you could say what Meldoy missed about him for example how she missed his midnight black hair, they way if fell naturally to make him look perfect. something like that of course i don't know what Nate looks like so you have to change what you want him to look like of course.
Also i love how you start Melody and Tyler off with this base relationship and you know that it is going to grow into something more, so i plead with you to write more i would love to see how this will turn out.

Because you reviewed me, I'm reviewing you!
First off: I like how real it is that she doesn't have a facebook or cell phone


1





Nathan Perkins killed himself when I was sixteen. I was also his girlfriend, a fact that mattered to the press. For about six months, I was the thing they thrived on, long after the depression for his death had long past.
is there a reason you used these longs so close together?
Then, I stopped getting pitying cards, and the sympathetic looks in the street. The whispers- HER boyfriend killed himself! It’s HER-stopped dead in their tracks.

Ten months after, all the media attention stopped. I mean, I was glad for it, glad I could finally put down the nine-word note he had written me.

Melody-

I love you, but I love her as well.

I tore that note up and threw it in the trash. I was over Nate.



The fourth time
what about the other times? is this a nesasary line?
I talked to Tyler Shaw, I was singing. His band was holding auditions, I was a singer.
I just don't get this. It is basically repeating the same thing twice.
It was basically a match made in rock star heaven.

As I sang, strumming the acoustic guitar that Nate had given me, I stared right into Tyler Shaw’s sage green eyes, watched him flick his dark hair out of those eyes. I think I was falling in love. I pushed the thought from my mind. My last boyfriend

I finished the song, and Tyler stood up. He appraised me, giving me a slow once over. That was all for suspense. I couldn’t read what he was thinking, and he wanted it that way.

I regretted even going to the audition. I regretted even stepping foot into the small, cold room.
why? is this a thought

“Well, Melody.” Tyler spoke. His voice was full and reassured in himself, “you are really good.” I smiled, just a little bit. I didn’t want to seem to eager.

“Since I can’t sing, and neither can they,” he jerked his head to indicate Josh and Marty, the other two, “we want you to be our lead singer.” My heart leapt with joy. I fought to not grin as I nodded.

“Cool.” I said, flicking my dark red hair from my eyes. No more reaction. Nothing else. He took a step closer to me and my heart started to race. I had to squelch whatever feeling these were, and fast.

“Welcome.” Marty said. He smiled a genuine, sweet smile while Josh just stared, “I’m Marty.” He continued.
why did it suddenly switch from tyler to marty?

“I know.” I said, “We all go to the same high school. We all have the same classes. I just don’t talk in class as much as you.”

“Right. Melody Heart. Nate Perkins’ girlfriend.” Marty said slowly. I fought the urge roll my eyes. That again.

Tyler laughed and held a hand out towards me.

“Come on.” He said, “I’ll walk you out.” I took a step back.

“No, I’m good, but thanks.” I said, bending down to grab my purple hobo bag. I put my guitar in the case and smiled at him.

“Alright, bye, then.” Tyler said. His voice gave away no emotions. He adjusted the sleeves of his plaid shirt and smiled, “do you have a phone?” he asked. I looked back at my guitar case. Fiddling with the latches. I wasn’t allowed to have a phone, wasn’t allowed to be out after ten o’clock pm-on weekends. The only reason why I was allowed to see Nate was my parents thought that he’d be a good influence. Yeah, right.

“Uh, no.” I said slowly, “I prefer talking face to face. You could always facebook me. Or IM me.”

“Not allowed a phone?” Tyler asked wryly. I had to giggle. He could read me like a book, read through all my protections

“Well, no.” I said. I looked into his eyes again, almost the colour of marble. There was a flicker of something intense, like he was about to kiss me. My heart caught in my throat for two seconds.

Then the flicker went away, and Tyler turned back to his band mates, leaving me alone.

“Oh, Tyler?” I asked. He turned around to face me, “I was lying. I don’t have facebook.” With that, I exited the building, letting the California sun hit my bare arms.


this is confusing. It feels like a ROUGH draft that wasn't reviewed before posting. I don't know what to say. This seems chopy. But its a good storyline.
~Pointe

Nathan Perkins killed himself when I was sixteen. I was also his girlfriend, a fact that mattered to the press. For about six months, I was the thing they thrived on, long after the depression for his death had long past.

Great opening! Hard hitting but well presented.

Melody-

I love you, but I love her as well.

I tore that note up and threw it in the trash. I was over Nate.

I like this, it makes the reader what to carry on. To find out who "her" is and the story behind Nate's suicide.

“Oh, Tyler?” I asked. He turned around to face me, “I was lying. I don’t have facebook.” With that, I exited the building, letting the California sun hit my bare arms.

Cheeky ending! Love it


OVERALL: I loved it! I'm intrigued into the story behind Nate's suicide and also in Tyler's character. I couldn't find anything wrong with it. Well done! Keep it all up.

-Rachel

It's good and has a good story line to it, although i wouldn't have written in like that. At the start i thougth you wrote it a bit childishly sorry i think you could have put more feeling into it. Why did she regret ever going to the adution, no offence but i didn't think you wrote it in this persons view. I don't think you should just say she was over him it seems like she had no feeling for him. Was she not seriously upset that he liked someone else.

She doesnt really tell us her feelings for this boy. Does he have feelings for her. Oh nearly forgot see when you are talking about the note, don't say (The nine word note he left me.) I think it was a bit random. Sorry. Just re read it, but love the story line and i think it has good potental.

Hey, I have many questions for you. First of all, you mentioned Melody was sixteen at the time of the suicide, which made it seem that the death occurred many years ago. I think you should introduce it differently. It has really not been that long, only six months, since the suicide.

Also, we know Melody's age, but how old is Nathan? Why is Melody's age mentioned and not Nathan's in that beginning line? Also, in the beginning part, you used the word "long" too often.

Another thing, I think you could have elaborated a lot more about Nathan and Melody's relationship in the beginning, and how Tyler came into the picture. What was Melody's past like? Hopefully this will be answered later on.

Another thing to mention is the relationship between Melody and Tyler. It seems like they both have simple crushes on each other. Melody is trying hard not to express her true emotions and yet their relationship is described as a"match made in rock star heaven." I thought that was a little too intense.

However, all in all, this was an exciting and well-written first part to the novel. It makes the reader want to keep reading to find out how things will turn out, and why exactly Nathan committed suicide. The idea of the so-called sympathizers finally turning on Melody is very realistic and shows the struggle she is going through. The picture you painted shows the bleak reality of this girl's situation, and is a fresh alternative to a cliche romantic story. Keep up the good work!

Hello there.

I'll start with the nitpicks. What can I say, I'm a nitpicker.

His voice was full and reassured in himself, “you are really good.”

His voice reassured in himself? I don't quite get that... It might be just me too.

I didn’t want to seem too eager.

I looked back at my guitar case comma fiddling with the latches.

I think it should be a comma there, not a period.

I like the ending. It's funny, and sets the mood, even though the chapter is done. It's always good to have a little humor in a novel. I think this is a great start, and I'm looking forward to reading more. You left a lot of questions unanswered, and this is what is going to keep the readers on. Great job!

-Other One

Okay. I really liked this.

I enjoyed reading this chapter, as it has a good plot.

A few nitpicks though...

This chapter was a little short for my liking, so you might want to consider adding something into it so that it is a bit longer.

I do think that the fact that you start the story with the guy having killed himself, but it went throguh the time period a little fast.

Other then that, it was a good story, and I am going to continue reading it!

CassidyRose