Cheated

Whipped this one up while I was cleaning . . .
Y'know... like how your supposed to be doing homework,
but you clean instead
(under an illusion that your doing a good deed)

hope ya like it


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I have trouble remembering,
every time that I cheat.
Every time that I lied,
and thought I was neat.

I have difficulty doing,
such simple tasks.
Like telling the truth,
without being asked.

I wish I was stronger,
to stand up for my sins.
To apologise sincerely,
and hopefully forgiven.

But how will I do this,
when they say, “You're the same”.
That despite all my efforts,
they think I won’t change.

Accepting this challenge,
I changed all my ways.
Always told the truth.
Did what my mum says.

Until the one morning,
she never came home.
The day he had taken her,
all for his own.

The drunk driver seems
to have taken the blame,
But I know the man
who caused all the pain.

If anything else,
I know it’s not fair.
Though I should’ve gone,
He just didn’t care.

So every now and then,
my mistakes I repeat.
Under an illusion,
that everyone cheats.

Spoiler

Be angry, even if for a short while. Doesn't matter if it's god, he can take it.

WOW! I love this poem. Keep writing!

anianaira wrote:I have trouble remembering
Every time that I cheat,
Every time that I lied,
And thought I was neat. This stanza confuses me grammatically. When I first read it, I stopped, and read it again, thinking that surely I missed something. I would suggest maybe trying to reword this stanza just a little bit. And don't forget punctuation!

I have difficulty doing
Such simple tasks
Like telling the truth
Without being asked. I like this stanza a lot. It's basicly just flat out saying you can't help lying. That just makes me smirk to myself.

I wish I was stronger
To stand up for my sins,
To apologize sincerely
And hopefully be? forgiven.

But how will I do this
When they say, “You're the same,”
That despite all my efforts
They think I won’t change.

Accepting this challenge
I changed all my ways.
Always told the truth.
Did what my mum says.

Until the one morning
She never came home.
The day He? had taken her
All for His? own.

The drunk driver seems
To have taken the blame,
But I know the man
Who caused all the pain,

If anything else
I know it’s not fair.
Though I should’ve gone,
He just didn’t care,

So every now and then
My mistakes I repeat
Under an illusion
That everyone cheats.

Question: At the end there, when you were saying "He", were you referring to God? If you were, just know that you need to remember to capitalize His name, even when using a pronoun. Other than that, I like this poem, but it still confuses me. Why would someone give up on religion when one of their family members dies by an accident? I don't know about you, but I would probably start embracing it more than pushing it away. But, that may just be me.

I really liked this poem. It's emotional.
I don't really get the first stanza though.
Other than that I thought it was great.

Everyone cheats.

This is catchy and had a nice tempo. At first, I admit, I thought the poem was silly and I have better things to do. And for thinking such thoughts I am sorry! This is a great poem, a real treat to read.

Well, TheWalkinDude took the nit pick review away from me... So I'll just give some impressions.

First, I liked it, there were parts where I was a little confused, but I liked it. You did well with the rhythm, I think you stretched a few rhymes, but nothing to bad. As WalkinDude pointed out, you have to have punctuation. One of my biggest pet peeves is a lot of poets think they can just write and not put punctuation in! A new line is not a break in the reading, a new stanza yes, but a new line no. For that reason you have to have commas and periods so that the reader doesn't have to read the whole thing without taking a breath.

Until the one morning
She never came home.
The day He had taken her
All for His own.

The drunk driver seems
To have taken the blame,
But I know the man
Who caused all the pain,

These were the two stanzas where one, I was shocked by the change, and two, I was really confused on that first one...
and then here.

If anything else
I know it’s not fair
Though I should’ve gone
He just didn’t care

Maybe I'm just stupid or something, but these confused me a bit. Anyways, it's good, take WalkinDude's advice, and yeah, keep writing!

-J.R.S.

The flow was difficult to catch every once in a while, and the emphasis you put on certain words stood more as blockers than open doors to a good flow, but I liked the idea and thought behind the words. The last stanza was a steal, very good wrap-up to a good piece. Keep writing!

Hey guys ^_^ thanx for replying!
First and foremost I know I have problems with "punctuality" 0///0"
and thank you for pointing my mistakes out, I honestly didn't realise they were there.

This poem is sort of an old one, that I tried to touch up one day.
i know it's an angry one, I wrote this poem with angry feelings.. It took years to clear those bitter thoughts.
So I can understand if you're all like "wth?"
but I still thought I'd put it up . . . T 3T

As for those confusing parts, yeah I'll try to fix those 0///0

Anywho, thanks guys! XD
I'll try to be more careful :3