-Age of Mentality- (Literary Journal Entry)

-Age of Mentality-

I am now free
Now yours
And only yours.
Please, take care of me.

Feed me and love me
And help me grow to see
How much of your love
That seems to come from above
Is just for me.

Your love has made my steps
Go from crawl to amble
And from a weak mumble
To a strong, thanking “Momma.”

You love me, Momma, right?
Even when I cause trouble
And make you shake from my plight,
Will your love still hold me tight?

Please, tell me, Momma,
Why are things this way?
Will your beauty ever go away?
Am I truly yours?
Are you truly mine?

I’ve grown, in mind and body.
Your love makes life never shoddy.
I love you, but please loosen your grasp.
Let me acquaint understanding’s clasp.

Everything has changed, Momma,
Why is this so?
I feel so alone
Even with you close
Whispering words of console.

Innocence, the word is meaningless.
New faces, new things held
By those crazed, convincing eyes
Please, Momma, ignore me.
My heart is filled with different cries.

My love is renewed
But no longer for you.
My life is now mine,
So now you’ll be left behind.

Momma, I hate you and your love.
You bid me nothing but change.
You beg me to live life from above
When all I want is to discover
The latest ways of climactic pleasure.

Never look for me, Momma,
Don’t even dare.
I’ll never show you love
Never show you I care
For behind my blue eyes
I’m no longer there.

My mind is not around.
My will is not sound.
I'm hurting, Momma,
Please, stop these pains,
End my life's ill-gains.

Time has passed along
With threads of discord so long.
My horrors are deserved.
Please, forgive me, Momma,
For my heart is forever gone.
Can you ever love me again?

I wasn’t alone in the beginning.
I thought alone in the middle,
But this was untrue.
I am not alone in the end,
Because Momma, with tear filled eye,
Will grow to see her young one die.

Momma, I am free.
Please, love me
Despite my old ways,
And be my loving Momma,
Forever and always.

*This is a poem I wrote. I dedicate it to my Mom. I love her very much, despite not showing it so often. I'm planning on submitting this to the Literary Journal of 2011 and hopefully I get accepted. Please, comment, rate my work, tell where I could improve. If you think some stanzas should be switched around, by all means, let me know. I'm still a little wary about the mid-ending. Also, I hope you enjoyed it.

Edited.

This was so touching- I'm in tears now after reading it and I don't usually cry from reading. I'm going to have to read more of your work! It was so easy to connect with it (even though the 'o' in Momma annoyed me, because in Australia, we use and 'a') and I'm jealous that you wrote it because I'd be proud to call that mine. Keep on writing!

MissMadHatter

Hey

First of all, this poem is...well, emotionally wrenching. I just hope that my relationship with my mom never changes...

Here are some corrections/comments/suggestions

I am now free
Now yours
And only yours.

How can you be free and yet belong to someone?

You love me, Momma, right?
Even when I cause trouble
And make you shake from my plight

I can see that you want the rhyme scheme to stay, but it's kind of weird when you use "right", "Momma", "trouble", and then suddenly "plight". Do you know what I mean?

Please, tell me, Momma,
Why are things this way?
Will your love ever go away?
Am I truly yours?
Are you truly mine?

This stanza confuses me. A little kid wouldn't question his love for his mom. Besides, I don't truly believe that any moms (or at least decent ones) ever stop loving their kids. It's kind of impossible, you know?

Let me acquaint understanding’s clasp.

Huh? Or is it just me?

Whispering words of console.

It's actually consolation. But if you change it to that, then the whole stanza and its rhythm is shattered... I can't think of a different word that could do, sorry.

Innocence, the word is meaningless.
New faces, new things held
By those crazed, convincing eyes
Please, Momma, ignore me.
My heart is filled with different cries.

I love this stanza. It's so spooky and sad to me. *shivers*

My mind is not around.
My will is not sound.
I'm hurting, Momma,

The child has given up on ignoring his mother...this stanza is so sad!

My misgivings are deserved.

Wrong use of the word misgivings. If you truly meant what you wrote, you would mean that you were right all along in not trusting your mother.

I wasn’t alone in the beginning.
I thought alone in the middle,
But this was untrue.
I am not alone in the end,
Because Momma, with tear filled eye,
Will grow to see her young one die.

this stanza made me go "huh?" OH I get it now. Except for the dying part. Why would the child die before the mother?




Overall, great poem. Good luck! Thank you.

Okay, first off, thanks you two for the reviews. They really mean a lot to me, especially since this poem really means a lot to me. Second, based off what you two said, I edited this poem and fixed it up some. I really hope it's better now and that It is worth being in the YWS Literary Journal.