Clouds of Chalk

The snaps on my grips make satisfying clicks,
Maybe today it'll be me she picks,

The room is loud with bustling conversations,
I read a poster on the wall that lists regulations,

"Madi, you can start us off for the day,"
Oh, let this go well I look up and pray,

I rub my hands in the bucket of chalk,
Then slowly, I begin to walk,

Running my hand along the smooth wooden bar,
I chin-up and pull over, and glance at Star,

She's busy jotting down little notes,
I close my eyes and feel myself float,

I'm up in the air and I'm flying high,
High enough to touch the sky,

When I open my eyes motions me to start,
I nod and with the swiftness of a dart,

I slice through the air and I spin and release,
But I can't feel anything, and for once I'm at peace,

And when I wake up, I'm in a white room,
With beeping machines and the thick smell of doom,

And I know I'm hurt because of the haziness in my head,
That was caused by the painkillers that replace Star instead,

I don't think I landed my dismount too well,
I shouldn't have tried it and I can't believe I fell,

I know my career as a gymnast is done,
But maybe now I can have some real fun,

Hang out with friends and go to the mall,
I'll be popular and even have friends to call,

But then I see my old leotard in a chair,
And suddenly I start to care,

That I can't flip anymore or do mounts on the beam,
I guess now I'm not on any team,

But my heart slows when I see my right arm,
All casted up, and I know there's no harm,

I can still do all the flips I desire,
And work out until I really perspire.

Hi elfwriter97,this is a good start but there are a few changes I think you need to make. I think the way you are making the lines rhyme is a bit cheesy. I do however like how you describe her as a gymnast and how you describe her mixed emotions about hurting herself and your the happy ending. Good job,keep up the good work!

Honestly, at first I thought it was a sad poem, until the very end. Maybe you want to keep the happy ending, but it would have been much more touching if she had hurt herself so she couldn't keep being a gymnast. (It's hard to write a happy poem, and honestly, no-one really remembers them. Laugh and move on. The tragedies teach lessons, and they are always remembered if they are touching and written well.) Also the end was sort of weird. Like really?

I can still do all the flips I desire,
And work out until I really perspire.

My favorite part was this one. Call me depressed, but yes, that's my favorite part.

And when I wake up, I'm in a white room,
With beeping machines and the thick smell of doom,

Try writing a tragic variation. You might be pleasantly surprised!

well i like this. but i have to admit at first i thought this was about a little girl in elementary school. so you might want to clear up WHERE we are.

you did a good job describing the hospital by the way.

over all it's pretty well written. in my eyes. but i'm not a poet so . . . yeah

I enjoyed your work. It was simplistic in the style and still managed to tell a story. It read quite well and although I did not always feel that your word choices were the best.

For example:
She's busy jotting down little notes,
I close my eyes and feel myself float,

feeling myself sounds a little bit awkward in my opinion.

Overall though, it left me with a positive feeling and the ending was uplifting.

Nice work.

Hello there

First of all, I admire you for keeping the rhyme in this poem through out the poem! I quite enjoyed it. However, as personal preference, a poem this long that rhymes gets old quickly. I don't know why, but the magic and wit fade and everything seems forced. It turns into ramblings. Don't get me wrong though, this was really good and well intended.

The snaps on my grips make satisfying clicks,
Maybe today it'll be me she picks,

A great start indeed.

Overall, lovely, well written poem.
Keep writing and good luck.

The title of this poem really pulled me in---very poetic, very clever. And the first two lines definitely were a great way to start. The words ran together smoothly, almost as if they could roll off the tounge. Then as I kept reading, I must say I got a bit disappointed. Some of the rhymes were quite elementary, and the rhythm felt off in several places. . . However my intrest perked again when you suddenly transitioned from her presentation to the hospital setting---I sure didn't see that coming! I actually really liked the ending. I think it would have been on the chilche side if she had never been able to do gymnastics again, but apparently she can. One thing I really appreciate was how well you displayed the feelings of the narrator. I could feel this girl's nervous anticipation, [i]wanting[i] to get called upon but at the same time afraid to be. And her mixed feelings at the end were very believable, too. Overall, a decent poem, but keep writing because you got potential!

The entry to this poem was very exciting for the first part and at first I thought you were talking about love, but when I kept reading I noticed that it was a girl and more about gymnastics than anything else. Who is Star? I don't quite get that part. Is she a girl that teaches you?

Overall a great poem and I would give it 50 points if I could.