Secrets: Chapter One, Part One

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I ran my finger along the rough fabric spines of the books in my library.
My library.
I smiled as I thought of those words, and me saying them.
My smile was replaced by a frown as the R's appeared. The T's would be up. Way up. I reached for the old wooden ladder and pulled it towards me, the wheels squeaking in protest as I did. I grabbed hold of the first rung and made my way up 15 steps to reach the top shelf. The Cherry Wood was dusty up here. I blew a big puff of air at the shelf, only to sneeze when the dust made its way up my nose. I sniffed and pushed myself and the ladder along the wall.
T...T...To...Tol... Aha! Tolstoy. I wedged the book in and gave it a mighty shove to put it all the way in. I took a deep breath. This was the life. The smell of old books and time filled my nose.

The Gwinnett County Library was old. Very old. The windows were intricately stained glass of angels and flowers. The shelved were 12 shelves high and made out of ancient Cherry Wood. All the books were classics. Or at least, old enough to be classics. My dad ran the library, but then he found a job offer for Georgia Power, so he gave the library to me, more or less. Even though it was property of the county, the GCPL was considered a family-run business. My mother had walked the same isles, along with her mother and her mother. My mom was currently in California for four years on a business trip. I pretty much kept to myself these days... There just weren't many people around to talk to.

I climbed down from the old, creaking ladder and shoved it to the end of the row, where all the ladders went at the end of the day. As I was making my way back to the front desk, something caught my eye. I turned and spotted a book, lying in the middle of the isle, face down and open, as if someone set it there to mark a page. I felt my eyebrows pull together in confusion. I thought I'd checked all the rows for books. I picked it up and looked at the cover.
Anywhere But Here
It was by Emily Harris.
I looked at the page that the book was lying open on.

In the darkness of night
We are sent out to find him
For he had been lost
By those who held him hostage.

We searched for hours until the sunrise
Of the Claiming Day.
We could search no farther,
But we had no need.

He found me
Through the Winds
The Water
The Fire


I shook my head, closed the book, and returned it to its shelf. I continued towards the front desk, grabbed the keys, left the building, and locked the massive oak doors.

~...~

That night, the poem ran through my head, over and over, backward and forward, this way and that. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it out. Eventually, it formed itself into a little song. I could barely hear it playing in the back of my head before I finally dozed off.




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Hi and Merry Christmas!
I really enjoyed reading your work, you have great style of writing. I like the way you tie in the facts with the action, it's a really effective way to tell the reader information they need to know to understand the story. Well done!
XxX
"Oh, children, children, why are you following me?"
"We couldn't sleep," said Lucy - and then she felt sure that she need say no more and that Aslan knew all they had been thinking.

The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis.




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I ran my finger along the rough fabric spines of the books in my library. 'ran' doesn't sound right. Try 'run'
My library.
I smiled as I thought of those words, and me saying them. This makes no sense. Do you mean to say that you smile thinking of those words? Or that you smiled as you explored your library?
My smile was replaced by a frown as the R's appeared. The T's would be up. Way up. I reached for the old wooden ladder and pulled it towards me, the wheels squeaking in protest as I did. Take out 'as I did' I grabbed hold of the first rung and made my way up 15 steps info drop. not too bad but the number of steps isn't needed to reach the top shelf. The Cherry Wood what? preview this before or give more detail now was dusty up here. I blew a big puff of air at the shelf, only to sneeze when the dust made its way up my nose. I sniffed and pushed myself and the ladder along the wall.
T...T...To...Tol... Aha! Tolstoy. I like how you did this! :) I wedged the book in and gave it a mighty shove to put it all the way in. Wedged it in or out? Also, if it is 'in', try not to use the word 'in' twice because it disrupts the sentance fluency I took a deep breath. This was the life. The smell of old books and time filled my nose. the whole tense of this paragraph switches back and forth. It's confusing. Try to stick to either past tense or present tense, not both

The Gwinnett County Public Library add GCPL in () just so readers are clear on what you're talking about later in the story. was old. Very old. The windows were intricately stained glass of angels and flowers. The shelved shelves? walls? Walls would make more sense here were 12 shelves high and made out of ancient Cherry Wood. All the books were classics. combine sentances Or at least, old enough to be classics. My dad ran the library, but then he found a job offer for Georgia Power, so he gave the library to me, more or less. Even though it was property of the county, the GCPL was considered a family-run business. My mother had walked the same isles, along with her mother and her mother. My mom was currently in California for four years on a business trip. I pretty much kept to myself these days... There just weren't many people around to talk to.

I climbed down from the old, creaking ladder and shoved it to the end of the row, where all the ladders went at the end of the day. As I was making my way back to the front desk, something caught my eye. I turned and spotted a book, lying in the middle of the isle, face down and open, as if someone set it there to mark a page. I felt my eyebrows pull together in confusion. I thought I'd checked all the rows for books. I picked it up and looked at the cover.
Anywhere But Here
It was by Emily Harris. Anywhere but Here by Emily Harris
I looked at the page that the book was lying open on.

In the darkness of night
We are sent out to find him
For he had been lost
By those who held him hostage.

We searched for hours until the sunrise
Of the Claiming Day.
We could search no farther,
But we had no need.

He found me
Through the Winds
The Water
The Fire

I LOVE THE WAY YOU DID THIS!!!!!

I shook my head, closed the book, and returned it to its shelf. I continued towards the front desk, grabbed the keys, left the building, and locked the massive oak doors.

~...~

That night, the poem ran through my head, over and over, backward and forward, this way and that. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get it out. try another phrase, like "couldn't banish it from my thoughts"Eventually, it formed itself into a little song. I could barely hear it playing in the back of my head before I finally dozed off.


Amazing story! I'm looking forward to part 2!! :D

Taylor
~formerly Ilovebubbles123

"There's only one thing
to do
three words
for you.
Ooh, I love you.

There's only one way
to say
those three words
that's what I'll do.
Ooh, I love you. "

For you.




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Duude! That was such a helpful review! Thank you SO much! I need to go over this and fix it.

Thanks!
Lena ^^




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Hello there. :)
My mother had walked the same isles, along with her mother and her mother. My mom was currently in California for four years on a business trip. I pretty much kept to myself these days... There just weren't many people around to talk to.

This part right here, you switch from one subject to another. The part in red is where it gets confusing. I feel like there's a connection between her mother's business trip and her loneliness, but what is it? Is it because they use to be very close and she told her all of her secrets and problem? Or is it just because she misses her? Slow down and explain. Make a link between the sentence before that, so we understand where it comes from. If it has nothing to do with her mother, then you should simply change paragraphs, although it would make more sense if it has a link.
Anywhere But Here
It was by Emily Harris.
I looked at the page that the book was lying open on.

In the darkness of night
We are sent out to find him
For he had been lost
By those who held him hostage.

We searched for hours until the sunrise
Of the Claiming Day.
We could search no farther,
But we had no need.

He found me
Through the Winds
The Water
The Fire

Is this a real poem? Because I checked on Google, and didn't find it. Yes, I checked... I'm a nerd like that, and I wanted to know if it truly existed. I think it would be really cool if you find one that did, and carried the meaning you wanted. I know, it's not as easy as it looks, but it would be nice, since you mentioned that the library contained all the classics. If you don't, it's fine. :)

The story was fine. I think that there should be a little more information on the characters, since it's the first chapter, but I also think that if you put any more details, it would be too much. Just be sure to develop the personality and give details about the MC in the next chapters so we feel like we know her, and she's not just a random person.

Keep writing!

-Other One
Behind every mask, lies a man that can't live in his own skin. - Woe is Me <3
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