Good-bye. Prologue/Ch1

I'm sorry this is so short!! D: It's my first time writing a romance story, hopefully there'll be more soon [: Thanks for reading! MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!


Only three people knew Hayden Curnow and I were dating. Me, him, and his sister, Elizabeth, usually known as El. We wanted to keep it that way, until my best friend, Alyssa, stopped liking him. I thought it wasn't fair; Hayden crushed on her for two years before moving on, and as soon as he does, she started caring for him. We both knew each other liked him, but neither thought anything would ever happen. But I figured, when Alyssa stopped liking him, then I'd tell her, Nicky, who was Alyssa's sister and also my close friend, and my brother, Tony. No one could know we were dating. Neither of us are actually supposed to date, our parents don't like it, especially since he's only 14. I, at least, should be able to make my own decisions, right? I mean, I'm 17! I should at least be able to date, but I live under my parent’s roof, and have to do as they tell me. Except I don't. At the time, I thought I had considered of all the consequences when people found out about us. Alyssa would be upset and probably cry, but we'd still be friends. If I told her after she got over him, she'd just be a little hurt.
Nicky would be in shock but laugh at it, we'd have plenty of giggles later in the future.
But reality was, nothing could prepare me for what would happen that night, while I got ready to go to my friend’s house where a bunch of us would be hanging out. And nothing could prepare me for the emotional roller coaster I would go through for a whole month and a half.



Tony and I arrived a little early, but hey, early was better than late. My naturally wavy brown hair was up in a pony tail, and I only had a little black eyeliner around my brown eyes. I looked up at my 5'9, 19 year old brother Tony and grinned. He looked down four inches at me like I was crazy.
"Your hair is a mess; did you wear a hat today or something?" I asked him.
He sighed and patted his extremely curly hair,
"I wore my hood" he explained, looking in the car window trying to fix it.
"The wind isn't helping, just go in their bathroom and fix it" I said as a blast of wind blew at us, and eager to get out of the windy winter weather and into the Curnow’s warm house.
"But El's there" he said, looking at me.
Another secret, that everybody knew, Tony and El were dating. I say everybody knew because, well, everybody knew. And yes, that made mine and Hayden's relationship very awkward.
"Throw your hood on?" I suggested,
"That'll make total sense when we're in a warm house with a fire and hot chocolate, won't it, Annie?" he said sarcastically. I grinned again. "No. But you're stupid enough to do it."
He laughed and then went back to fixing his hair.
He sighed. "Not good enough, but I guess it'll do. I'm freezing".
We walked up the drive way and opened the door. I took a deep breath. Their house always smelled like veggies, and I loved the smell of veggies. There was also a peculiar smell that I couldn't put my finger on. I looked around the small, empty, cream colored greeting room. Since no one was there, we moved to the living room which was just down the hall, where the rest of the house began.
5 year old Hailey shyly announced, with her finger in her mouth, to her busy mother Samantha, "They're here".
Samantha looked up, surprised, and looked at the clock, "Oh! I didn't know it was that late!" She exclaimed.
Tony and I smiled, "Is there anything we can do to help?" I asked.
She was obviously getting, or trying to get, the fire started. Tony walked over to the fireplace, rearranged the logs, and put the newspaper in. He offered a piece of crumbled newspaper to Samantha to light. Which she did, and in no time at all, a large fire was going, and the comforting crackling brought El and Hayden downstairs. As soon as the fire had become intense, Hayden and I moved to the kitchen for the making of hot chocolate with the excuse to, ‘let them be alone’. In the kitchen I kissed him ‘hello’.
In the middle of making a big pot of sweet hot chocolate for everyone, Abi, Alyssa, Nicky, Jaden, and about five others arrived, sniffing the delicious and conflicting aroma of the fire, veggies, and hot coco.
Abi is Jaden's ex- girlfriend, but she's still his friend.
Jaden was Tony’s best friend for three years straight; he and I had had a huge thing for two years, but he was a 'good boy’ and wouldn’t date me until our parents approved. I ended up unsure of my feelings for him and told him. We broke up. But I guess you can’t say we broke up when we were never together. He's still hurt, but we still talk; sometimes. Despite Jaden and my being awkward around each other, we all had a great time. We also got to meet five other people we didn’t know.
"Okay! We have a few games here" El said as she walked out with cards, "We can play Uno, Go Fish, Bluff, or Skippo"
"Skippo!" I exclaimed.
"Ew, no! Lets play Uno" Tony said, giving me a scrunched up 'ew' face.
"I'm with Tony" Jaden said with a grin.
"Go Fish" Abi said softly.
We all looked at her, "Well you can't go wrong with a classic" Nicky commented.
Everyone agreed with Nicky and we played Go Fish for ten minutes before El won.
"What do you guys wanna play next?" El asked.
"Winner chooses!" Jaden said before anyone could say anything.
"Then lets play Bluff" El said with a silly grin.
Everyone protested knowing she was the champion of Bluff, but we played, and El won. Just as she won there was a knock on the door.
"I'll get it" Hayden said, getting up.
We all looked at each other.
"I thought everyone was here" Alyssa commented.
"I invited some other friends from my school" El explained, "This is Kristina and Jacob" she introduced.
Tony, Jaden and I jumped up to meet them, "Hi! I'm Annie" I said, offering my hand to Kristina to shake.
"What're we playing?" Jacob asked after everyone had presented their self.
We all looked at each other, "We just finished a game of Bluff" El replied.
"Oh. Who won?" Kristina asked.
"El" almost everyone replied at the same time. We all looked at each other and laughed.
"Nice" Jacob said with a wink to El, which turned Tony red.
Me, Alyssa, Hayden, and Nicky looked at each other, trying not to laugh.
"Now what to play? Does winner still choose?" El asked.
"Lets play Truth or Dare!" Kristina commented.
'Yeah's' went all around excitedly.
"Okay! Kristina, you start" El said, looking at her.
"I dare you to cuddle with Jaden" Kristina dared me.
All the excited chatter stopped instantly and everyone looked at me, her, and Jaden.
I looked at her bewildered face and gave her a slight shake of my head.
"Oh! I meant Hayden, sorry I'm really bad with names" she said with a nervous laugh.
It was almost like a sigh of relief went through the room.
I laughed, "Ew! Who would want to cuddle with him?" I said with a slight laugh and a wink in his direction.
Everyone 'Psh'ed'. He was just to cute to not want to cuddle.
I poked Hayden's firm abs, “Want more coco?” I asked standing up after we all got bored of playing.
“I got it” he replied, standing.
We made our way to the kitchen.
"So, who would want to cuddle with me, huh?" He asked, looking at me through his teasing eyes.
"Yeah. Who would want to cuddle with you" I answered teasingly.
"Oh. Ok." He replied, turning around.
I smiled hugely and tickled him, forcing him to turn around. He grabbed me around the waist. My hand went to his light brown hair, my eyes to his evenly spaced, hazel and green specked eyes.
At this point, nothing mattered, and everything around me faded away until there was only him. We kissed. As we broke for air, I saw Alyssa, Tony, Abi, and Jaden, who had all come to say good-bye, standing in the kitchen doorway.

Hello and Merry Christmas!!!!
I like the start of your story, the description of the characters is great, the way you tie it in with the action. I really like your style of writing because it's very realistic, the only thing I want more of is discription. Try and describe: sight, smell, taste, sound and touch, this way you bring more depth to your writing and the reader can relate more easily. However you can't take away the fact that you are a great writer!
XxX

easilyinspired wrote:Hello and Merry Christmas!!!!
I like the start of your story, the description of the characters is great, the way you tie it in with the action. I really like your style of writing because it's very realistic, the only thing I want more of is discription. Try and describe: sight, smell, taste, sound and touch, this way you bring more depth to your writing and the reader can relate more easily. However you can't take away the fact that you are a great writer!
XxX

Thank you so much I added a little description, I hope it's ok [:

Hello there Michelle! I'm here to write stuff about your story :3
First off, put it in story mode, it'll make it better to read rather than it being to scrunch up.

early is was better than late

and I only had a little black eyeliner

He sighed and patted his extremely curly, dark-brown-almost-black hair, "I wore my hood" he explained, looking in the car window trying to fix it.

Need to be fixed.
Example: He sighed at patted his extremely curly, dark brownish black hair.
"I was wearing my hood," he explained, looking in the car window, trying to fix it.

And yes, that made mine and Hayden's relationship was very awkward. Him being three years younger didn't help either. [New Paragraph]
"Throw your hood on?" I suggested. [New Paragraph]
"That'll make total sense when we're in a warm house with a fire and hot chocolate, won't it, Annie?" he said sarcastically. [New Paragraph]

Make a new paragraph (AKA enter) when you make a dialogue.
Wait, Hayden is three years younger than her? But she's like... 17... so he's... 14? WTF?! D;

I grinned again. "No. But you're stupid enough to do it." [New Paragraph]
He laughed and then went back to fixing his hair.

When his hair was 'not good enough, but we need to get in cause I'm freezing', we walked up the drive-way and walked in the door.

Restate [ Rewrite this sentence. It's awkward. ]

Hailey shyly announced, with her finger in her mouth, to her busy mother Samantha. "They're here". [New Paragraph]
Samantha looked up, surprised, and looked at the clock. [New Paragraph]
"Oh! I totally didn't know it was that late!" she exclaimed, taken off guard.

You probably get the whole idea of the dialogue thing right? Fix the others.

I poked Hayden's firm abs

He has abs at the age of 14? D:
...
Oh wait, that's reasonable, lol.

Then we kissed. As we broke for air, I saw Alyssa, Tony, Abi, and Jaden, who had all come to say good-bye, standing in the kitchen doorway.

HAH! PWNED! XD

Overall, I liked it and hope to see what's going to happen next. Grammar was good but your punctuation and dialogues needs some training. And yes, like easilyinspired said, you need to describe it. Most of the time, it was just a this-and-that kind of thing. Instead of pointing it out, try to describe it with detail as much as you can and let us, the reader, figure it out. That's all I need I have to say so I hope to read chapter 2 :3
Oh... I want to play MS with you!! D:
But I don't wanna change server =3=

OK! I did the best I could, but there's probably something in there somewhere that I didn't see xP
Lul IKR! They got TOTALLY pwned! But it bites her butt later though.
I might create a char where you are, but we'll see (; if I don't like Arcania I'm leaving xD

Only three people knew Hayden Curnow and I were dating. Me, him, and his sister, Elizabeth, usually known as El. We wanted to keep it that way, until the time was right at least. But that would have to wait till my best friend, Alyssa, stopped liking him. [More deatail here would be nice] I thought it wasn’t really fair, Hayden had liked her for two years before moving on, and as soon as he does, she started liking him. [The tense here seems like your writing in both past and present] We both knew each other liked him, but neither thought anything would happen. But I figured, when Alyssa stopped liking him, then I'd tell her, Nicky, who was Alyssa's sister and also my close friend, and my brother, Tony. No one could know because neither of us was actually supposed to date. [Why?] I should be able to make my own decisions, right? I mean, I'm 17! But I live under my parent’s roof and have to do as they tell me. Except I don't, but they don’t know that. [Can we have an example?] At the time, I thought I had thought of all the consequences when people found out about us, but in reality, nothing could prepare me for what would happen that night, while I got ready to go to my friend’s house, where a bunch of us would be hanging out. And nothing could prepare me for the emotional crap I would go through for over a month. (Only if you want)



Tony and I arrived a little early, but hey, early was better than late. My naturally wavy brown hair was up in a pony tail, and I only had a little black eyeliner around my brown eyes. I looked up at my 5'9, 19 year old brother Tony and grinned. He looked down four inches at me like I was crazy.
"Your hair is a mess; did you wear a hat today or something?" I asked him.
He sighed and patted his extremely curly, brownish black hair,
"I wore my hood" he explained, looking in the car window trying to fix it.
"The wind isn't helping, just go in their bathroom and fix it" I said as a blast of wind blew at us, and eager to get out of the windy winter weather and into the Curnow’s warm house.
"But El's there" he said, looking at me.
Another secret, that everybody knew, Tony and El were dating. I say everybody knew because, well, everybody knew. And yes, that made mine and Hayden's relationship was very awkward. Him being three years younger didn't help either.
"Throw your hood on?" I suggested,
"That'll make total sense when we're in a warm house with a fire and hot chocolate, won't it, Annie?" he said sarcastically. I grinned again. "No. But you're stupid enough to do it."
He laughed and then went back to fixing his hair.
He sighed. "Not good enough, but I guess it'll do. I'm freezing".
We walked up the drive way and opened the door. I took a deep breath. Their house always smelled like veggies, and I loved the smell of veggies [Why?], but there was also a peculiar smell that I couldn't put my finger on. I looked around the small, empty, isolated (I dont think isolated is needed here, nor does it make much sense), cream colored greeting room. Since no one was there, we moved to the living room (comma) which was just down the hall, where the rest of the house began. (Repetetive, maybe you should think about re-wording the next sentence) Right down the hall was the living room, go a little more, take a left, and there was the kitchen doorway. Right where the living room and kitchen met, there were stairs leading up to the three other rooms. The fourth room was downstairs, right by the stairs. In the living room, we were greeted by Hailey, the Curnow’s 5 year old daughter.
Hailey shyly announced, with her finger in her mouth, to her busy mother Samantha, "They're here".
Samantha looked up, surprised, and looked at the clock, "Oh! I totally didn't know it was that late!" She exclaimed, taken off guard. (This doesnt quite sound as if a mother is speaking...it's just a bit to juvenile)
Tony and I smiled, "Is there anything we can do to help?" I asked.
She was obviously getting, or trying to get, the fire started. That was the peculiar smell I smelled earlier. (Two smells in one sentence is repetitive)Tony walked over to the fire place, rearranged the logs and put the newspaper in. He offered a piece of crumbled newspaper to Samantha to light. Which she did, and in no time at all, a large fire was going, and the comforting crackling of the fire brought El and Hayden downstairs. As soon as the fire had really started to go, Hayden and I moved to the kitchen for the making of hot chocolate with the excuse to, ‘let them be alone’. In the kitchen I kissed him ‘hello’ and we started making hot chocolate. His kisses were my drug. I loved them.
In the middle of making a big pot of sweet hot chocolate for everyone, Abi, Alyssa, Nicky, Jaden, and about five others arrived, eagerly sniffing the smell hot chocolate and fire had to offer. (There are to many references to hot chocolate in this paragraph)
Abi is Jaden's ex-girlfriend-but-still-friend. (This is awkward) She clings to him like there's no tomorrow. She's cool, she just has a problem letting her crush, my boy friend(No space), do anything without her.
Jaden was Tony’s best friend for three years straight; he and I had had a huge thing for two years, but he was a 'good boy’ and wouldn’t date me until our parents approved. I ended up unsure of my feelings for him and told him. We broke up. But I guess you can’t say we broke up when we were never together. He's still hurt, but we still talk; sometimes. Despite Jaden and my being awkward around each other, we all had a great time. We also got to meet five other people we didn’t know.
We played Uno, Go Fish, Bluff, Skippo and Truth-or-Dare by the warm, blazing fire with our cup of sweet, hot chocolate. It was a little awkward because one of the girls, who didn't know about Jaden and my past, dared me to cuddle with him. I didn't, but I never knew things could get so awkward. After that, people got a clue not to do things that put us together. We got over it and had fun though.
It was the nearing the end of the party, but I wasn't done.
I poked Hayden's firm abs, “Want more coco?” I asked standing up, offering to take his cup.
“I got it” he replied, standing.
We made our way to the kitchen. Our talking covered up the knock on the door so we didn’t hear some of the parents greeting each other in the door way, their laughter smoking in the cold winter air. Before we made our way back to the living room, I reached up and touched Hayden's smooth cheek and ran my fingers through his soft, light brown hair, all the time looking into his beautiful hazel eyes. At this point, nothing mattered, and everything around me faded away until there was only him. He put his arms around my waist as we looked at each other for a while. Then we kissed. As we broke for air, I saw Alyssa, Tony, Abi, and Jaden, who had all come to say good-bye, standing in the kitchen doorway.[/quote]

Well, i like it. I believe in needs some work, and my comments are in red and some simple edit's are in blue. To be honest, I didnt see much of a plot but it is only the first chapter so i look forward to reading more, good luck, and if i were to leave you with anything it is to be more honest. Sometimes i felt as if you were writing like someone else and nothing is better than honest writing that is so much more than original.
-Tori

Only three people knew Hayden Curnow and I were dating. Me, him, and his sister, Elizabeth, usually known as El. We wanted to keep it that way, until the time was right at least. But that would have to wait till my best friend, Alyssa, stopped liking him. interesting conflict I thought it wasn't fair, semicolon might work better here Hayden liked her for two years before moving on, and as soon as he does, she started liking him. We both knew each other liked you’ve repeated ‘liked’ about four times since the story started. Bring out a thesaurus and switch some of these words up. ‘fond of him’ or ’cared about him’ or ’crushed on him’ would all work. him, but neither thought anything would ever happen. But I figured, no comma when Alyssa stopped liking him, then I'd tell her, along with Nicky, who was Alyssa's sister and also my close friend, and my brother, Tony. No one could know we were dating. Neither of us are actually supposed to date, our parents don't like it another conflict, especially since he's only 14 another conflict (I like all these roadblocks in the character‘s way. They will make the story very interesting!). But I, at least, should be able to make my own decisions, right? I mean, I'm 17! I should at least be able to date. ButYou start too many of your sentences with ‘but’ I live under my parent’s roof, and have to do as they tell me. Except I don't, but they don’t know that. At the time, I thought I had thought of considered (try not to repeat any words) all the consequences when people found out about us. Alyssa would be upset and probably cry, but we'd still be friends, butyou’re repeating ‘but’ again if I told her after she got over him, she'd just be a little hurt.
Nicky would be in shock but laugh at it, we'd have plenty of giggles later in the future.
But reality was, nothing could prepare me for what would happen that night, while I got ready to go to my friend’s house where a bunch of us would be hanging out. And nothing could prepare me for the emotional crap ‘emotional crap’ sounds a bit juvenile I would go through for a whole month and a half.

So far, this is a great start! I love how you introduced us to all of the conflicts and hardships your character will be facing. It seems very interesting to me. They are juggling practically every dating issue imaginable. The parents don’t approve of dating in general, the age difference will not be socially accepted, and plus she’s dating her best friend’s crush.
Be very careful of repeating words. You say ‘but’ quite a bit and it’s distracting.
Chapter 1


Tony and I arrived a little early, but hey, early was better than late. My naturally wavy brown hair was up in a pony tail, and I only had a little black eyeliner around my brown eyes. I looked up at my 5'9, 19 year old brother Tony and grinned. He looked down four inches at me like I was crazy.
"Your hair is a mess; did you wear a hat today or something?" I asked him.
He sighed and patted his extremely curly, brownish black hair, I appreciate the descriptions, but you kind of throw them all in at once.
"I wore my hood" he explained, looking in the car window trying to fix it.
"The wind isn't helping, just go in their bathroom and fix it" I said as a blast of wind blew at us,andeager to get out of the windy winter weather and into the Curnow’s warm house.
"But El's there" he said, looking at me.
Another secret, that everybody knew, Tony and El were dating. I say everybody knew because, well, everybody knew. And yes, that made mine and Hayden's relationship very awkward. Him being three years younger didn't help either. you’ve already explained their ages in the introduction.
"Throw your hood on?" I suggested,
"That'll make total sense when we're in a warm house with a fire and hot chocolate, won't it, Annie?" he said sarcastically. I grinned again. "No. But you're stupid enough to do it."
He laughed and then went back to fixing his hair.
He sighed. "Not good enough, but I guess it'll do. I'm freezing".
We walked up the drive way and opened the door. I took a deep breath. Their house always smelled like veggies, and I loved the smell of veggies, it soothed me for some odd reason this is a little weird. There was also a peculiar smell that I couldn't put my finger on. I looked around the small, empty, cream colored greeting room. Since no one was there, we moved to the living room which was just down the hall, where the rest of the house began. Then came the living room obviously, since in the previous sentence you told us you were moving into the living room, go a little more, take a left, and there was the kitchen doorway. Right where the living room and kitchen met, there were stairs leading up to the three other rooms. The fourth room was downstairs, right by the stairs. This is really boring. How is any of this relevant? Do we really need to know the outlay of the entire house? In the living room, we were greeted by Hailey, the Curnow’s 5 year old daughter.
Hailey shyly announced, with her finger in her mouth, to her busy mother Samantha, "They're here".
Samantha looked up, surprised, and looked at the clock, "Oh! I didn't know it was that late!" She exclaimed, taken off guard. It’s kind of implied that when she says ‘ I didn’t know it was that late’ that she was taken off guard.
Tony and I smiled, "Is there anything we can do to help?" I asked.
She was obviously getting, or trying to get, the fire started, which was the peculiar smell I thought you said the house smelt like veggies. . Tony walked over to the fire place fireplace, rearranged the logs comma and put the newspaper in. He offered a piece of crumbled newspaper to Samantha to light. Which she did, and in no time at all, a large fire was going, and the comforting crackling of the fire obviously it was from the fire… what else would be crackling? brought El and Hayden downstairs. As soon as the fire had really started to go be more descriptive than ‘go‘ , Hayden and I moved to the kitchen for the making of hot chocolate with the excuse to, ‘let them be alone’. In the kitchen I kissed him ‘hello’. His kisses were my drug. I loved them. Probably because they were his. I’m not of fan of these last three lines. They just don’t have any effect on me and they feel cliché.
In the middle of making a big pot of sweet hot chocolate for everyone, Abi, Alyssa, Nicky, Jaden, and about five others arrived, sniffing the delicious aroma. now what aroma would that be? The veggies, the fireplace, or the hot chocolate?
Abi is Jaden's ex- girlfriend, but she's still his friend. She clings to him like there's no tomorrow. She's cool, she just has a problem letting her crush, my boyfriend, do anything without her. It’s not exciting for the reader to read something like this. Your narrator is basically telling us everything about the character as soon as she walks in. The fun of reading is when we can discover who these people are for ourselves. You have to show us who they are, not tell us.
Jaden was Tony’s best friend for three years straight; he and I had had a huge thing for two years, but he was a 'good boy’ and wouldn’t date me until our parents approved. I ended up unsure of my feelings for him and told him. We broke up. But I guess you can’t say we broke up when we were never together. He's still hurt, but we still talk; sometimes. Despite Jaden and my being awkward around each other, we all had a great time. We also got to meet five other people we didn’t know.
We played Uno, Go Fish, Bluff, Skippo and Truth-or-Dare by the warm, blazing fire with our cup of sweet, hot chocolate. It was a little awkward because one of the girls, who didn't know about Jaden and my past, dared me to cuddle with him. I didn't, but I never knew things could get so awkward. After that, people got a clue not to do things that put us together. We got over it and had fun though. This is pretty boring. Like I said before, you are simply telling us these things without actually getting the reader involved in the scene. It’s not any fun.
It was the nearing the end of the party, but I wasn't done.
I poked Hayden's firm abs, “Want more coco?” I asked standing up, offering to take his cup.
“I got it” he replied, standing.
We made our way to the kitchen. Our talking covered up the knock on the door so we didn’t hear some of the parents greeting each other in the door way, their laughter smoking in the cold winter air. Before we made our way back to the living room, I reached up and touched Hayden's smooth cheek and ran my fingers through his soft, light brown hair, all the time looking into his beautiful hazel eyes descriptions like this are flat. I get that your character thinks he‘s gorgeous, but be specific. What exactly makes him gorgeous? Instead of ‘beautiful hazel eyes‘ tell us that they were almond shaped and had specks of green around the irises. Instead of ‘soft, light brown hair‘ compare it to a cocker spaniel. Instead of ‘smooth cheeks‘ say how there must‘ve been magnets under his skin because your fingers were constantly grazing his soft cheekbones. The reader won’t get anything out of ’he’s just beautiful’, you have to be very smart and descriptive with your word choice to draw us in. . At this point, nothing mattered, and everything around me faded away until there was only him. He put his arms around my waist as we looked at each other for a while. Then we kissed. As we broke for air, I saw Alyssa, Tony, Abi, and Jaden, who had all come to say good-bye, standing in the kitchen doorway.

So I like the story. It seems like there is a lot of risk, and that draws me in. However, I don’t feel your characters. You didn’t give them any proper introduction besides rattling off their past love lives as if that is supposed to give us an insight on who they are. I hope in the future you’ll delve deeper into who these people are.
Be careful with your word choices. I would spend time going over your descriptions and making them as interesting and entertaining as possible, to really draw us in. Right now, it just feels kind of bland.
Onto part 2! Let me know if you have any questions/comments!