Stormbringer - 1

Something I started on Christmas based on a dream of mine. Not sure where it's going, but I'm just tagging along for the ride right now. Any thoughts or comments are much appreciated. Thanks! (:

*Rated 12 for mild violence

Stormbringer
Part one: Cora

Cora was a conundrum. She was the type of girl who would calmly order a lineup of torturing and executions during her afternoon tea, but would scream at a pitch to make eardrums burst at the slightest glimpse of a spider sitting innocently on its web. She got horribly queasy at the sight of blood, and always made sure she had a book to surreptitiously read during the monthly gladiator tournaments. However, despite these idiosyncrasies, no one could deny that she was not someone to cross.
Especially at two o’clock in the morning.
The guard hesitated, took a breath, muttered encouragingly empty words to himself, and rapped lightly on the door.
No reply.
He knocked a little harder.
Silence screamed back at him.
One more time, then it’ll be Rob’s turn, he told himself, and knocked again.
Only this time, he knocked on air. The door had been flung open, and before he could regain his stiff posture, he was staring into the irate face of Mistress Cora.
“What.” Somehow, she was able to hiss the word so that it hurt his ears more than if she had yelled it.
“Er, there’s something funny gone on in the Tower. Thought you should know.”
“Which Tower? There’s more than one here, man!”
He forced his gummy mouth to open fully so he could reply. “Th-the South-Southwest one, Mistress.”
Cora frowned. It was the type of frown that made a flower shrivel, or the sun duck behind a cloud, or a very nervous guard feel on the verge of fainting.
“South-Southwest, eh?” Her face suddenly cleared. “Most interesting. Most excellent. I shall be out in a minute.”
The guard blinked in relief as she slammed her door in his face. Well. Not bad after all, then. His heart slowed its beat to one notch slower than Sheer Terror and he turned to leave.
Creak, said the door, and Cora’s voice followed him. “Oh, and because you interrupted me at such an ungodly hour…”
A horrible presentiment had just begun to grow in the guard’s brain, but before it could fully develop, there was a whoosh, a thud, a very surprised “Urgle!” and then a thud as the lifeless body fell.
Cora kept an eye on the corpse, to make sure it was truly dead and not contemplating the idea of coming back to life. It stayed motionless, though, and as a small trickle of blood started to run from the back of his head where the dart had hit, Cora felt the usual fluttery feeling in her stomach.
“I think I need some tea,” she mused aloud. “Peppermint would do nicely.” She closed the door, and the rats who were hiding in the dark corners of the hallway converged on the carcass.

Hi RangerHawk! I'm eating a stuffed bell pepper and reviewing this for you today! How cool is that?! (Not important, Rach. Not important at all.)

Because this is a new idea, I'm going to review things differently than I would normally. (My only big note of critique on a technical side anyway was that the POV switch from the guard to Cora at the end was weird, but that's not really important at this stage of the game. Just like my bell pepper, even delicious as it is.)

So, Cora. The girl has issues. Issues that could potentially make very entertaining reading if you handle it well. My brain wants me to mention the Red Queen from Alice in Wonderland, who is so much fun to read about.

But, this Cora could also become very wearing on a reader. There's only so many times she can kill a guard or this person or that person before we start rolling out eyes--depending, again, on how you handle it.

Right now, your tone is fairly light and humorous. This could work in your favor if this is supposed to be sort of funny--like Alice's Adventures in Wonderland. But, if this is supposed to be more serious... well, I know I'm not going to enjoy having characters I'm beginning to sympathize killed off in such a light way.

It is, of course, more than a little early to speculate on whether or not your tone and the story are going to make the reader happy or make the reader annoyed. All the more reason to write more to find out!

But I have to say that when I first read the opening paragraph there, I got more than a little excited. Because I think you could keep going as is and produce an enjoyable, fun story. But I also think you could develop Cora into an absolutely fabulously deep character. As a result, your story would take on a whole lot of layers, become deeper and darker. You'd need a set of deep, layered characters to match, you'd end up with a plot truly defined by the characters...

And it would, in short, just be totally awesome. And could still be enormously entertaining.

But you'd have to be willing to invest a ton of heavy, deep thinking. And you'd definitely need to be willing to get your hands dirty. It would begin with developing Cora, unraveling the conundrum of the surface and getting down to what it is that drives her. Why does she like the tea? Why is she okay with ordering torture but not with spiders? Why does she hate being interrupted? Why does she kill people who go against her?

No cheating, "It's just how she is" answers allowed. And, you have to become five again and incessantly ask, "Why?" until you think your brain is going to explode.

And then you have to represent all you learn on the page through showing, not telling, and all the points of views would need to be suitably biased and everything would be a right complicated mess of deliciousness.

It'd be difficult, but I think it'd be worth it. And so, if you're up for it, I say go for it!

But there's nothing wrong at all with sticking with the direction you're going in and chugging onward. I'd definitely keep reading as is, as far as I'm concerned.

Just some thoughts for ya. Let me know if you have any questions, comments, concerns!

Rach

Hey, there Daughter!

I'm going to review this for you today. This review is going to be a little short but hopefully you'll pick up at least one or two cents worth of advice that could possibly make this somewhat better or whatnot. So, staring with your introduction I think you were on a scale of 7 out of ten. The missing three points would be the fact that you went ahead and 'told' us what your character is like instead of showing us. You didn't give too much out but gave us a little humor along with some background that we could mold a character out of. So it's good but I think it could have been better.

Now, as far as your story goes, I find your humor quite lovely. Your wording is great along with your superb description. I like reading your works, you seem to go about things a little differently and that's what makes it fun to read. This humor is definitely pulling my curiosity strings along with my interest. Good job and if you keep it up, it'll be sure to get you far. I always tend to like narration in this kind of voice, makes it more fun.

One tiny little nitpick that I found was probably at the end. There was a repetition of 'thud' in one sentence. Might want to change that out. Yes, I know...punch me in the face for being so nitpicky but in my defense, it's hard to resist picking out those little grapes.

Overall, you did quite well and I would most likely enjoy reading this if you dare to post more chapters of this. I dare you to post more. See, now you have to. Oh wait, as your father, I command you to post more chapters. <--That works, no? Just kidding, if you decided to continue, shoot me a message.

^.^)b
-Pink

Hey Ranger, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

However, despite these idiosyncrasies, no one could deny that she was not someone to cross.

The double negative here is just a little confusing.

“Er, there’s something funny gone on in the Tower. Thought you should know.”
“Which Tower? There’s more than one here, man!”
He forced his gummy mouth to open fully so he could reply. “Th-the South-Southwest one, Mistress.”

This bugged me. Surely he would say what tower?

II. OVERALL

I don't have a whole lot to say, m'dear. I enjoyed your delicious tone. I think your setting could be more developed, I had no idea where I was, when I was, what armour the guard was wearing, what the corridor looked like. I think it's important to start developing that soon. Also, right now, as fascinating and original as Cora is, she seems a little one-sided. I guess that's not important right now as you're just starting out, but it'll be something to look out for later. But my last words: develop, develop, develop!

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella x

Hey, Hawk!
I thought I'd repay you for your lovely comments on my work with a few on yours - luckily for you, this piece is freaking awesome!

Good things first; like Rachael said, this is very reminiscent of Alice in Wonderland... and, of course, this is an excellent thing. I am a huge fan of crazy, funny fantasy - and I know a lot of other people are, too. There is nothing quite as fun as epic quests, murder, and magic... especially when set in a bizzarre world with crazy characters. When writing for young adults rather than children, however, it's important to include an element of real danger and violence - in short, keep it funny, and keep it morbid. You've definately managed to capture that dark zaniness here - and based on your plot summary, it'll only get better.

Okay, now, on to the bad; I have no glaring critiques - rather, I come with a warning. You are coming dangerously close to sounding like you're trying too hard. The sort of balance you seem to be going for (the balance between black humour/craziness and a straight-up fantasy) is difficult to do if you don't create the right atmosphere. EVERYTHING has to fit together and work seamlessly. DO NOT I repeat DO NOT force it.
The thing that makes stories like this work is the way they FLOW. The second you slip up (make a simile or metaphor that we don't get, tell a joke that fails, do anything that interrupts the flow of the prose) we lose interest. It takes us out of the world you've created and makes us do a lot of unfortunate double-takes. You haven't done this yet, but I'm warning you now - DON'T TRY TOO HARD. If it takes you too long to figure out how to make the prose work, cut it. The moment you sound like you're forcing it, you lose half your audience.

Some more notes; Cora is intriguing and very, very awesome (so far), but I agree with Rachael as far as her development goes. From this point, she could either become incredibly developed, or incredibly annoying. Watch yourself!

Overall, all I can say is, KEEP THE BALANCE, MAKE IT FLOW, and KEEP WRITING! This is really great and I am dying to read more already!

Hello! I can see i don't really need to edit this because it seems like everyone else has done it for me Anyway, I would like to hit 400 points, and i liked this, so i might as well say something about it. So: I like it. I really like it. I read the summary, and i had no idea what i expect from the story itself, but i really liked it. Cora is strange, and seems kind of crazy, and none of her traits seem to go together, and i love that. So: keep writing!!! Please message me if you post another chapter of this!

Thank you everyone for your replies!

I'm glad the Red Queen/Alice in Wonderland came to mind -- that's exactly what I'm going for. I'm having a lot of fun writing from Cora's view, but I'm definitely feeling like it's a close-call thing, making her somewhat believable, not too annoying, and not too over the top. But hey, challenges are fun. Anyway, I'll be sure to let you guys know if when I post more (yes Daddy, I'll obey!).

Thanks again!

Hi Ranger

This is an interesting one to review. I feel tempted to comment on the style, but will keep that section brief to allow me to focus on critiquing the story.

I think your style is fun, if somewhat overdone at times. Your flair for hyperbole is clearly evident. I would just watch the descriptions and ensure that they match up with reality. Hissing that hurts? I doubt it's just me who finds that difficult to imagine.

Let's move over to the story. Let's first begin by working out what you're writing primarily: humor or story? Are you willing to compromise one for the benefit of the other?

The idea behind this is that your narration does not at all absorb the reader into the story itself. If you want it to do so, you're going to have to try to keep the prose more invisible. That means showing rather than telling. Perhaps even beginning the scene at: “The guard hesitated...”. If you focus on the story itself, to get your humor, you'll need to paint funny scenarios that don't require a quirky narrator to flaunt.

If you decide that the humor in the narration is going to drive the story, you need to do a little gardening, and ensure you have a high standard to hold your narration to. Every metaphor needs to add a different dimension of humor, and more importantly, you should voice your narrator more strongly. He needs to have opinions and biases. In other words, your narrator will become your main character.

The next aspects are crucial which ever way you choose to paint your story. You have no excuse to keep your tension levels at anything less than optimum. Neither do you have an excuse to expose the scenarios in a way that doesn't maximize mystery.

The key to good tension levels is two-fold: We need to worry about your characters. And we need to worry a lot. This means that you should go to some extent to make us care about your characters. A main character needs to have at least an aspect of humanity. The reason we want him to succeed at his goal. The stake, then, must be high as well. The higher the stake, the greater the tension levels and hence, the greater the accomplishment.

We know something is going on at the tower. We don't know what. Why should we care? If you want us to feel at least some element of suspense, you need to ensure that we do care and are curious.

Which brings me to exposition. Perhaps, you should begin with a scene at the tower, and then shift the focus here. You want to maximize reader curiosity. You have to work out how to make us want to know what happens next. That means introducing a scene with high tension levels, and then leaving us on edge. Rip us away to another story. When the tension levels are high, throw us back. Every story must be interesting and exciting at the same time, though.

I'd like to see a little more story here. Just because you are funny, doesn't give you a right to dance around your responsibility of telling a story.

That's the basics, Ranger. You are good, but if you want us to get through a whole novel of similar jokes, you can't be entirely dependent on them. The freshness of your character will get old, and the narration style will get ugly. Good news is, it hasn't gotten ugly yet.

Keep well!
Yoda

Everybody wants to start off good and have their writing stay good Storm bringer started off good. Cora the humorous killing character that you started the story was clearly a good move. I'd love to see this story continue and I'm certain you should continue writing this story its so far excellent

Hey Ranger! I finally got to reviewing your work, and I'm glad I did.

The atmosphere you developed was a bit informal, a bit scary, a bit mysterious. But the humor overrides much of these secondary emotions. I'm not sure if this was what you were aiming for, but that is certainly what I felt. I tend to notice that when I establish a writing style that is humorous, I tend to run out of jokes halfway through my story, and then at that point it is a bit too late to fix. So be careful, by all means.

Now, I'm sure you've heard this many times, but this is short. Chapters are break points for the reader, and you want to get as much across as possible before letting them pause the story. During these pauses, readers lose all or nearly all of the feeling you are trying to get across, and this can be a precarious situation for a writer. I would consider expanding this.

Perhaps one way to do this is adding description. This may be part of the informality of the writing, but you tend to leave out any real description of a character's appearance. Metaphors, adjectives, adverbs...scavenge from your mental dictionary. I need to be able to picture what is going on.

My final critique would be the dialog. In the era that is suggestive of gladiator battles and towers, I can be very certain that no one ever used the term "man" as you are using it in this quote:

“Which Tower? There’s more than one here, man!”

The dialog, especially later in the conversation, seems a little cinematic to me. I would try to rework some of it.

Well, that's it for my review. I'll get on to Stormbringer 2 as soon as possible!

Hi there RangerHawk ). I was randomly browsing through members' pages (yes I know, shame on me for procrastinating when I should be studying), when I came across your page and decided to read some of your works . So, Palip to review for you . First off (just to warn you), I'm not a fan of Alice in Wonderland. Sorry. So, what I say will be in no way connected to the Red Queen or whoever she is. I apologize if my review isn't as thorough and helpful as the others', but please bear with me as I'm just starting out as a reviewer xP.

So, on a positive note, your story leaves the reader wanting more. Kudos for that. Cora is...well, a mildly, ok VERY, disturbing character. However, I find that to be intriguing. After all, if your characters are normal, day-to-day characters, they wouldn't be much fun, would they? Her fury at being interrupted, her passiveness at killing the guard and her passion for..tea?? Odd, but if developed would transpire into a very original and unique character.

On the other hand, as others have already pointed out, I suggest you thread carefully around developing Cora (I'm assuming she is the protagonist of the story). I THINK I would be very pissed off if Cora just turns out to be this mean, snobbish, cruel persona with no feelings whatsoever. For NO reason.

Furthermore, your first chapter lacks the necessary details which immediately enable the reader to picture the setting, characters and so on. We have no idea what Cora looks like, what the guard's face is like when he faces her. For example, you could reflect Cora's character through her physical description. I always find it very helpful if I keep these in mind: Sight, hearing, smell (or scent), taste and touch. So don't just describe the characters on a physical level, link all the senses together so we can almost feel as if the person is standing right in front of us.

P.S. I haven't read the second chapter yet, so I apologize if I will find these descriptions later on. Overall, I am of the opinion that this story has some wicked (yes, wicked) potential. However, more elements have to be included. Associate your novel with a genre, I think that would help you a lot. That's all for now. Thanks for your story, Palip .

I really like this review. Good job, Ranger Hawk. This has the potential to be a good book, but this part sort of threw me off:

Which Tower? There’s more than one here, man!

Other than that it is really good, I think I am going to read more later.