Welcome to YWS! My name is Aly-son and I am honored to be your very first critic.
Let me start by saying that I'm simply giving my general opinion to help you out the best I can. You can take it or leave it, but don't take anything personally. I'm only giving your my way of a helpful hint from one writer to another. If you don't like it then you can ignore it, but don't get mad or slam me down for it.
Your probably wondering why I'm trying to ease you into being nice to me. Well the truth is I didn't find this very interesting, but don't worry I'm not going to critisize you for it, just give you some ideas I think might help it or maybe for next time you decide to post again. First of all, it's overloaded with drama drama and more drama. I'm not saying that alot of drama is bad for a story. Some people really like reading stuff like that! However, its crammed together so deep that you can't find the story. If you want this to be a short story then I would suggest take a piece that you find most important and write about that simply with more details. In order to write a story you need a begening, middle, and end, but all I'm seeing here is some depressing biography of some girls life.
What's her name? What does she look like (besides having facial hair)? What is her personality? What are the other main characters involved with her like? Who are her enemies and why? Who are here friends and how? What I would like to see, if your keeping this a short story, is to shorten the intro and her background giving more info and details on what you pick. Then simply take one important event and give it a story, details, setting, characters, dialogue, etc. Or if you want to keep all this info, then you cant turn this short story into a chapter book, making each chapter detailed with one or two events at a time.
You also need to edit your work because I found a lot of grammar and spelling mistakes as well as double space your paragraphs because it just looks like a long mess otherwise. I don't know much about poetry, but I'm pretty sure this isn't a poem.
I know it seems like I'm just chewing on your writing here, but someone had to do it. Like I said just my opinion don't have to take it if you don't want to. PM if you have any question or want anymore help. If edit this then I would gladdy give you another review if you want. Good luck to you. Keep writing- Aly-son
We all wish for forever, but forever doesn't always mean forever. The only moment we have is right here, right now. so think fast, baby before we lose it. <3
It is impossible to fully explain a man/woman's life in only a few short paragraphs. This could be made interesting if you were to spend more time going into a deeper detail about the various struggles this person has gone through. We get a brief outline of their life, so incredibly vague that it is, quite frankly, not all that interesting.
If the person was a he/she, how did they screw around with their dealer to get coke? Doesn't seem like the dealer would want to hook up with a he/she.
I think you should expound upon this a bit more. A lot more, actually.
'This must be Thursday,' said Arthur to himself, sinking low over his beer. 'I never could get the hang of Thursdays.' — Douglas Adams, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
My name is Aly-son and I am honored to be your very first critic. 
