Thou Art a Memory to Cherish

I fell in love with a picture of you
Strands of hair befall your brow
And your eyes look upon another
'Tis a mystery; the person whom your eyes are set upon;
Moderate is your skin, toned and yet so pale
But you stand different today, a new person, polished and refined
Your lips, though, sing but there is no sound
You are only a memory, pigments of color that formed your perfect being in that moment
O save me from my thoughts!
For to dwell upon a portrait of someone who should one day be a man
Is something to cherish until the old consumes such youthfulness...
I will remember thy eyes whence the day comes
In the time that it shall wrinkle with age
Thou art a memory to cherish

"This poem is for Skyler Matson"

Righty-o.

Not enough punctuation! I say it to loads of people, and actually, yours it better than some, but still: the first three lines shouldn't all run together like that. After that, you go through a phase where it's a little better for a couple of lines, but you still don't have the stops needed at the end of some lines; then it all disappears again as it gets into the second half. You've obviously got some idea of the types of punctuation you can use, but you don't apply it consistantly or enough. Read it out loud, find out where the pauses are, and get some more in; possibly drop the elipse, as well - I think it detracts from the poem rather than adding to it.

Your meter seems... erratic. There are places where your line-length fits together well, and then there are times when you seem to have just written what you felt like. I know you're probably thinking 'that's the point of free verse,' but that doesn't mean you can get away with anything! If you're really going to be Shakespearean, for one thing, I would aim for something much more structured. If I were you, I would turn this into a Sonnet - not only would it force you to improve your meter and rhythm, it would make the old-style language seem much more appropriate.

Now, some of your lines are punching the bgb clicheometer right on the big red button: you opened with "I fell in love with a picture of you" and it made me wince. Just on a whim, I googled the exact line, and found: a novel by B.M. Bower, a poem by Katharina Franck, and another couple of random poems on other writing websites. The thing is, it's a line and an idea that's been used so much before. I'm not against you writing about falling in love with someone who isn't there (even though we've seen that before, too!) but that exact line is a bit worn out.
There are other examples, too - "save me from my thoughts" is old hat for experienced poetry readers; "Strands of hair befall your brow" - come on now, how many times have you read descriptions of people in books that talk about how their hair falls across their forehead too many; "your eyes look upon another" - tsk. That's practically angst.

Now, don't think I've got you down as bad at poetry, because that's absolutely not what I'm saying - on the contrary, your use of language and varied punctuation, some of the images you make up and above all your willingness to experiment with different styles (old-style language here, for example) all make me think 'skill and potential.' What you need to do is to tighten up your punctuation so it's consistant, work on your rhythm and meter a bit, and find some truly original material to write about. I'm confident in your ability to do all of that

Hope this helps, 'cause I'd love to see you improve into something absolutely exceptional.