Lost Love Chapter 1 (first ever story)

Narrated by Lizzie

People say that if you love someone set them free. If they come back, they are yours, and if they don’t, they never were. But what if they come back and leave you again?

This is a story of a girl who is surrounded by people, but still alone. This is my story.

It has been five years since I first saw Ethan. His perfect eyes, his soft and shiny hair, his cute smile made me fall in love with him the minute I saw him. I was one of those people who did not believe in love at first sight, until now.

It was a beautiful day outside and we were practising for our upcoming assembly. While taking a five minutes break, I was glancing at people and there I saw Ethan with his friends. That very moment I felt like we were the only two people on Earth. I know it sounds all movies like. But that feeling was the most beautiful feeling I have ever felt.

The sad thing is he didn’t even know I existed. I adored him from far for almost a year, but then, my parents gave the worst news of my life. We had to move, I was going to a different country. This was just not fair, I had to leave all my friends, my family, but most importantly, I had to go away from Ethan.

I had no choice but to leave. I was really sad and hated this country I was in now. But hey, life was pretty okay after that. I found Ethan on a social networking site and guess what, he knew me. I felt like nothing would go wrong now. We talked each and every day and somehow he came to know that I loved him.

He asked me out, and I said yes, obviously. Things were going great until I finally met him. I went back to my country after two years and there he was at the airport with a huge bouquet of flowers. I thought to myself that I am the luckiest on Earth to have such a wonderful boy friend.

But, as they say getting your hopes up too high hurts a lot in the end. He was there to tell me it was over between us. Was it just me, or the world was crashing on me? I just hoped that I was asleep and it was all a nightmare. But it was reality. I didn’t know why that was happening to me. Everything was perfect between us and all of a sudden he says it’s over. Why?

He left me there, with so many questions in my mind.

It was really good the onlly problems were to do with the flow of it.

Anshita wrote:His perfect eyes, his soft and shiny hair, his cute smile that made me fall in love with him the minute I saw him.

Anshita wrote:I was glancing at people and there I saw Ethan with his friends

I think you should rephrase this, maybe; I was looking around and I saw Ethan with his friends

Anshita wrote: I know it sounds all movies like like a movie.

Anshita wrote:I know it sounds all movies like.Bbut that feeling was the most beautiful feeling I have ever felt.

Anshita wrote:I adored him from far for almost a year, butthen, my parents gave me the worst news of my life

Anshita wrote: I was really sad and hated this country I was in now

this doesn't make a lot of sense to me.

Other than that it was very good and i'd like to read more

This is amazing. I wanted to cry when I read this. Very well written.

What was vivid for me was your narration. I loved it, your voice is like a breath of fresh air on a hot sunny day. You were very honest in your writing.
What was unvivid for me was how abrupt you were with your plot timeline. It was also very mixed in what you were saying. When you write, you don't want to write about one thing, write about another, and then jump back to the first thing you were writing about. It has to be consistent. Also, I don't know if you want to mention the fact that he asked you out, right away. Don't you want to slowly build up on the story higher and higher during the whole process of it?
In all it was great

Hi, Anshita! Pink here, dropping by for a short review.

So, I loved the beginning. It was written well and it was definitely a puller. The whole I was surrounded by everyone but still lonely part was a tad cliche but I could live with it. Now, this was quite short and you stuff a lot of information into this small little piece. Since this is a novel, I would recommend that you slow down your pace. Let us get to know your character and her setting. Don't dump the information on us at once, guide us through it slowly. This way, the pace is steady and we'll be able to get to know and connect to your protagonist.

As far as your writing goes, there wasn't any big mistakes and you have a pretty good knowledge of your punctuation and all. Nice. You have a beautiful narration and I'd love to see it used to it's full strength if you lengthened it and all. As mentioned above, I'd work on your abruptness and all. What made this guy go out with Lizzie? Why did he chose he have a long distance relationship with her online? What made her that special? You don't give us all the information and we need that in order to believe your characters. If you work on the little things, I can see this becoming quite a novel. Good luck on the rest of it. ^^

-Pink

I love where you are going with this, however i think you could use stronger vocabulary. Instead of using simple words like soft and shiny try something else like, smooth and glistening. Not necessarily those words. Thats was just and example, but over all, other than that, I love the idea, and story line.