Ecclesiastic Mumblings

Never wrote poetry before - so I don't really know how as such. I just wrote this out of the blue and I sort of liked it so I thought I'd keep it. I'm sure it's filled with mistakes so please critique as you see fit.


Ecclesiastic Mumblings

Of telltale witches who scrounge their needs
Who whisper tales that move in the reeds
Incarnate themselves in fashions of embolisms
Retelling the stories everyone calls paroxysms
Castrating their felonies to make sure they’re contained
Releasing their enemies to keep them at bay
Marauding in nights too clear to be true
Where sights have been set on me and on you
Where we’re locked in a net of trust and of base
Variety and being called, consequentially, a nutcase.

You’re weird, you’re a fag you’re an utter disaster
You’re the type of person who couldn’t disappear any faster
Your uselessness is only mirrored in the fact that your existence is inconsequential
You can’t seriously believe that this rain is torrential
You have nothing; you are nothing; you can do nothing
But at least, my voice defies, that’s more than your something.

Of chocolate that melts, of rooms that smell
Would you be the first one to tell?
Would you defy direct orders dealt from what we think is up above
But you can’t really prove because you’re completely in love
With what they tell you is right; with what they tell you is true
And you lose yourself till you can’t help but ask who
Is this person? What has he become?
I can’t recognize his face is blurred
It’s many and none
Who is he?
But Who?

Then the answer is clear, to them anyway,
Is it important to find out today?
Keep living your lives on multiple screens
The more you have the better
Or so I hear anyway.

So I love reading poetry but not really up for reviewing. To me, judging the grammar is hard because some poets don't like grammar. I think yours is fine. No misspelled words either. The beginning confused me, but got me hooked. What does "castrating their felonies to make sure they're contained" and "releasing their enemies to keep them at bay" mean? Also, the beginning is in third person and the end had 1st/2nd person, so that transition threw me off.

Punctuation would be very useful in this poem, otherwise it looks very juvenile.

Enough with critiques, I did really like it. It reminded me a little of society. I liked the ending a lot. "The more you have the better/Or so I hear anyway". I'll be remembering that for days.

paperbackheart wrote:The beginning confused me, but got me hooked. What does "castrating their felonies to make sure they're contained" and "releasing their enemies to keep them at bay" mean?

Thanks a lot for your critique I guess I was going for the paradox technique here to prove the ignorance of society/religion in general. Castrating their felonies line means hurting whatever they deem is not in 'gods plan' in order to make sure they are subjugated. And releasing their enemies line means a double meaning. You've got the idea of letting something loose just for the thrill of the chase and the idea of releasing something because they can't stand it being within their vicinity even if its locked up

Ecclesiastic mumblings
I liked your poem. It was... felt, I suppose. I've felt like that before.

TedusCloud wrote:Retelling the stories everyone calls paroxysms

'Paroxysms' are sudden outbursts of emotion. If that is indeed what you meant, as in they stories are just sob tales, then the use is apt.

TedusCloud wrote:Your uselessness is only mirrored in the fact that your existence is inconsequential
You can’t seriously believe that this rain is torrential

These two lines are... puzzling. Honestly. The rhythm breaks here, and the second line isn't connected with the first. Is it?
Explanation, possibly?

TedusCloud wrote:Keep living your lives on multiple screens
The more you have the better
Or so I hear anyway.

[gushes fangirl-style] Those lines were simply EPIC. Thank you for writing them.
You're good at writing poems, only, if they're aimed at common reading, making them easier to understand with a quick reading. If they're meant for thorough perusal, don't make the words obscure, make the meanings so. I hope you understand what I'm saying.

Keep writing, fellow author.
- Alexandra

P.S. Merry Christmas! Jingle jingley bells. And a very Happy New Year 2011!

Hello there

I think for a person who does not write poems, this was pretty well done. However, my biggest problem with this was the use of too many big words. Although they mean well, with a poem such as yours where there is rhyming as such; the big words destroy the rhythm. It's always enjoyable when a rhyming poem has a consistent rhythm. A big word will have so many syllables and then go over board. For example:

Of telltale witches who scrounge their needs
Who whisper tales that move in the reeds
Incarnate themselves in fashions of embolisms
Retelling the stories everyone calls paroxysms (this line does not flow well with the others)

All in all it was a very interesting poem. Good job.
Keep writing and good luck