Mask

Hi,
Your poem is really effective. The impression it makes on you is quite impressive, and it's very dramatic (wise move putting it in dramatic, LOL)!

You make the reader feel and you give them a good impression. It is very good. I can't find anything really to critique. The only thing is that when you say "Besides myself", you have already said that in the previous line. Maybe if you use that you can say "Everyone besides myself." I find it effective that you repeated it though.

On another note, if you need to talk you can pm me anytime. Masks are not good. It only builds your anger. Building a wall isn't good. Even the walls of Jericho fell.

Hey, I really liked the overall concept of this poem. Masks are great to write poetry or stories about because there are so many different aspects of them to write about. Anyway, the only critcismI have for this poem is that maybe you could give the poem a better rythym and flow? You had good ideas but to me they appeared rather disjointed? Also, there are some parts in which I think you missed out necessayr punctuation. Otherwise good job!

very dramatic definitely the right folder haha. Touching though and relatable too:)

Hey, there! Pink here, dropping by for a short review.

So I like the meaning of this poem, it's quite sad and it's not totally over done to the point where it's laughable. You did a pretty decent job balancing it all out. Now, there were a few lines that didn't make sense to me.

And my pain can beat away

I don't like the usage of the word 'beat' here. I'm sure you can think of something better and more deep-cutting.

Why I don't just scream to the heavens for help

This wording here is a bit weird...Maybe why don't I just scream?

Anyway, the poem was very open and easy to understand and it represented a good meaning. Sometimes I think my mom is unhappy so I like to bug her and ask her things to make her happy because mothers usually seem to care more about everyone else than themselves. Overall, good job.

-Pink

Hello there and welcome to YWS!
Your poem is pretty straight forward. I really liked the concept and the whole message, which is some pretty relatable stuff. However, I felt that it was a little too straight forward. It was not extra special because everything was told as it was. Which made the already cliche topic more cliche. Anyway, that's just me. I would suggest you add more spice into it, more attitude.

Keep writing and good luck!

Howdy and welcome to YWS!

I'm a big fan of simplistic styled poems that are straight forward and more literal in their meanings, so this poem had me from beginning to end. I really felt for the narrator, but I'm sure I could feel more if you wrote in more emotion. When a writer writes something sad and emotional as this, their intention tends to be to have the reader in tears. Sure, I was touched a little saddened by this poem, but I couldn't help but think of how many of these poems I've read before. What makes this stand out from the rest? What gives it a spark that none of the others have? If you ever come back to this poem and decide to change it, I would suggest to maybe add more imagery and make it a little less "one on a million".

Welcome to YWS, and this is a very nice first entry! I feel very connected to this poem, because it reminds me a lot of myself. It's very relatable to real life, and the use of language is very evocative. Keep writing, and keep looking for inspiration! This is a good style of writing for poetry, keep it up
- SOCKS

Hey Sachi!

First off, this poem is on a subject many people can relate to, which is good because there's mass appeal. The only problem is that since everyone feels like this at least occasionally, there are millions of poems on this subject. That doesn't mean you shouldn't write about this subject, but it means you need to find a unique angle---your angle. Now, unfortunately, this poem doesn't have that angle yet. It simply shows cliche upon cliche

I hide my pain with a smile/I cover my tears with laughter/I put on a Mask every day...So I keep to myself/Building a wall/So no one will bother with me.

This has been used so many times, for example in the song Smile by The Alchemist...the band Pink Floyd made an entire concept album and a movie based on "the wall" imagery. So, I challenge you to get rid of these tired ideas and find a fresh way to show your ideas.

Oh, and one last thing. The "mother" image. See, you could do a lot with this. Rather than explicitly stating "I'm like a mother so I blahblahblah" You could turn it into a metaphor, relating the people pleasing to caring for children without coming right out and saying that's what you're doing.

As for technical stuff, there were a couple places that had kind of strange wording, where the poem lost all sense of rhythm or flow.

Now I'm not sure why I even put on that Mask
Why I don't just scream to the heavens for help

This completely breaks with the kind of flow you had going before. I suggest wording this any other way, keeping the flow you had before in mind. Also, "to the heavens for help" doesn't go with the idea of the poem. Maybe get rid of that bit, because it's almost a non sequitur.

Overall though, I think this poem has potential. Fix it up a little, and you can have a truly great poem!

Sporks

sachipachi1 wrote:I hide my pain with a smile...
I cover my tears with laughter...
I put on a Mask every day
So I'm always the one who is smiling [i]you could do something else with this. A lot of songs/poems will use this 'mask' thing, but maybe you should use something else o.o. Maybe, "I wear my mirror everyday". If that doesn't make much sense, you should think on it XD. And then you can change a few other things. That should do it.
The one no one suspects is in pain
I am the "Mother"
I care for everyone else around me
Besides myself but not myself.
I make sure there is no fighting
And that everyone is happy
Just so no one notices
The pain I'm in..
That was before...
Now I'm not sure why I even put on that Mask
Why I don't just scream to the heavens for help
Maybe because I'm usually shut out
I rarely get a say in things
So I keep to myself
Building a wall
So no one will bother with me
But now I want the attention
I want someone to tear this Mask off
And ask me "What's wrong"
So my tears can flow freely
And my pain can beat away[/i]

I really liked the last two sentences for some reason. I don't know way. It just seemed to be the saddest part ^^. As others have said, countless people can relate to this, and I can myself. I always try to make everyone else happy, everyone but myself. People come to me for help and I'm just wondering why the heck I have to do this. I thought I liked helping people, but I found I really hate it. Yet I keep doing it when I could easily refuse, so I'm just confused o.o. I'm just way too aware of how others are feeling, it's a nuissance... Helping everyone but yourself really exhausts you *shakes head*.

But, the happiest people are the saddest most of the times.

It's good that people can relate to this. It will make them like it more, or feel more connected and understand what you're trying to convey. The rhyming was at the top, but after "mother" it kind of died out. That was weird, only because there was rhyming and then not so suddenly o.o. It's a brief read and it's nice, well done for your fire few posts on here :]