Peacocks

I'm not very good at this type of poem, but I thought I would give it a shot. Please give me feedback.

P- Posture in their neck is good.
E- Early riser.
A- Are guard peacocks in India.
C- Can be noisey.
O- Occasionally nosey.
C- Can be very fast runners.
K- Keen on bread, fruit and some meat to eat.

For the first c - Can*
otherwise, LOL this is cute! xD Didn't you come into chat and say you liked peacocks and the end kept being censored?

Hehe, wow, very cute indeed! So far this is the second poem like this that I've read on YWS and I'm glad to see that the second one is so cute and happy! The other was a bit more blunt and, although it was very well written, kind of disheartening over the holiday season. This poem neither needs nor wants rhythm or fluidity and it seems to be written just for the sake of fun!

RazHuni wrote: Didn't you come into chat and say you liked peacocks and the end kept being censored?

Yep, that was me!

Dear cupcake,

Peacocks is a very cute poem! And I have the faintest idea that, you already love peacocks. Anyways, There is just one teensy mistake you made.

C- Can be noisy

and

C- Can be very fast runners

Both of them start with C, and they both have the same starting word. See what I mean? But other than that, your poem is just great!

Keep reading and reviewing!

vstarfirix

Hello there, cupcake! I hope your day is going well.

I must warn you, poetry was never my forte. This kind of poetry was always the hardest for me - you see, I struggled trying to make the words sound beautiful and show a picture while having to start with a certain letter, etcetera. It seems you have struggled a bit with this too in this poem. I felt like I was reading more of an 'information dump,' rather than a poem. I know you want to tell us about peacocks (which is wonderful, as they are such lovely birds), however, why not show us? Though you are using a format (you have to start with a p, then an e, etc.) you can still show not tell.

For example, instead of saying: "Posture in their neck is good," you could have shown a similar statement by saying, "Poking their elegant, blue-green heads into the air haughtily, a glint in their eyes." There are ways to give us some information without making it seem like it's an information brochure on peacocks! Hide the information in beautiful adjectives and wonderful pictures of the mind.

cupcake wrote:C- Can be very fast runners.

cupcake wrote:C- Can be noisey

I believe someone pointed out how you started each 'c' letter which 'can' which is a bit repetitive. In addition to that, you also spelled 'noisy' wrong.

cupcake wrote:O- Occasionally nosey.

This statement follows right after the 'can be noisy' line, and it bothered me that 'noisy' and 'nosey' were so closely the same spelling wise! Just a tiny nitpick, however.

Overall, I do not think this poem is as good as it possibly could be. I suggest taking the above recommendations into account and re-writing this poem so it's less of an information dump and more of a beautiful, unique poem. However, this was a good start! At least now you know the information you want to include in the poem - all you have to do is to think of ways to 'show, not tell.' I hope this helps!

xx Mizz

thanks for your reviews guys!

Mizzle wrote: all you have to do is to think of ways to 'show, not tell.'

I originally wrote this for a science badge on ornithology (the study of birds) so it was ment to be imformative.