Family Secrets Chapter 1

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“Come on girls, pack your bags. We’re going on a vacation!” I awoke with a start as Dad burst into the room I shared with my twin sister Brooke.

“Dad,” Brooke and I moaned in unison.

“Oh girls cheer up. I thought the two of you, of all people would enjoy an island resort.”

“We’re up.” We both jumped out of bed.

It was then that I got a good look at my dad. He was wearing one of those cheesy tourist getups with the floral shirt and khaki shorts. Not to mention the odd lack of beard and glasses.

“Dad, what have you done?” I gasped.

Dad smiled. “What, don’t you like my new look?”

I thought that over. “Well, looking past the hideous clothes it’s not too bad.”

“Regardless, hurry up and pack, we leave in an hour.”

“Well then, out, out, out.” Brooke shrieked.

“Alright, alright I’m leaving.” Dad put his hands in the air as he backed out the door. Brooke rushed to close it.

“You heard him Blair, let’s get moving.”

I nodded.

Then, it was an all out raid. Brooke rushed to find an empty sketchbook, her good drawing pencils, our hiking and climbing gear, as well as my favorite books, my spare supply of note books, and every writing utensil known to man. I on the other hand, packed enough clothes and bathing suits to last us a year. Ah, the wonders of vacations.

Within minutes Brooke and I were pounding down the stairs, each of us carrying a bulky suitcase.

“We’re ready.” Brooke and I rang out as we tromped down the stairs, our bags clunking along the walls.

“Finally,” Mom joked. She sat in her usual La-Z-Boy. She too looked different. Instead of her long brown hair she had cut it short and dyed it blonde over night.

“Mother your hair!” Brooke’s uncharacteristic squeal made Mom’s hand fly instinctively to her hair.

“Jeez Louise, you two are rude ?this morning.” Dad joked.

“Well you guys are getting spontaneous changes and there is only one thing to say to that, we want in.”

Mom and Dad smiled. “Sure.”

Brooke and I looked at each other in wonder. A thought bubble formed between us. It read: What did they say? They are actually going to give us makeover? Could this day get any weirder?

“So, what do you want to do? Dye your hair?” Mom’s smile grew.

We nodded.

An hour later, Brooke and I were on our way to the airport with our new hairdos. Brooke went with a deeper brown than she had in the beginning whereas I went with a bleached blonde with rainbow streaks. ‘Nothing like a new do to go with a new adventure,’ as Mom had put it.

Now it was off to the island.
Last edited by BrooklynWriter on Wed Dec 22, 2010 7:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Hello Brooklyn! I'm HP and I'll be your reviewer today!

First off I want to say that this was interesting. I had a good time trying to figure out what the family secret was and I'm guessing that the parents are spies going into hiding or something. One of the good things you did was you didn't give away too much, which will keep readers like me reading so that we can figure out what the mystery is. :D

“Dad,” Brooke and I moaned in unison.


Another thing that I noticed is that you don't mention the protagonist's name at all until towards the middle of the story. You do a good job of revealing just a little bit of information at a time to keep the suspense going, and to keep the readers from being overloaded with information.

“We’re ready.” Brooke and I rang out as we tromp down the stairs, our bags clunking along the walls.


This is the only little error that I saw. It should be "tromped" instead of "tromp". Everyone makes these mistakes all the time though!

Overall, this is actually a story I would like to read more of. I love books about spies or the mob or really any other type of mystery/suspense books. So keep on writing this novel of yours and I'll be here to read and review as often as I am able!

Keep Writing!
~HP~
"I can't afford a teddy bear, so I sleep with this contact solution."


Taran: He will not succeed in this. Somehow, we must find a way to escape. We dare not lose hope.

Fflewddur: I agree absolutely, your general idea is excellent; it's only the details that are lacking.




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Okay, so this was good, but it could have been better. You kind of just jumped from one thing to the next - there was no detail anywhere.

But other than that, I really like this and hope you continue it (I'm gonna guess it's a witness protection program sort thing?) and PM me when you post another chapter!
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Hello there, BrooklynWriter! I hope you are having a 'jolly good time' as it is the holiday season. ;)

BrooklynWriter wrote:“Come on girls, pack your bags. We’re going on a vacation!”

You want your first line to be a real attention-grabber, and this truly wasn't as attention-grabbing as a writer would like the first line to be. Perhaps something more along the lines of, "It was Tuesday when my father awoke me, and with an air of euphoria he announced we were going on a 'fun, little trip.'" I think this is mainly my opinion, but I do not like stories that start off with a character's dialogue.

BrooklynWriter wrote:“Oh, girls, cheer up. I thought the two of you, of all people, would enjoy an island resort.”

You missed some punctuation in there. Nothing huge, but be sure to read a sentence aloud and that will make it easier to find where you need add commas, etcetera.

BrooklynWriter wrote:“Alright, alright, I’m leaving.” Dad put his hands in the air as he backed out the door. Brooke rushed to close it.

Alright. You have had a ton of dialogue by now, but yet we have only a description of the father - why not add in some descriptive words about Brooke, or even Blair herself?

BrooklynWriter wrote:“Mother, your hair!” Brooke’s uncharacteristic squeal made Mom’s hand fly instinctively to her hair.

You missed a comma. However, I like how you mentioned it was uncharacteristic of Brooke to squeal. It helps add dimension to her as a character.

BrooklynWriter wrote:“Jeez Louise, you two are rude ?this morning,” Dad joked.

Probably a typo, but you don't need that question mark in the middle of the sentence. :P And I believe it should be a comma at the end ("...this morning," Dad joked.) instead of a period.

BrooklynWriter wrote:“Well, you guys are getting spontaneous changes and there is only one thing to say to that: we want in.”

Just some punctuation corrections here in there (in red).

BrooklynWriter wrote:Now it was off to the island.

It was off to the island, really? For some reason, this bothers me. Perhaps you should just say, "Now, we were heading to the island." The term 'it' is too general and 'it' can refer to anything.

Overall

This whole first chapter was mainly dialogue, with a few descriptions thrown in here or there. A good novelist knows that a chapter needs to have more than just dialogue, other wise the reader will get bored and it makes it a bit harder for characters to develop and become less like 'cardboard.' I think you should write another draft of this, while including more descriptions and sly comments about their antics (like - "Brooke was an avid gum chewer, and even as we were getting our hair dyed, there she was, chomping away on what seemed to be a slobbery piece of banana gum.") so as to flesh your characters out. Right now, they appear to be a lot like cardboard.

Your characters are just walking around talking. The first chapter is the chapter to develop characters and set the stage for how the writing will be in the rest of the book. Right now, you're telling us you'll talk about hair a lot, and have a lot of dialogue and very little description or purpose behind the character's actions.

I hope this helps.

xoxo Mizz
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Because after all, those wings will take you up so high."
-- Owl City, "To the Sky"
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Hi, I enjoyed your worked due to all the suspense you gave. You work had a good start but perhaps you could add in staff other than dialogues. Well, thats my opinion. Anyway good job!




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As soon as I read the synopis I was like yeaaahhh this story is for me. I'm a sucker when it comes to mysteryes.

So This was quite a good story with good plotline however as I am a writer I have to let you know that it wasn't the best I've seen. As i said the plot was good and i'm sure it will be a great story but there lacked imagery, description if I am honest just the basic literature skills.

The only thing I can suggest is that you read over and edit. Try fit in exciting words that make you feel like your standing there watching it all happen. Right now I am an onlooker. What I d when writing a novel is,
- I ask myself is that how you would put it if the MC was you?
- Have I used a thesaraus to see if I can use better words?
- Have a edited this and checked for grammer/punctuation mistakes?

All these tings are good ways to make sure your story has filled its full potential. At least it helps me.
Corrections are in red;


Come on girls, pack your bags. We’re going on a vacation!” I awoke with a start as Dad burst into the room I shared with my twin sister Brooke.

“Dad,” Brooke and I moaned in unison. Wait why are you moaning when your dad just told you, your going on vacation?[/color
]“Oh girls cheer up. I thought the two of you, of all people would enjoy an island resort.”

“We’re up.” We both jumped out of bed.[color=#FF0000]I guess this sounds a little monotone. It was too rushed, to much matter of fact. I mean they just woke up? Shouldn't they be rubbing their eyes or something?!

It was then that I got a good look at my dad. He was wearing one of those cheesy tourist getups with the floral shirt and khaki shorts. Not to mention the odd lack of beard and glasses. This was good. It showed us he had a beard and glasses ina kind of humoruous way.

“Dad, what have you done?” I gasped.

Dad smiled. “What, don’t you like my new look?”

I thought that over. “Well, looking past the hideous clothes it’s not too bad.” Wait you gasped when you first noticed it and now you like it? a bit confusing here.

“Regardless, hurry up and pack, we leave in an hour.” Okay here is where it starts to feel a little rushed, panicked even. He hasn't told the girls anything other then they are going on a vaction to a holiday resort in an hour. So you need to write at least a short paragraph to really help us understand what you're trying to capture here. Plus they are leaving in an hour? If that's so its a little short. The parents would have woken them up earlier to pack and eat and so on so maybe widen the time slot. If you want to.

“Well then, out, out, out.” Brooke shrieked.

“Alright, alright I’m leaving.” Dad put his hands in the air as he backed out the door.That was nice, a really pictured that. Brooke rushed to close it.

“You heard him Blair, let’s get moving.”

I nodded.

Then, it was an all out raid. Brooke rushed to find an empty sketchbook, her good drawing pencils, our hiking and climbing gearShe is packing climbing gear to go on a island resort?, as well as my favorite books, my spare supply of note books, and every writing utensil known to man. I on the other hand, packed enough clothes and bathing suits to last us a year. Ah, the wonders of vacations.

Within minutes Brooke and I were pounding down the stairs, each of us carrying a bulky suitcase.

“We’re ready.” Brooke and I rang out as we tromped down the stairs, our bags clunking along the walls.Shouldn't they be hungry or something? Or at least wondering are they getting food at home or at the airport? Make it realistic. ;)

“Finally,” Mom joked. She sat in her usual La-Z-Boy. She too looked different. Instead of her long brown hair she had cut it short and dyed it blonde over night.

“Mother your hair!” Brooke’s uncharacteristic squeal made Mom’s hand fly instinctively to her hair.

“Jeez Louise, you two are rude ?this morning.” Dad joked. No this sentence is confusing. Who is Louise the mom? Then why does he say to her that THEY are rude. Deff. need to look over this, it's way to confusing.

“Well you guys are getting spontaneous changes and there is only one thing to say to that, we want in.” You need to rephrse this, try this if you want (only suggestions here ;)
Well wow is all I can say. You two are trying hard. I think we should be allowed in on all this. What about blue hair with pink spots? (I don't know if you like that but it adds a bit of humor and helps you see it at there level. I MEAN it has to be weird seeing both your mom and dad change overnight. Teens find that embarrassing. Maybe try to capture that it you want.


Mom and Dad smiled. “Sure.”

Brooke and I looked at each other in wonder. A thought bubble formed between us. It read: What did they say? They are actually going to give us makeover? Could this day get any weirder?Are you saying they are telepathic?

“So, what do you want to do? Dye your hair?” Mom’s smile grew. I'd love a mum that chilled.

We nodded. Maybe be more specific. I mean what colour, shouldn't they be excited or even freaked out or is their mum always like this.

An hour later, Brooke and I were on our way to the airport with our new hairdos.Again, you said they need to be at the airport in an hours time and for them to pack would have at least took half an hour and to dye your hair? I'd say more then an hour atleast. Brooke went with a deeper brown than she had in the beginning whereas I went with a bleached blonde with rainbow streaks.Mmm, funny. I LIKE this actually. Shows the twins personalitys. One obviously fasion conscious and the other more light hearted to get rainbow colours. ‘Nothing like a new do to go with a new adventure,’ as Mom had put it. COOL! I like that too. Fun.

Now it was off to the island.

Overall =>>>
-This was an ok story but you have a lot of editing to do. As i said I can't give out about your plot because I'm a sucker for mysteriys. Your title was good and mostly you just need to work on your basic skills otherwise this could turn out to be quite a good story. Most of all never give up. All reviewers are here to help you make your story better. So just take this as a pointer and do some editing and this will make a perfect story
Well done, have a merry christmas and good luck editng.
Kaka x ;)
Sorry if I seemed harsh, just trying ot help.
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Kaka,
You disapoined me. Some of the mistakes that you pointed out were done on purpose to fit the mood of the story and the girls.




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I agree with Mizz’s review. She pointed out all the errors I found, so I’m not going to repeat them. You should probably go back and edit through all her corrections, though.

This chapter could have a lot more detail. This is a good basic outline, but you should think about going back and adding in as much personality as you can. Your characters seem just a bit bland; the kooky dad type, the cool mom type, the twin sisters. What makes them stand out? Is there any annoying habits Brooke does when she wakes up? Generally, how do the twins get along? I would think that having to share a room and all, they would be at each other’s throats from lack of privacy. Or maybe they are mad at their parents for not giving them a room of their own? That was just my thoughts, but you should be establishing all of this in your own words, and probably in the first chapter.

That’s really all I had to add; more detail, more personality, and a more unique start to the story. Besides that, I really can’t complain, and honestly I’m interested enough to read more.

If you post any more of this, I’d be happy to review it.
~blacksheep
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