for ever unknown

i tried to rewrite the poem i wrote before and make it better please comment
thnx



You wonder why i am like this.......
Why i hide my smiles.......
Why i hide my tears.......
Why i don't trust you.......
Why i despise you.......
Why i think so little of you.......
Why i ignore you.......


You turn to me and ask.. with a sarcastic evil smile that will never make you feel good inside:
" Why can't we be friends?...."
"Why can't you tell me where you meet all your FRIENDS?...."
"Why can't you just tell me where you HANG?....where you spend your WONDERFUL weekends?..."
You laugh about it inside,
With a thrill you annoy me,
Scold me and try to make me mad,
You turn to your friends,
You whisper,
You laugh,
You ignore the daggers coming out of other eyes...

For this i will never forgive you,
When you stabbed me in my bleeding heart,
When you did hurt me where it already hurt,
You know i can't have friends,
You know i can't even "hang",
You know i can't even breathe,
I am trapped in a transparent box,
Watching every body have a life while i don't,
Screaming,
Shouting,
Giving up,
I finally see i can't have a life,
I have no parents,
I have no home,
I just lay there in a place unseen,
An orphan trapped in a world,
Where to every body he will forever be unknown

okay what i am getting from this, is anger and sadness i have a feeling that this is ment to touch the readers heart make them feel what the writer is feeling. And it does this which is a good writing technquie. i love the flow of emoton by sadly i'm not quite getting the hitch to it. what is it trying to tell us. i understand the feeling yet i don't get the story line, she/he is an orphan or something, they don't have friends, family or anyone to rely on this is all i getting. i don't understand the begging at all try and make it a bit more clearer! PM when you have. if you are going to change it, i really think you should.

Hey sher, I have a some nitpicks to point out and I'll highlight all my changes in red.

You wonder why I am like this . . .
Why I hide my smiles. . .
Why I hide my tears . . .
Why I don't trust you . . .
Why I despise you . . .
Why I think so little of you . . .
Why I ignore you . . .

You turn to me and ask, with a sarcastic evil smile that will never make you feel good inside:
"Why can't we be friends?"
"Why can't you tell me where you meet all your friends?"
"Why can't you just tell me where you hang; where you spend your wonderful weekends?"

You laugh about it inside,
With a thrill you annoy me,
Scold me and try to make me mad,
You turn to your friends,
You whisper,
You laugh,
You ignore the daggers coming out of other eyes . . .

For this I will never forgive you,
When you stabbed me in my bleeding heart,
When you did hurt me where it already hurt,
You know I can't have friends,
You know I can't even "hang",
You know I can't even breathe,
I am trapped in a transparent box,
Watching every body have a life while i don't,
Screaming,
Shouting,
Giving up,

I finally see I can't have a life,
I have no parents,
I have no home,
I just lay there in a place unseen,
An orphan trapped in a world,
Where to everybody he will forever be unknown

I have to say that some of the puncuation made the poem unclear and confusing. I get the concept . . . a bit. I have been back stabbed multible times and I get how it's like, but please take some of the tips I gave you.
Keep writing!
-T

Polishing this up a little would be great, but I think it holds an interesting feeling in it. I don't really know what to say, but this was pretty well done. I think it has great potential. And I think I just spelled that wrong...Anyway, great job and keep writing!

A good poem. To whoever this poem was aimed at (he/she with the evil smile) , I despise him/her too. That means you reached your goal. Keep writing and goodluck.