Fledgling and Liar

Two separate pieces- they're both tiny.


I really like the concept for this one, but I feel like it could be a whole lot better.

"Fledgling"


Fledgling hopes
must take the dive
from the tallest fir in the forest,
must tumble and twist and turn in the air,
only to spread their wings at the last moment,
and truly take flight for the first time.






And I don't know if this one is even worth keeping. I really need a different title for this one too- any thoughts?

"LIar"

with a quivering tongue
and half-spun lies
wobbling from his uncertain mouth
there was no doubt that he was
an inexperienced and clumsy liar-
she knew it, he knew it,
the world sighed as he tried to lie
and tears rose from both their eyes,
unbidden, unwanted, unending



Thanks for reading!
-Coral-

Persephoneia wrote:Two separate pieces- they're both tiny.


I really like the concept for this one, but I feel like it could be a whole lot better.

"Fledgling"


Fledgling hopes
must take the dive
from the tallest fir in the forest,
must tumble and twist and turn in the air,
only to spread their wings at the last moment,
and truly take flight for the first time.

I see the extended metaphor and I notice it's a truly good concept. The idea of comparing hope to a fledgling's first flight is very sweet and not overly used in romantic poetry. I can't help but feel, however, that it is a little too simple. There's only one image here, I would suggest that you give us a bit more descriptions. More adjectives will never hurt. But I think you should expand this poem - I don't really think 6 lines does your premise justice

And I don't know if this one is even worth keeping. I really need a different title for this one too- any thoughts?

"Liar"

with a quivering tongue
and half-spun lies
wobbling from his uncertain mouth
there was no doubt that he was
an inexperienced and clumsy liar-
she knew it, he knew it,
the world sighed as he tried to lie
and tears rose from both their eyes,
unbidden, unwanted, unending

First of all - ALL your work is worth keeping. It is how we measure our growth as writers - never dismiss your work, even if it is not the best work you've ever done. We learn from our mistakes and we move on, but it's nice to have a reminder like markings on the wall telling us how tall we are
Secondly this poem is even more simple than the other one. I would refrain from using lies in the 2nd line because the lying implies the person is a liar and hence this negates any purpose for the 5th line. You have more imagery in this poem, which is always a plus, but I would suggest open these images up. Draw new comparisons! Lies rank with the odour of burnt flesh escaped his mouth! Anything to make your pieces more vivid.

That's really all I will suggest - open your mind, broaden your views and make things more vivid. It will help your writing immensely - but you are on the right track.

Keep writing

I actually loved "Fledgling". It's simple and sweet. As TedusCloud says, it's a metaphor not overly used. I think you should put a little more imagery in it and maybe not capatalize the beginning line or capatalize all of the poem's lines. (It's a pet peeve of mine, sorry.) The first line sounded a little off. I think it'd be better if it said: A fledgling's hopes. I do like it a lot though.

"Liar" was alright. You should definitely keep it; it shows your progress! It needs a lot more imagery. Maybe you could use metaphors not commonly used. The second line through me off; didn't you say he wasn't a good liar? Compare his lies to something unusual. It needs more!

Keep your poems though. Even if you hate them, they show your progress.

yOU SEEM TO HAVE EVERYTHING IN YOU TO MAKE YOUR WORK REALLY GREAT. JUST PUT MORE FIRE AND LENGTH INTO IT. GOOD JOB