You decide (:

His hand brushed against mine. Electrifying. A bolt of lust rushed through my viens, and I found myself staring into his deep brown eyes. This was pathetic. Me. Him. It would never happen, but I couldnt stop my eyes from following him, I couldnt stop my lips from wanting his, I couldnt help it. He ran his fingers through his ratted hair. Oh, how I wished I was a strand of loose hair hanging from his head... Oh how I longed to be his.
"What are you staring at?" A voice of an angel awoke me from my day dream.
"Uh..." I didnt know what to say, how to respond. He just caught me drooling over him. Great, just great.
"Well?" He wanted an answer. Now. I stared at him, in shock and confusion hoping the right words would come flying to my lips. Now would be great, c'mon Madison think, think!
RINNNNG!!!!
Saved by the bell.
I picked up my book bag and stuffed my binder deep down under the crumbs and paper balls. I was a mess. "rrrr rrrr" My phone. Ugh. I slid it secretly out of my pocket and watched the message flash before me.
'hey grl, I saw you starin' at me.'
I blushed. We have been texting for almost two weeks now, I told him everything. My parents, my first love, my future. We had so much in common we just.. clicked. Then when I see him in class my tongue becomes a huge knot in the back of my throat and I cant help but to blush. He liked me. I liked him. Why can't everything be that simple?












SO you decide YWS, should I continue this story? OR stop here?

Hey Remember me !
Book here, well to answer your question, I think you should continue with this story ! ^ ^ It might be a little cliche, but so what? It's the cliche stories that people read again and again. Anyway, I think I can relate to this story, in some way. I don't really know how, lol. But I really did like it, maybe it was a too short for people to decide if they wanted more of this story.

So, I hope you continue to do this story ^ ^ I hoped I helped ( I don't think I did though,lol ) Don't hesitate to PM me if you have any questions or want me to review anything.

Keep on writing.

~Book Person~

Well, there really isn't anyting wrong with this story... ok, yeah, it does sound kind of cliche, but still, there isn't really anything technically wrong, it's just that this is kind of short, and nothing really happens, it's just, like, a girl, who likes a guy, a guy who likes her back... I think my biggest issue is that I don't see much of a conflict... The conflict is she can't talk to him in real life? I suppose you might be able to write a story based on that, but i can't really see it...

I would never tell someone NOT to write. Write this story if you want to, if you're not sure about it you can try writing something else, it's your desicion!

Oh, and some technical advise: The very begining was kind of confusing, you said,

His hand brushed against mine.

I imagined a boy sitting across from a girl, and he reaches out to hold her hand. I recomend explaining what were the circumstances here... was she sitting at her desk, he got up to sharpen a pencil, walked past her and... yeah? I don't know... I just found that confusing.

I can't really judge this though... like I said, it's short, and, well I can't really relate, so don't take me too seriously

--
TabbyGirl

Hey Rememberme. :P Kae here! I'm not really going to do a nitpicky review (spelling, grammar, etc.).

rememberme wrote:His hand brushed against mine. Electrifying. A bolt of lust rushed through my viens, and I found myself staring into his deep brown eyes. This was pathetic. Me. Him. It would never happen, but I couldnt stop my eyes from following him, I couldnt stop my lips from wanting his, I couldnt help it. He ran his fingers through his ratted hair. Oh, how I wished I was a strand of loose hair hanging from his head... Oh how I longed to be his.

Okay, you have an intense start here that would draw basically anyone's attention. That's good. But, this whole part is a little bit too much. We get the concept that she really likes him, etcetera etcetera. I think this would be improved if you cut this down a bit, and if you could just get straight to the point. You're kind of rambling a bit in here.

Also :

rememberme wrote:A bolt of lust rushed through my veins

I think this is creative and unusual, but in my head/aloud it doesn't read very well. In other words: There isn't anything wrong with this at all, it just sounds a bit awkward, in my opinion.

rememberme wrote:RINNNNG!!!!
Saved by the bell.

Hehe, this is of course, as you know, a bit cliched. Maybe you can have something else happen? xD Well, it's not really a big deal.

rememberme wrote:I picked up my book bag and stuffed my binder deep down under the crumbs and paper balls. I was a mess. "rrrr rrrr" My phone. Ugh. I slid it secretly out of my pocket and watched the message flash before me.
'hey grl, I saw you starin' at me.'

In this whole part, can you describe her feelings a bit more? Whether it be through actions (I snatched up my book bag and hurriedly stuffed my binder...) or just by explaining, I think showing the reader how the MC feels would boost this whole part quite a bit.

rememberme wrote:I blushed. We have been texting for almost two weeks now, I told him everything. My parents, my first love, my future. We had so much in common we just.. clicked. Then when I see him in class my tongue becomes a huge knot in the back of my throat and I cant help but to blush. He liked me. I liked him. Why can't everything be that simple?

If you decide to continue this story, and the plot/main part of the story is their relationship, or something like that, the speed of this part is okay. Otherwise, I would slow down this part a little. Maybe explain a bit more about how they came to like each other, and what they have in common?

You probably know that many romantic short stories start like this, so I can't really predict if this story is worth continuing or not (I mean that the plot hasn't really started yet). So, please continue if you have a good plot! I think it should totally be up to you; I think you have a decent beginning. I hope, if you continue, that you will start characterizing the MC and the other dude.

Good luck, and keep it up!

~KD

His hand brushed against mine. Electrifying. A bolt of lust rushed through my viens, and I found myself staring into his deep brown eyes. This was pathetic. Me. Him. It would never happen, but I couldnt stop my eyes from following him, I couldnt stop my lips from wanting his, I couldnt help it. He ran his fingers through his ratted hair. Oh, how I wished I was a strand of loose hair hanging from his head... Oh how I longed to be his.

this whole first part gives me a very intense feel, I think it would be more effective however, if you cut some of the rambling out. for example
"His hand brushed against mine, electrifying. I found myself staring into his deep brown eyes (even be more descriptive, maybe tunnel-black eyes or piercing brown eyes), a bolt of lust rushed through my veins. Him and I? it would never happen. Yet, I couldn't stop my eyes from following him. He ran his fingers through his ratted hair. (Ratted doesn't sound like a positive descriptive word)Oh, how I longed to be his.

I feel like your drama and depth becomes less and less apparent throughout the piece, overall, I like the idea! I just think you could add much more to it! keeeeep going !!

continue!

Hello there!

I see that you have tons of critiques already so I don't think I still need to do a line by line review. Here it goes.

I can tell that you have a good way of fastening up your reader's attention, especially when it comes to your introduction. However, it feels a bit tell-y, try to show more, girl. And your main character's reactions are not that really realistic, maybe just going exaggeration that's all. I'm not saying that's a very bad thing, maybe it's just that it feels a bit weak. The voice coming from your MC sounds a bit speedy, so try to slow down. It's because she sounds too desperate all over that guy, enough for me to be not-so interested about her.

About the story plot, the pace seems fast, just like what I've said earlier. Expand more, by that means, try to show more of your character's actions, environment and try to even illustrate the setting of the story. Although I could tell that she's in a classroom but the problem is, you won't let her say that she's in a classroom. There's always time, so why won't you try to give your MC a chance to introduce herself to the readers and a bit with the guy too. Also, grammatically speaking, you have a lot of issues about punctuations and apostrophes. So reread again your piece, so you'd be fully aware of it. :3

Overall, this could be improved. By the end of the last word, I'm like, "Okay? That's all?". This seems to be a very short story, that I couldn't really give a very thorough review. But I hope this helps. PM me for any questions, okay?

Keep writing and peace out,

Yuriiko

rememberme wrote:His hand brushed against mine. Electrifying. A bolt of lust rushed through my viens, and I found myself staring into his deep brown eyes. This was pathetic. Me. Him. It would never happen, but I couldnt stop my eyes from following him, I couldnt stop my lips from wanting his, I couldnt help it. He ran his fingers through his ratted hair. Oh, how I wished I was a strand of loose hair hanging from his head... I like This line a lot Oh how I longed to be his.

"What are you staring at?" A voice of an angel awoke me from my day dream.

"Uh..." I didnt know what to say, how to respond. He just caught me drooling over him. Great, just great.

"Well?" He wanted an answer. Now. I stared at him, in shock and confusion hoping the right words would come flying to my lips. Now would be great, c'mon Madison think, think!

RINNNNG!!!!

Saved by the bell. This is a good line

I picked up my book bag and stuffed my binder deep down under the crumbs and paper balls. I was a mess. "rrrr rrrr" My phone. Ugh. I slid it secretly out of my pocket and watched the message flash before me.

'hey grl, I saw you starin' at me.' ''

I blushed. We have been texting for almost two weeks now, I told him everything. My parents, my first love, my future. We had so much in common we just.. clicked. Then when I see him in class my tongue becomes a huge knot in the back of my throat and I cant help but to blush. He liked me. I liked him. Why can't everything be that simple?
The ending kind of caught me off guard, which is good. I was expecting the cliche ending how he never knew she existed,blah blah blah. But you twisted it around. Good job











SO you decide YWS, should I continue this story? OR stop here?

The answer is your looking for is YES! i absolutely love this, especially the ending! So keep it going, you can do a lot with this and go in many different directions. If you do decide to go on with this good luck!