Suicide

Suicide

I look at the small child before me,
diagnosed with cancer,
dead before his time had come.
He looks up at me,
“What happened?”

“You died,”
I answer calmly.
His brown eyes fill with tears,
“What about Mommy and Daddy?”
“Grieving for you.”
His mouth forms an “o”,
a tear slides down his small face.

I bring up a window to the world below,
“You can still see them.”
The boy watches his parents,
the slightly transparent screen showing them,
grieving for their lost child.

We can’t hear their words,
but his mother mouths,
“I can’t take it anymore.”

His father reaches towards her
understanding and horror on his face,
but he doesn’t stop her.

She picks up a gun, goes outside,
points it at her head.

The screen goes blank;
she had just pulled the trigger.

“Has Mommy gone to Hell?”
Asks the boy.
I nod sadly.
Tears run down his cheeks.

I look at the small child before me,
dead before his time had come.
He looks up at me,
“What happened?”

“You died.”
I answer calmly.
His brown eyes fill with tears,
“What about Mommy and Daddy?”
“Grieving for you.”
His mouth forms an “o”,
a tear slides down his small face.

I bring up a window to the world below,
“You can still see them.”
The boy watches his parents,
the slightly transparent screen showing them,
grieving for their lost child.

We can’t hear their words,
but his mother says,
“I can’t take it anymore.”
She picks up a gun, goes outside, It's too fast, and it makes it less believable at this point in my opinion.
points is at her head.

The screen goes blank,
she had just pulled the trigger. This is a very moving stanza

“Has Mommy gone to Hell?”
Asks the boy.
I nod sadly.
One more tear runs down his cheek.

I really liked this poem - I was very moved by it, but I must say I found it a tad confusing towards the end.

Throughout the whole poem, I assume the boy has killed himself, but he also seems rather young for this, and obviously his mother kills herself, so did he kill himself too, or did he die another way?

If he kills himself too, then why is he not in hell as well?

I would have liked you elaborate and clarify on that.

Overall, I thought this was a deeply touching piece, and I really am impressed with the talent I have seen on here recently. It seems like more than usual, hmm, maybe it's the Christmas spirit inspiring people!

Keep writing!

Justagirl wrote:Suicide

I look at the small child before me,
dead before his time had come.
He looks up at me,
“What happened?” I was confused at first at this stanza, but then I finally realized that it was supposed to be an angel narrating the poem. I also like how you had the boy ask a short question and the angel gave a short answer. It makes me think of the sort of shock one must feel when one dies and is in Heaven. All you can think to ask is "What Happened?" and all the angels think you're able to handle is the obvious "You died".

“You died,”
I answer calmly.
His brown eyes fill with tears,
“What about Mommy and Daddy?”
“Grieving for you.” Another example of that short question, short answer thing I liked.
His mouth forms an “o”,
a tear slides down his small face.

I bring up a window to the world below,
“You can still see them.”
The boy watches his parents,
the slightly transparent screen showing them,
grieving for their lost child.

We can’t hear their words,
but his mother says, This is a little confusing for me. The narrator says that they can't hear them, yet then he turns right around and says what the mother just said. Maybe you did that intentionally? Maybe it's just something that slipped past you?
“I can’t take it anymore.”
She picks up a gun, goes outside,
points it at her head. I agree with Adam. You bring this up too fast. Maybe try adding a few more stanzas, building up to this point.

The screen goes blank,
she had just pulled the trigger.

“Has Mommy gone to Hell?”
Asks the boy.
I nod sadly.
One more tear runs down his cheek.

Once again, you bring a moving poem that is well-written and simple, yet still strong enough to catch the reader. Normally, I don't like poetry written like how you've written it, being as it seems more like a story than a poem to me, but I still enjoyed this very much for its idea. This is very strong and doesn't really need much work in my opinion.

This was one of those pieces where I go, "Oh...that's horrible! But really good. But horrible! But really good..." etc. I agree with the others that the mother's suicide comes on too quickly, but other than that I think it's good. (This may be because I totally did NOT notice that you told us "we couldn't hear their words, but the mother said, 'I can't take this anymore,'" which just shows how completely off my game I apparently am at the moment...

Awesome. And if her suicide came on to quickly, just throw in an extra line or two. Perhaps show the dad's emotions. What I think we all liked about this was the stillness, it's like an explosion in stop-motion but the sounds are definitely moving Amazing, deserves to be featured and a strong warning against suicide. Whether a person believes in Hell or not. If there's one thing I recommend (but I'm scared of messing up the poem) is that you describe the boy with something better than 'small'. True, it describes his age and so forth, but then again so can other words. In description try keep away from concrete descriptions but rather allude to it more. Instead of saying he weighed so much, just say he was pudgy. Use certain words stereotyped to a group of people (e.g doctor's don't usually cackle, right?) Word choice is important.

Anyway, awesome poem. I'm going to link to it one Facebook.
Well done,
God bless,
TheNewHero.

His mouth forms and “o”,

- Typo: 'an'

That's only mistake I caught. Anyway, the suicide of the mother was, like what the others said, fast. That part of the poem lacked development. Also, it's just straight 'What the heck?' to the mother going in Hell because she committed suicide because of her son's death. I don't think it agrees with everyone's beliefs. Was the suicide enough basis for the mom to go to Hell? That part too also lacks development. Another thing is, you could've added a part of the son looking for her mother when she died before "Has Mommy gone to Hell?".

I sounded rude xD. The poem was well done, actually. It was just sad at the last part. It felt like a shattered mirror in front of my face when I come to think of that part of the poem.

This was a very moving poem, very- for lack of a better word- blunt. As in, it's very straight to the point. I liked the imagery, for me it was easy to clearly see what was happening. But I agree with some previous poems, maybe some more detail would be great. But nonetheless, I enjoyed reading it- suspence from the start!

MissMadHatter

Hello there!

Here to review.

“You died.”
I answer calmly.
His brown eyes fill with tears,
“What about Mommy and Daddy?”

The reaction seems a bit unrealistic and weak. If someone said that, crying would be just a start. Especially that the speaker is talking to a child, I tell you, his eyes filled with tears isn't enough.

His mouth forms and “o”,
a tear slides down his small face.

You don't tell his mouth forms an "o"... Show it.

We can’t hear their words,
but his mother says,
“I can’t take it anymore.”

This is confusing. If the speaker himself can not hear their words, then how did he know what the child's mother is saying?
And I think you mean to say "voice" instead of words. So you might want to rephrase this.

She picks up a gun, goes outside,
points is at her head.

"Points it at her head."

And the mother's action seems like a sudden slap on the face. You know, just so to justify your title, which again is very fast-paced and very unlikely to happen. And wouldn't it be better if you had to show his father's reaction too? and also with the other people?

“Has Mommy gone to Hell?”
Asks the boy.
I nod sadly.
One more tear runs down his cheek.

Again, a very weak response. With that being said, "a tear" rolling down the boy's cheek wouldn't suffice well for this poem. It's because it seems that the boy has that 'robot' emotion that bothers me off. I know you can change the boy's reaction to something more compelling and even more... moving. And I think slashing "asks the boy" might help the flow better because it's clear that he's questioning in his dialog.

~

So I think this poem lacks emotion, depth and doesn't attract my attention very well. Why won't you write a very good opening line and ending? In that way, you're poem would at least come out better. You know, if you're writing a poem, you should try to add tinge of salt and sugar (by that, I meant up and downs emotion). However I noticed that the theme involves suicide, so it is expected that your piece should create a melancholic feeling and voice from the speaker. And as with the theme, try to spice it up because it looks tad cliche'.

Secondly, let the emotions stand out throughout the poem. Make it realistic so your readers can feel what the speaker is seeing and trying to say. And especially that this involves a child, express his response and sentiments well. Because when I read his reactions, it was all like, "Okay. My mom died. Father never cares.", then you tell a tear on his cheeks. It is very insufficient.

Lastly, how about experiment on some words and poetic devices? It's because I find your poem plainly-written. Attempt on good techniques; like rhyming, alliteration, metaphors and other things that would really make your poem stand out from any 'suicide' poems.

Overall, this has potential. Maybe just take into account your reviewer's suggestions. I hope you this review helpful and understandable since everything is all based on my opinions. PM me for any questions.

You might want to check out this link: forum152.html

Keep writing,
Yuri



Overall, this has potential.

Sounds like a nightmare..I really liked the quickness of the poem, but found myself wishing for more depth in the story. Perhaps add some more imagery and descriptive language?

This poem just left me asking questions, and maybe that was the point. How did he die? Who is the narrator? How does he feel?

It's a good poem, but I feel with some more powerful words, you could invoke much more emotion in the reader.

I read your poem, then read through the reviews people have given you previously and was pleased to notice that you have edited your poem accordingly! As it stands now, there’s nothing else for me to add. The dialogue helps advance the story and I love how blunt the child’s questions and the angel’s (or God’s?) answers are; the bluntness really augments the poem’s impact and shock effect. Great job, keep writing!

This is a good poem, and most everyone else has taken care of nitpicks, so I won't bother with that. However, one thing I will say is: the whole thing seemed slightly abrupt. It didn't give me quite enough time to fully comprehend what was going on and understand the characters before it ended. Also, it left me with many questions. Who is the narrator? God? An angel? The personification of death? Why was the mother so much more distressed than the father, so much so that she killed herself? Why didn't the father do anything to stop her? If it was my wife and she was putting a gun to her head, I'd tackle her myself before I'd let her pull that trigger. And why did she go to hell? We are given no reason to believe that she is deserving of such a fate; indeed, we are made to pity her, perhaps even more than we pity the dead child. Of course, it might very well be that you never intended to answer these questions, but a little more information and development couldn't hurt.

What a magnificently absurd way to put it -- and I don't mean that in a bad way. This is such a terrible thing for me to be reading on a day like this (Christmas) but it is just so ... wow. It puts everything into perspective. It breaks my heart -- the ending for the little boy.

The screen goes blank,
she had just pulled the trigger.

Now, I don't know much about poetry, but I think may be a bit of a mistake.

The screen goes blank;
She has just pulled the trigger.

“Has Mommy gone to Hell?”
Asks the boy.
I nod sadly.
tears run down his cheeks.

I think the only problem with this is the capitalization. Just tweak the 't' and make it a capital 'T'.

Now, other than that, this was ... wow. So sad ... But great job, really -- tapping into such emotions and everything.

ok maybe im gonna be a downer but i just do not see wwhat the rest of you see. poetry is not supposed to be blunt in my opinion. i mean of course there is streamlined poetry that works well but i do not think the meter was consistent and i fee like in a non ryhming poem there shoukd be a lot more sstructure. also i take issue with your idea that we live under a god that is soincaring he would send a depression stricken mother to hell for a moment of greif. you seem to have a flair for the dramatic but i was not crazy for this peice

Justagirl wrote:Suicide

I look at the small child before me,
diagnosed with cancer,
dead before his time had come.
He looks up at me,
“What happened?”

“You died,”
I answer calmly.
His brown eyes fill with tears,
“What about Mommy and Daddy?”
“Grieving for you.”
His mouth forms an “o”,
a tear slides down his small face.

I bring up a window to the world below,
“You can still see them.”
The boy watches his parents,
the slightly transparent screen showing them,
grieving for their lost child.

We can’t hear their words,
but his mother mouths,
“I can’t take it anymore.”

His father reaches towards her
understanding and horror on his face,
but he doesn’t stop her.

She picks up a gun, goes outside,
points it at her head.

The screen goes blank,
she had just pulled the trigger.

“Has Mommy gone to Hell?”
Asks the boy.
I nod sadly.
tears run down his cheeks.

I must admit, this poem did move me - as much as I pretend that it didn't, but I was a little bit curious as well as confused.

Yes, I understand it now, but although the little boy is said to already be dead, and then watched his mother commit suicide, the title seems off.

I truly enjoyed this however, and it really is a wonderful piece of writing.

I would read it often if I could.

This is just one of those works that just make you want to cry for the poor character. Very well written!