Insincerity

5 posts
Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 1066
Reviews 7
So that’s a yes indefinitely
A heartbeat, make it one, two and three
You closed tired eyes
And open them to my own uncertainty

Is it alright if I scream
I’ve forgotten what silence ought to mean
Maybe if I say it all
You’ll wake from falsely definitive dreams

The thought I keep
As I listen to angels crying in their sleep
Did we know we’d end up here
Before insincerity pulled us in so deep

Sweet emptied smile
Guess that means you’ll be gone awhile
I smile back at you
It takes two to play with beautiful denial

And I hear it in your voice
The indecision was so clearly my choice
But I’ve left everything
If you’re asking love is no longer a choice

If that’s all you can say
I’d really rather not hear it on the replay
You’re breaking glass
As I pick up the pieces and start to pray

How long’ve you been out of line
Was it before or after everything was fine
Don’t tell me it’s over
I’m not falling for perfect recovery this time

Do you have patterns in your hand
Where my fingers traced out writing in sand
Three times over
Just for once tell me where you really stand




Random avatar
Gender Male
Points 795
Reviews 45
So that’s a yes indefinitely
A heartbeat, make it one, two and three
You closed tired eyes
And open them to my own uncertainty I love this stanza, it throws me straight in and I really feel it.

Is it alright if I scream
I’ve forgotten what silence ought to mean Great line here.
Maybe if I say it all
You’ll wake from falsely definitive dreams

The thought I keep Interesting tone change here to sorrow, but I like how the anger creeps back in later.
As I listen to angels crying in their sleep
Did we know we’d end up here
Before insincerity pulled us in so deep

Sweet emptied smile
Guess that means you’ll be gone a while
I smile back at you
It takes two to play with beautiful denial

And I hear it in your voice
The indecision was so clearly my choice
But I’ve left everything
If you’re asking love is no longer a choice Akward rhyme

If that’s all you can say
I’d really rather not hear it on the replay
You’re breaking glass
As I pick up the pieces and start to pray Great line, again. Sorrow and anger together at this point

How long’ve you been out of line
Was it before or after everything was fine
Don’t tell me it’s over
I’m not falling for perfect recovery this time Slightly akward rhyme again

Do you have patterns in your hand
Where my fingers traced out writing in sand
Three times over
Just for once tell me where you really stand


Wonderful poem overall. I really liked the emotion. I think some more imagery could have been used to make it more intense, but overall I am very impressed and I thought it was very, very good!

Keep writing!




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 10997
Reviews 229
So that’s a yes, comma indefinitely
A heartbeat, make it one, two and three Love this!
You closed your tired eyes
And open them to my own uncertainty

Is it alright if I scream?
I’ve forgotten what silence ought to mean
Maybe if I say it all, comma
You’ll wake from falsely definitive dreams I don't really get this line here...

The thought I keep
As I listen to angels crying in their sleep
Did we know we’d end up here?
Before insincerity pulled us in so deep

Sweet emptied smile
I guess that means you’ll be gone awhile
I smile back at you;
It takes two to play with beautiful denial

And I hear it in your voice
The indecision was so clearly my choice
But I’ve left everything
If you’re asking, comma love is no longer a choice

If that’s all you can say, comma
I’d really rather not hear it on the replay.
You’re breaking glass
As I pick up the pieces and start to pray

How long’ve you been out of line?
Was it before or after everything was fine?
Don’t tell me it’s over
I’m not falling for perfect recovery this time

Do you have patterns in your hand
Where my fingers traced out writing in the sand
Three times over
Just for once tell me where you really stand


Alright, this is quite good. I really love it! I don't have much to say about the elements you used; it's great.

Keep on writing!

-Truth-
.- <3 -.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 28282
Reviews 884
Well I think the people before me did a good job of taking this piece-by-piece, so I guess I'll just sum it up. It was pretty good, although there were parts where the rhyme was obviously a little trouble, but I got what you were saying and the message and emotions were clear. Overall, this wasn't the best I've seen, but it was a solid piece anyway.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver
Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another. ~Lemony Snicket




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 5008
Reviews 95
hey, shaken.
nice words. maybe you'd want to make a song out of it?
just thinking. :D

keep writing and stay motivated.
-telle.
You've got the key to my heart..but have you forgotten about a duplicate?
Sorry. I've already given it to someone else.



“A good book isn't written, it's rewritten.”
— Phyllis A. Whitney, Guide to Fiction Writing