We sit and drink

Can we fall in love this way?
The whiskey pours, we decide to stay.

We sit and drink
And stare
And view
Mumbled words are sacred and few.

You say how much you've missed my face.
I sip my drink,
a bitter taste.

The light in the room is soft and dim.
The fire it burns, but not within.

This poison, clouds my heart and mind.
I'm looking for reasons, but I can't seem to find
One to keep me to you.
If I can't find a reason, can you find an excuse?

A night between two old friends, we drank too much, you know how it ends.
I would fall into your bed and we'd both agree it went to our heads.

We sit and drink
And stare
And view
The vast space between me and you.

popatemyheart1994 wrote:Can we fall in love this way? I really like things that start off with a question. To me, it makes me think, "What can this mean? Why does the author want to include me?" Obviously, you're not including the author, but I still like the understood inner question at the beginning.
The whiskey pours, we decide to stay. I like the rhythm of this first stanza as well. It seems to fit well and flow without any confusion.

We sit and drink
And stare
And view
Mumbled words are sacred and few. I think it may be a good idea to change at the least this last line if not the whole stanza. It just seems a little forced to me. Other than that, I like how you made this stanza and the last match up.

You say how much you've missed my face.
I sip my drink,
a bitter taste. This is confusing to me as well, but not in a bad way. I just don't see why someone would just upright say they missed another's face. I mean, I guess this could be a sign of how much they've drank, but still it seems odd to me, like maybe you were just looking for rhyming words. Also, the last line, if I were you, I'd change the "a" to "In" or to "In a".

The light in the room is soft and dim.
The fire it burns, but not within. Again, another kind of confusing line. I may just be taking it too literally though and not figuratively. But I do like the contrasts and the setting up of the mood in this.

This poison, clouds my heart and mind. Maybe take off the comma? I think it kind of adds an unneeded pause.
I'm looking for reasons, but I can't seem to find
One to keep me to you. I think maybe it would be a good idea to break this line up into two separate lines. It just seems a little too long to fit the rhythm you've established here.
If I can't find a reason, can you find an excuse?

A night between two old friends, we drank too much, you know how it ends.
I would fall into your bed and we'd both agree it went to our heads. This is another that could maybe be either rewritten into two lines or cut to make four.

We sit and drink
And stare
And view
The vast space between me and you. Again I'm going to say that I like how you retold this stanza from before, but changed it some. It brings a kind of remembrance.

I really like the idea behind this poem. It's simply telling a tale of two old friends meeting up again and then...well, you know. It could be rewritten a little here and there, if maybe a little more was added to lengthen it, this would be a really great poem.

Good poem. Sorry I'm not very good at reveiwing work.

Hello there

I kind of liked the poem. The idea was well thought out and you managed to make it into words without it being completely disastrous. There were some high point in the poem like this part:

We sit and drink
And stare
And view
The vast space between me and you.

This had a really great flow and it is generally well written.

This poison, clouds my heart and mind.
I'm looking for reasons, but I can't seem to find

Maybe you should remove the "but". I guess the second line shows that you were trying to make it rhyme, which is commendable, but the line is out of place compared to the other ones.
Overall this was good. It's very difficult to come up with a poem that has consistent rhyming and rhythm and sounds good in the end. So good job.
Keep writing and good luck

I really liked this poem.
It was cool how it started out with a question, it really drew me in.
Also, for some reason I like how it is combining love and drinking.
I hope this helps I'm not so great at reviewing work.

I like your minimalist approach here. No unnecessary metaphors or purple language, just straight words, and it really works well. There's a lot of character packed into a small space.

I do think that some of your commas and line breaks are in the wrong places, which disturbs the flow. Most notably: "I'm looking for reasons, but I can't seem to find/One to keep me to you." The combination of the line break and capital O here combine to cut the link between the first and second part. I would move "One" up to the prior line. Also the comma in the line :"The poison, clouds my heart and mind." feels awkward.

I'm not sure how "The light in the room is soft and dim./The fire it burns, but not within." fits with the voice you've established. Reexamine this line.

Overall this is a good work. Very nice feel to it.