Doing Well (Contest Entry)

This is a contest entry for Trident's Three-Pronged Contest. All thoughts appreciated! I hope you enjoy.
*****
This one is anxious. That one is sad. That one—that one has meat. It smells delicious. But that one is gone past. And this Person with the covered paws that click-clack on ground walks far around me and Master, making sounds of Anger.

That one did not like me. That one made Master uneasy.

I do not like that one either.

Master reassures me. I forgive.

I stop Master at end of go-way. We wait with others also stopped. One smells of cat. One smells very much of—the way is safe for Master. I tell Master so. We cross to next go-way. Here smells of meat. A Person has meat on a People-Object. I want meat.

I pull toward Person.

Master tugs me. Master makes “No” sound.

I have failed Master.

I walk on. I shall do better for Master. I smell but I forget.

Master turns toward Inside. A Person opens Door for Master. I lead Master Inside. Inside smells of meat and cheese.

But I must forget. I must forget. I must forget.

I lead Master forward. Master makes requests from Person behind a wall too tall to jump without running. Person looks at me and smiles. I like Person.

Person moves down the wall too tall to jump without running. I can see through the wall top. I look at Person through this top. Person looks at Master. Person makes inquiry. Master looks at me. Master leads me to a round food surface.

Master tells me to sit and lay down. I obey Master. The floor is cold.

I watch Master move along the wall too tall to jump without running. Meat is behind this wall. Meat and cheese. But I must forget. I watch Master. Master laughs with Person Behind Wall.

Master likes Person. Master wants Person as Mate.

Master and Person move to end of the wall. Person pokes a People-Toy. People-Toy makes sound. I do not like this sound. I tell Master so.

Master tells me to be quiet.

I have failed Master. I have failed again. I must do better for Master.

Person sticks hand toward Master. I grow wary. Person turns hand over. People-Toys drop to the wall and the floor. They make sounds I do not like. But this time I forget.

One People-Toy rolls toward me. It is small and reflects light and I do not like it. It comes right toward my eyes but I do not move. Master told me to stay. I must be better for Master.

Person laughs. Person comes from behind the wall. Person picks up shiny, scary People-Toys. Person hands them to Master. Master takes them. Master still wants Person as Mate.

Person hands Master a package that smells of meat. Not chicken, not beef—something better. Like what Master gave me once that made me happy. I remember that smell. I want this meat but Master said stay.

I put my chin on my paw and watch Master. Master comes and sits on People-Object. Master opens the package. Meat-smell grows stronger. I must be good for Master.

Bell rings. I move only my eyes toward Outside. People-Pup runs inside. I want to play with People-Pup. People-Pup runs toward me. Pup smiles and laughs. I stay still.

New Person follows Pup Inside. Person makes “No” sound.

Pup is sad. I am sad.

Pup begins to scream. Pup steps on my paw. This hurts my paw very much. I move only my paw and make no sound.

Person picks up Pup. Person makes Master an apology. Master forgives. Person and People-Pup leave.

Master calls my name. I look up at Master.

Master scratches my head. Master tells me I have done well.

I have done well. I have pleased Master.

Master goes back to eating. I put my head back down.

Meat drops to the floor.

I do not move. I do not want it. I have already done well.

Hello!
I love the idea - very original, and very well written.
You repeated a lot of things in this piece, some worked and others less:
The repetition of the smell of chicken and meat at the beginning seemed like a bit too much, so I would suggest swapping at least one with the smell of something else.
The simple play of emotions was very nicely done. Sometimes you stated, I was sad, yet at other times you used emotional words, or sentences that suggested emotion (such how the dog was so dissapointed in himself whenever the master told him "no", you didn't state it, but the sense came across from his thoughts).
I felt that you repeated the word People-Pup too much. You might want to reconsider this. However, I love how you repeated, I must forget. It had a very strong impact thanks to that. Also, the way you kept repeating, I have failed master (such emotional words), was good, because you wrapped it all up in the ending, tying it nicely.
I really like this piece! It takes a bit of getting used to, but your ideas were very creative (People-Toy, People-Object), and it was a very interesting read. Thank you!
If you write something like this again, please Pm me!
Ofir

This is a very interesting idea! It's pretty ambitious, tackling a point of view like this and you manage it pretty well. I like the simplicity of the language and the short thoughts; I also like the names the speaker (animal, I'm assuming) designates to objects a human speaker might recognize. This is a pretty nifty exercise of writing in a rare point of view, and it is pulled off pretty well.

However, the simplicity of it, while nicely subtle in parts, can wear thin in places. This piece gives us an accurate view of an animal, but not a particularly compelling one at the moment. The animal wants to please his Master--why? Regardless of what the character is, development is still key. That development will probably be very different, as you're dealing with an animal. But setting, sensation, motivation and reaction are still important, and they are lacking a bit here. What is the relationship between the master and the animal? Why does the animal want to please the master so much, when meat obviously isn't such a powerful motivation? This is where past experiences could come into play. Right now this is a nifty exercise, but it has the potential to be a very interesting story if, in editing, you develop the master more roundly (through the eyes of the animal--how nifty would that be?) and start thinking about the setting, sensations and motivations the animal is experiencing.

Tis a pretty cool piece. Hope this helps! Keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Not what I expected at all. Not once on this site have I read something form a dogs perspective. Interesting!
xD

Again I did not find any errors or grammatical mistakes so I cannot complain. However even though your are telling this as a dog, its important you don't drop description. Yes, dogs don't take but they do see. So describe what they see. We heard lots about what he smelt so don't forget about the other senses!

The dog seems to be quite a cocky yet obedient creature. Again we don't no much of appearance. We don't even know the breed.I would try and interpret that into the dogs thoughts somehow.

Your tone was quite blunt throughout and I know that's somehow what you wanted. There were lots of short choppy sentences some of which didn't fit. The peice didn't flow but as I said I think that's what you wanted?

The plot was funny. You never thing twice about whether or not your dog cares about pleasing you. The meat was a good idea because it actually shows a chase with through the story. Its like bait, someones waggling it infront of the dogs nose but he refuses when he thinks he is displeasing his master.

Overall it was original and quirky. An enjoyable read but you know more fun then brilliant.
You obviously enjoyed writing this,
Kaka xoxox
x3

Ahoy, Rachael!

I'm sorry that I got to this too late for the contest... but I thought I'd review it anyway. ^.^

I really liked this! I loved the perspective. I actually had a contest on here lifetimes ago for pieces written from the POV of inanimate objects or nonhuman animals, so I have a bit of a soft spot for such narratives... anyway, that doesn't have much to do with the review. ^.^ I really liked the dog's voice. It was very believable, and it was honest and simple without sounding stupid. That's quite a feat, in my opinion, writing something that sounds simple and childish and also making it sound intelligent. I loved the multi-sensory descriptions and I think the amount of visual was just fine--I had a good enough picture in my head to have some idea of the surroundings but still have room for imagination, so well done with that! The tone may have gotten tiresome if the piece had been longer, but it worked perfectly for this flash-fiction.

My main issue with this is that had I not already been familiar with the contest, I don't think I would have known that the narrator is a seeing-eye dog and that the Master is the trainer. Because I already knew "seeing-eye dog trainer" was one of the required elements, I figured it out right away, but I don't think I would have otherwise. And I think some of your other reviewers (especially Writersdomain) were confused on that front. I think the main reason for this confusion is that it's not exactly clear that Master is a trainer, not an owner. I wonder if you might clarify this by mentioning the other dogs that Master trains, or something like that? I think it will be hard to clarify, but well worth the effort. I also couldn't tell what the other two required elements were (beside the dog trainer). I can guess that "making a bologna sandwich," but only because I know about the contest, and I don't know what the object is... is it a silver penny? Maybe this doesn't matter, especially because my review is so late, but I thought I'd point it out.

I guess all in all it felt like you were trying to squeeze the required elements into a story that didn't need them and though they don't feel out of place, they are a little hard to find. That might give you a disadvantage for the contest, which is really unfortunate because on all other accounts I think this is a charming, witty and yet childishly profound story.

Good luck!
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