One Day

Hey. So I haven't written a poem in a long while so today, I decided to force one out no matter what.

People think it’s right,
When I fall into a shadow
And stay there.
People. Those I intimidate.
Don’t think I can’t see you,
When you watch me walk;
When you lean as I talk.
I’m not paranoid. No.

So, I shall sit and observe
For I will get my turn...
One day.

People think it’s right,
When I pretend to be broken
For their sake.
Those who can’t handle
Me.
Don’t think I can’t see you,
When you rejoice my sadness;
When you smile at my distress.
I’m not mad. No.

I shall sit and observe
For I will get my turn...
One day.

One day- that day
When the sun comes around and finally lights my spirit;
When the bitter in me turns into butter;
When I can smile again without your consent.
Liberty.

Spoiler

I know it's a little repetitive but there's no rule against it, right?

This is a great poem!! I do think it needs more emotion though. The repetitiveness actually gives it personality, it's very nice

Keep writing,
Alzora

For a poem written on the draw, must say, well-done. I really liked this poem, mostly because I felt that connection to the main narrator. I'm a bit of a paranoid person and I have a tendency to worry, so this kind of made me smile and nod my head a bit. As far as little nitpicks and critiques, I'll point out a few:

So, I shall sit and observe
For I will get my turn...
One day.

For some reason, this just seems out of whack to me. I mean, everything is a bit out of whack, which is what makes it so connected to that feeling of paranoia, but this stanza just doesn't seem to read right to me. Maybe try adding a word or two to that second line.

Those who can’t handle
Me.

Again, another one of those that just doesn't seem to read right to me. I think it's the "me" that's standing alone.

Other than those two things, I really liked this and am impressed for this just being pulled out on the quick draw.

Hey.
Thank you both for taking time and reviewing my poem.

TheWalkinDude wrote:

So, I shall sit and observe
For I will get my turn...
One day.

For some reason, this just seems out of whack to me. I mean, everything is a bit out of whack, which is what makes it so connected to that feeling of paranoia, but this stanza just doesn't seem to read right to me. Maybe try adding a word or two to that second line.

That stanza is actually implying that, yes, the narrator may be paranoid and in denial of that, but they cover it up by 'observing' or waiting. With the wait, they hope that one day everything will be different and the feelings will be gone. Waiting brings that special sense that everything will turn out great in the end. The narrator will get the chance to be as free as the people referred to.

I'm am really glad and thankful for the feed back. I appreciate the suggestions as well.

This was a great poem, but I didn't quite feel any depth from your poem though
Try exaggerating some words, so you can really reach out to the reader more
Hope I was of help

-Sachipachi1