Tattoo Your Name Across My Heart

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This may be kind of difficult to read because this is an expert of a post, from an RP that I was once having. It isn't my best work, but it's something. Noelle is my main character in most stories I write, but you'll learn more about her as time progresses. Enjoy and comment, thank you.



The hustle and bustle of the New York streets brought Noelle home immediately. She missed it here, away from the magic, the evil people, and the surprising attacks. The busy crowded streets of Manhattan comforted Noelle, it put her at peace. But what Noelle missed most was Evan. She may have been home now, and she may have an entire city at her command but she was in love, and being away from him made her comfort feel like agony. She would deal with the surprising attacks and evil people if she were near Evan. But, she was't and as much as she wanted to relax and enjoy the time she has at home she couldn't because ever moment she was wondering what Evan was doing, if he missed her, or if he was upset that she left without even saying goodbye to him. Part of her was happy to be away from boarding school, but that amount was nothing compared to how much she wanted to see him. There were no phone calls dialed, or any text messages sent. They were like complete strangers suddenly.

Every morning as Noelle woke in her empty penthouse with just the house servants she would smell the scent of fresh coffee in the air and the warmth of the sun beaming down on her through the eyelet white curtains that were slightly spread open. She would look towards the window and through her sleepy eyes she would see Evan there smiling at her on the foot her bed and as she suddenly awakened from the sheer joy she would see that it was all just a mirage, it was just her imagination and her dreams were just being revealed though still false. She’d sit up in her bed wiping her eyes hoping that somehow he’d come back, that somehow what she was seeing was real and he was just playing a silly joke on her. And every morning after going through the same routine of thinking she saw him she would leave her room and enter the dining room for breakfast, and as she was turning the corner down the hall she would hope to see him at the dining table with the news paper in one hand and a tall glass of OJ in another. But again, her fantasies never came true. Every day she had hope that he would be there; that she would see him, hear him, or feel him and every day she was left high and dry. Going back to bed discontent and missing him more miserably than before.

Today was no different than the rest. She would wake up thinking that he was here and spring from her bed and into his arms, only to see that there were no arms there to enter. As usual she shook it off, washed her face, brushed her hair, and got dressed for the day. She walked into the dining room and as she turned the corner she still hoped to see him there but was yet again faced with another empty table with the house servant in the kitchen placing dishes in the dishwasher. After breakfast she did hours worth of online shopping, then out to 5th Avenue to do real shopping. She shopped her heart away, doing anything to keep her mind off of him. She missed him dreadfully and hated that she put herself in a situation where she may never be able to see him again. The school didn’t want her anymore; there was no way that she could possibly get back in, and she would never want him to leave his education just to be with her. She just needed him.

Noelle felt dead. She couldn’t breathe without him next to her. It was like he was oxygen. Her lungs were deprived of the fresh breath that he gave her every time that they were together. He began to come to her like a dream, she would see him and for that quick moment that he appeared she felt that she was able to exhale again, that her comfortable inhale could be swallowed. She could never just relax. She had no idea about how much she was really in love until he was gone, until she was waking up not in his arms. She missed the way he would hold her, the way she would run her perfectly manicured nails through his thick curly brown hair. She missed the way he looked at her; he made her feel like she was the only girl in the world. Like there was nowhere else he’d rather be and no one else he would rather be with. They were perfect together but she didn’t deserve him; not at all. The person she was didn’t deserve anyone. Probably Jean though. He seemed like the only person that dealt with her properly. He gave her only as much as she gave him. Jean wasn’t afraid to hurt her just like she was not afraid to hurt him. But, with Evan it was different. There romance wasn’t a game, it was real. She didn’t want to hurt him though hurting him was what she did. Noelle needed things to be as perfect as possible that everything had to be under her control. She could never just let go and let their love take the wheel. Probably, that was why they were in the situation they’re in now.

“Hello?” Noelle stirred in her bed, tangled in her white satin sheets. Her eyes fluttered open, seeing another bare figure in between eye blinks. The unknown figure rolled around, pulling the sheets off of Noelle, now exposing her upper body. Noelle reached frantically for the sheets and covered herself. “Hello? Who the hell are you?” she shouted as she pushed the sleeping figure in the back. He woke up, yawning and stretching slightly as he leaned into Noelle to what seemed like a morning kiss.

“Hey legs, you miss me?” He smiled cockily as he attempted to drape his arm around her. Noelle swiftly avoided his come-ons. Her face was sprinkled with confusion as she tried to remember this person that was in her bed. His face was familiar, slightly, but she couldn’t think of his name, and she couldn’t think of where she even met him. Noelle didn’t even know why this person was even in her home. The guy had bloodshot pale green eyes, and platinum blonde hair that was in some sort of faux hawk. He had a tattoo of a sun on the back of his neck, his breathe smelt like cigarettes, and his hair smelled like beer. Why was he even near her? Noelle was mortified. She had just had a dream that she went to sleep with Evan, and then she woke up with this Prince Not-so-Charming.

“Who are you?” She rolled out of bed hastily, pulling the sheet completely off the bed and around her, now exposing his half naked body. He was just in a pair of ill fitting boxers. He sat up more comfortably against the headboard of Noelle’s bed. Noelle felt sick, her stomach was on fire and her head was pounding. Was this a hangover? Did she sleep with this disgusting boy? She couldn’t answer any of those questions, she couldn’t remember anything. The last thing she remembered was the dream she was having just before she woke up.

Ryan was his name, typical, and as much as he knew, he thought Noelle’s name was Stefani. According the story he told her they met last night a bar in upstate New York. What Noelle was doing in upstate New York? She had no idea. She honestly couldn’t remember much of anything. Every time he mentioned something she would get a brief flashback but those visions wouldn’t help too much. She was still quite upset and disgusted with herself for having a man of his low stature in her bed.

“…and that’s when I met you Stefani. We came back to your place and then-“

“Okay, get out now!” Noelle shouted as she picked up his clothing and tossed it at him, cutting him off midsentence. “Bye!” She watched him as he scurried to get his clothes on and run out of her room. He probably got lost somewhere in the penthouse, but eventually she heard him escape through the exit doors. She fell back into her bed bursting into a flurry of tears. What was she becoming? Some common slut that would get so wasted that she would pass out in bed with some random guy? Not even the guy she was in love with? She couldn’t handle it anymore. Evan wasn’t interested in her it seemed like. He never wrote her, or text her. They hadn’t had contact with each other in months, ever since she was kicked out of boarding school.

Noelle wasn’t going to sit and take this lightly anymore. She couldn’t always be the girl who needed saving. If she wanted Evan, she was going to have to fight for him and that exactly what she was going to do. And as we all know, Noelle always gets what she wants.
Last edited by deleted10 on Fri Dec 31, 2010 9:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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elite wrote:
This may be kind of difficult to read because this is an expert of a post, from an RP that I was once having. It isn't my best work, but it's something. Noelle is my main character in most stories I write, but you'll learn more about her as time progresses. Enjoy and comment, thank you.



The hustle and bustle of the New York streets brought Noelle home immediately. She missed it here, away from the magic, the evil people, and the surprising attacks. The busy crowded, busycrowded streets of Manhattan comforted Noelle, it put her at peace. But what Noelle missed most was Evan. She may have been home now, and she may have an entire city at her command but she was in love, and being away from him made her comfort feel like agony. She would deal with the surprising attacks and evil people if she were near Evan. But, she was't and as much as she wanted to relax and enjoy the time she has at home she couldn't because ever moment she was wondering what Evan was doing, if he missed her, or if he was upset that she left without even saying goodbye to him. Part of her was happy to be away from boarding school, but that amount was nothing compared to how much she wanted to see him. There were no phone calls dialed, or any text messages sent. They were like complete strangers suddenly.

Every morning as Noelle woke in her empty penthouse with just the house servants she would smell the scent of fresh coffee in the air and the warmth of the sun beaming down on her through the eyelet white curtains that were slightly spread open. She would look towards the window and through her sleepy eyes she would see Evan there smiling at her on the foot her bed and as she suddenly awakened from the sheer joy she would see that it was all just a mirage, it was just her imagination and her dreams were just being revealed though still false. She’d sit up in her bed wiping her eyes hoping that somehow he’d come back, that somehow what she was seeing was real and he was just playing a silly joke on her. And every morning after going through the same routine of thinking she saw him she would leave her room and enter the dining room for breakfast, and as she was turning the corner down the hall she would hope to see him at the dining table with the news paper in one hand and a tall glass of OJsay orange juice people may not know what OJ is in another. But again, her fantasies never came true. Every day she had hope that he would be there; that she would see him, hear him, or feel him and every day she was left high and dry. Going back to bed discontent and missing him more miserably than before.

Today was no different than the rest. She would wake up thinking that he was here and spring from her bed and into his arms, only to see that there were no arms there to enter. As usual she shook it off, washed her face, brushed her hair, and got dressed for the day. She walked into the dining room and as she turned the corner she still hoped to see him there but was yet again faced with another empty table with the house servant in the kitchen placing dishes in the dishwasher. After breakfast she did hours worth of online shopping, then out to 5th Avenue to do real shopping. She shopped her heart away, doing anything to keep her mind off of him. She missed him dreadfully and hated that she put herself in a situation where she may never be able to see him again. The school didn’t want her anymore; there was no way that she could possibly get back in, and she would never want him to leave his education just to be with her. She just needed him.

Noelle felt dead. She couldn’t breathe without him next to her. It was like he was oxygen. Her lungs were deprived of the fresh breath that he gave her every time that they were together. He began to come to her like a dream, she would see him and for that quick moment that he appeared she felt that she was able to exhale again, that her comfortable inhale could be swallowed. She could never just relax. She had no idea about how much she was really in love until he was gone, until she was waking up not in his arms. She missed the way he would hold her, the way she would run her perfectly manicured nails through his thick curly brown hair. She missed the way he looked at her; he made her feel like she was the only girl in the world. Like there was nowhere else he’d rather be and no one else he would rather be with. They were perfect together but she didn’t deserve him; not at all. The person she was didn’t deserve anyone. Probably Jean though. He seemed like the only person that dealt with her properly. He gave her only as much as she gave him. Jean wasn’t afraid to hurt her just like she was not afraid to hurt him. But, with Evan it was different. There romance wasn’t a game, it was real. She didn’t want to hurt him though hurting him was what she did. Noelle needed things to be as perfect as possible that everything had to be under her control. She could never just let go and let their love take the wheel. Probably, that was why they were in the situation they’re in now.

“Hello?” Noelle stirred in her bed, tangled in her white satin sheets. Her eyes fluttered open, seeing another bare figure in between eye blinks. The unknown figure rolled around, pulling the sheets off of Noelle, now exposing her upper body. Noelle reached frantically for the sheets and covered herself. “Hello? Who the hell are you?” she shouted as she pushed the sleeping figure in the back. He woke up, yawning and stretching slightly as he leaned into Noelle to what seemed like a morning kiss.

“Hey legs, you miss me?” He smiled cockily as he attempted to drape his arm around her. Noelle swiftly avoided his come-ons. Her face was sprinkled with confusion as she tried to remember this person that was in her bed. His face was familiar, slightly, but she couldn’t think of his name, and she couldn’t think of where she even met him. Noelle didn’t even know why this person was even in her home. The guy had bloodshot pale green eyes, and platinum blonde hair that was in some sort of faux hawk. He had a tattoo of a sun on the back of his neck, his breathe smelt like cigarettes, and his hair smelled like beer. Why was he even near her? Noelle was mortified. She had just had a dream that she went to sleep with Evan, and then she woke up with this Prince Not-so-Charming.

“Who are you?” She rolled out of bed hastily, pulling the sheet completely off the bed and around her, now exposing his half naked body. He was just in a pair of ill fitting boxers. He sat up more comfortably against the headboard of Noelle’s bed. Noelle felt sick, her stomach was on fire and her head was pounding. Was this a hangover? Did she sleep with this disgusting boy? She couldn’t answer any of those questions, she couldn’t remember anything. The last thing she remembered was the dream she was having just before she woke up.

Ryan was his name, typical, and as much as he knew, he thought Noelle’s name was Stefani. According the story he told her they met last night a bar in upstate New York. What Noelle was doing in upstate New York? She had no idea. She honestly couldn’t remember much of anything. Every time he mentioned something she would get a brief flashback but those visions wouldn’t help too much. She was still quite upset and disgusted with herself for having a man of his low stature in her bed.

“…and that’s when I met you Stefani. We came back to your place and then-“

“Okay, get out now!” Noelle shouted as she picked up his clothing and tossed it at him, cutting him off midsentence. “Bye!” She watched him as he scurried to get his clothes on and run out of her room. He probably got lost somewhere in the penthouse, but eventually she heard him escape through the exit doors. She fell back into her bed bursting into a flurry of tears. What was she becoming? Some common slut that would get so wasted that she would pass out in bed with some random guy? Not even the guy she was in love with? She couldn’t handle it anymore. Evan wasn’t interested in her it seemed like. He never wrote her, or text her. They hadn’t had contact with each other in months, ever since she was kicked out of boarding school.

Noelle wasn’t going to sit and take this lightly anymore. She couldn’t always be the girl who needed saving. If she wanted Evan, she was going to have to fight for him and that exactly what she was going to do. And as we all know, Noelle always gets what she wants.

This is ehh its good but I feel like it should be longer AND more dialogue, when there isn't enough I tend to get bored with the story very easily, but that may just be me, I do not know haha. Happy Holidays Love Jenn
when you grow up you realize that Prince Charming is not as easy to find as you thought. You realize the bad guy is not wearing a black cape and he's not easy to spot; he's really funny, and he makes you laugh, and he has perfect hair and isnt wearing a black cape and easy to spot Lots of Love Jenn




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Hey, Elite. Welcome to YWS!

So what you have here is pretty good. I like it. However there were a few cases in which you were quite 'telly' about the whole thing. You might want to try giving us more 'showy' actions. Don't tell us she's happy or scared, show us. In movements or actions because well, actions speak louder than words. Which is kind of ironic. But anyway, the thing is you should try to paint your character so your protagonist is more lively and real. It's easier to connect that way.

I also disliked how you mentioned they were perfect together. Perfection is a little over rated and in reality, perfect doesn't really exist but I believe that a girl would think they're perfect for each other but maybe you could go about it more realistically, you know?

Anyway, try to make this a bit longer and give us more details and personality because it's a bit rough right now. Try experimenting with a few things and definietly put in some more dialogue because dialogue can really bring out a character's personality.

Keep it up,
-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham




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This is a very good story, however the storyline= very gossip girl. I liked it though. Just add a little sparkle and more dialogue to make it your own. And i also would've liked more character development. Over all it was a good concept though. Continue development. you're a very good writer. :)
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Hiya! I'm Luxy and I'm gonna review this for you. I've got a system I use for this: red is grammar/spelling errors, purple is word choice, and blue is my commentary.
elite wrote:
This may be kind of difficult to read because this is an expert of a post, from an RP that I was once having. It isn't my best work, but it's something. Noelle is my main character in most stories I write, but you'll learn more about her as time progresses. Enjoy and comment, thank you.



The hustle and bustle of the New York streets brought Noelle home immediately. She missed it here, away from the magic, the evil people, and the surprising attacks. The busy crowded streets of Manhattan comforted Noelle, it put her at peace. But what Noelle missed most was Evan. She may have been home now, and she may have an entire city at her command, but she was in love, and being away from him made her comfort feel like agony. She would deal with the surprising attacks and evil people if she were near Evan. But, she wasn't, and as much as she wanted to relax and enjoy the time she had keep the tenses the same at home she couldn't because ever moment she was wondering what Evan was doing. if he missed her, or if he was upset that she left without even saying goodbye to him. The last sentence I broke up as a suggestion because it was getting too long and was losing me. Part of her was happy to be away from boarding school, but that amount was nothing compared to how much she wanted to see him. There were no phone calls dialed, or any text messages sent. They were like complete strangers suddenly. Who are the evil people and what are the suprising attacks? You haven't explained those.

Every morning as Noelle woke in her empty penthouse with just the house servants. She would smell the scent of fresh coffee in the air and feel the warmth of the sun beaming down on her through her eyelet white curtains that were slightly spread open. She would look towards the window and through her sleepy eyes she would see Evan smiling at her on the foot her bed and as she suddenly awakened from the sheer joy she would see that it was all just a mirage, it was just her imagination and her dreams were just being revealed though still false. This sentence is getting too long again. You're losing the reader. She’d sit up in her bed, wiping her eyes, hoping that somehow he’d come back. That somehow what she was seeing was real and he was just playing a silly joke on her. And every morning after going through the same routine of thinking she saw him she would leave her room and enter the dining room for breakfast, and as she was turning the corner down the hall she would hope to see him at the dining table with the newspaper in one hand and a tall glass of OJ you should use 'orange juice' instead. it sounds better in another. But again, her fantasies never came true. Every day she had hope that he would be there; that she would see him, hear him, or feel him and every day she was left high and dry. Going back to bed discontent and missing him more miserably than before. Add something to this sentence so that it doesn't seem like it cuts off in the middle.

Today was no different than the rest. She woke up thinking that he was here and spring from her bed and into his arms, only to see that there were no arms there to enter. As usual she shook it off, washed her face, brushed her hair, and got dressed for the day. She walked into the dining room and as she turned the corner she still hoped to see him there but was yet again faced with another empty table with the house servant in the kitchen placing dishes in the dishwasher. After breakfast, she did hours worth of online shopping, then went out to 5th Avenue to do real shopping. She shopped her heart away, doing anything to keep her mind off of him. She missed him dreadfully and hated that she put herself in a situation where she may never be able to see him again. The school didn’t want her anymore; there was no way that she could possibly get back in, and she would never want him to leave his education just to be with her. She just needed him.

Noelle felt dead. She couldn’t breathe without him next to her. It was like he was oxygen. Her lungs were deprived of the fresh breath that he gave her every time that they were together. He began to come to her like a dream, she would see him and for that quick moment that he appeared she felt that she was able to exhale again, that her comfortable inhale could be swallowed. She could never just relax. She had no idea about how much she was really in love until he was gone, until she was waking up not in his arms. She missed the way he would hold her, the way she would run her perfectly manicured nails through his thick curly brown hair. She missed the way he looked at her; he made her feel like she was the only girl in the world. Like there was nowhere else he’d rather be and no one else he would rather be with. They were perfect together but she didn’t deserve him; not at all. The person she was didn’t deserve anyone. Probably Jean though. He seemed like the only person that dealt with her properly. He gave her only as much as she gave him. Jean wasn’t afraid to hurt her just like she was not afraid to hurt him. But, with Evan it was different. There romance wasn’t a game, it was real. She didn’t want to hurt him though hurting him was what she did. Noelle needed things to be as perfect as possible that everything had to be under her control. She could never just let go and let their love take the wheel. Probably, that was why they were in the situation they’re in now. take this sentence out. it doesn't match the past tense that you've done mostly throughout the whole piece. if you really want to keep it, you need to get the tense to match the tense of the rest of this.

“Hello?” Noelle stirred in her bed, tangled in her white satin sheets. Her eyes fluttered open, seeing another bare figure in between eye blinks. The unknown figure rolled around, pulling the sheets off of Noelle, now exposing her upper body. Noelle reached frantically for the sheets and covered herself. “Hello? Who the hell are you?” she shouted as she pushed the sleeping figure in the back. He woke up, yawning and stretching slightly as he leaned into Noelle to what seemed like a morning kiss.

“Hey legs, you miss me?” He smiled cockily as he attempted to drape his arm around her. Noelle swiftly avoided his come-ons. Her face was sprinkled with confusion as she tried to remember this person that was in her bed. His face was familiar, slightly, but she couldn’t think of his name, and she couldn’t think of where she even met him. Noelle didn’t even know why this person was even in her home. The guy had bloodshot pale green eyes, and platinum blonde hair that was in some sort of faux hawk. He had a tattoo of a sun on the back of his neck, his breathe smelt like cigarettes, and his hair smelled like beer. why would his hair smell like beer? Why was he even near her? Noelle was mortified. She had just had a dream that she went to sleep with Evan, and then she woke up with this Prince Not-so-Charming.

“Who are you?” She rolled out of bed hastily, pulling the sheet completely off the bed and around her, now exposing his half naked body. He was just in a pair of ill fitting boxers. He sat up more comfortably against the headboard of Noelle’s bed. Noelle felt sick, her stomach was on fire and her head was pounding. Was this a hangover? Did she sleep with this disgusting boy? She couldn’t answer any of those questions, she couldn’t remember anything. The last thing she remembered was the dream she was having just before she woke up.

Ryan was his name, typical, and as much as he knew, he thought Noelle’s name was Stefani change this whole last part of the sentence. it doesn't make sense. According the story he told her, they met last night a bar in upstate New York. What Noelle was doing in upstate New York? She had no idea. She honestly couldn’t remember much of anything. Every time he mentioned something she would get a brief flashback but those visions wouldn’t help too much. She was still quite upset and disgusted with herself for having a man of his low stature in her bed.

“…and that’s when I met you, Stefani. We came back to your place and then-“

“Okay, get out now!” Noelle shouted as she picked up his clothing and tossed it at him, cutting him off midsentence. “Bye!” She watched him as he scurried to get his clothes on and run out of her room. He probably got lost somewhere in the penthouse, but eventually she heard him escape through the exit doors. She fell back into her bed bursting into a flurry of tears. What was she becoming? Some common slut that would get so wasted that she would pass out in bed with some random guy? Not even the guy she was in love with? She couldn’t handle it anymore. Evan wasn’t interested in her it seemed like. He never wrote her, or texted her. They hadn’t had contact with each other in months, ever since she was kicked out of boarding school.

Noelle wasn’t going to sit and take this lightly anymore. She couldn’t always be the girl who needed saving. If she wanted Evan, she was going to have to fight for him and that exactly what she was going to do. And as we all know, Noelle always gets what she wants.


Grammar:
Grammar is never fun, but unfortunately it is essential. The biggest grammatical errors in this piece are in the structure of your sentences. They sometimes run on too long (which makes it so that the reader can get lost in the sentence), or they were just clauses thrown together with commas. It makes it so that this is difficult to read. Another thing that I saw only a few times, was that you switched tenses in some sentences from past to present. I think I marked them up above.

Word Choice:
For the most part your word choice was good. However, there were some spots where I thought you could switch a word or two.

My overall opinion:
Ok, I don't want you to think that I don't like your story. I really do. I just really want some more background information on the whole thing. Why was Noelle kicked out of school? Why hasn't she tried to call or text Evan? What were you talking about in the beginning with magic, surprise attacks, and evil people? I agree with several of the people before me on there needing to be more character development and more dialogue. To me, Noelle seemed a bit strange. It seems like you're trying to make her too much like Blair in Gossip Girl with the outrageous shopping sprees and the always getting what she wants, but then you also make her heartbroken and barely able to get out of bed and live her life. Try and make her one or the other. If you decide you want her to be more like Blair, make sure you make her like Blair. Don't make her be Blair. Definitely give us more information.
Anyhoo, you're off to a great start! Keep on going,
Luxy :D
...or dear Bellatrix, who likes to play with her food before she eats it?
Fear makes the wolf seem bigger.
I got attacked by a swan.




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Thank you all so much! I'm very happy you liked it.

One thing I see in most of all the responses is that you'd basically like to see more development of the character, but as I disclosed in the beginning was that this is an expert - from a post of an RP, that's why it all doesn't make much sense because it's only half of the story. Like Luxy said, you wanted to know about the surprise attacks and stuff, but that would only make sense if you had read the RP you know?

But I'll post more about Noelle, try to make her less like Blair Waldorf (although she is obviously a huge inspiration) and put all of your suggestions to good use because I appreciate them so much. Thank you all again!



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