Covered By Him

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She sits,
Stiffened in fear,
Guarding what's left of her heart,
Holding herself together,
Before she falls apart.

She hides her face from those watching,
She hide herself from those here,
She stays locked away,
Even though no one can come near.

She cut herself off,
and cast everyone out,
She is alone,
And will never come about.
.....
He stands,
Guarding her heart,
Covering her with all that he has,
Holy feathers adorn his wings,
And so his wings clothe her,
Keeping her away from her hurt,
Sheltering her.
He needs to be close,
Needs to touch but no longer can.
He is broken just as she,
He is broken as long as she,
He will see to it that she is healed,
But until then he will cover her,
Be her protection,
And watch over her as she cries.

(This is pretty much two poems together, that's why the scheme changes. I'm not sure on some of the words on the top half, So if you have any suggestions for it, I would be forever grateful! Review brutally :) Thanks!)
The only constant in our lives is Change.

Revelations 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eye. There will be no more mourning or death or pain. There will be no more crying for the old way of things has gone away.




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Points 899
Reviews 26
XChangeX wrote:She sits,
Stiffened in fear
Guarding what's left of her heart
Holding herself together
Before she falls apart.

She hides her face from those watching
She hides herself from those here
She stays locked away
Even though no one can come near.

She cuts herself off
and casts everyone out
She is alone
And will never come about. (this is my favorite stanza, I don't know why, but it sounds the best.)
.....(these are the only three dots in the poem, do you want them?) ( As I kept reading, I noticed after these three dots, it stopped rhyming. I'm guessing that's on purpose, but it sounds wrong to me.) (whoops, got to the end, realize what's going on now.)
He stands
Guarding her heart
Covering her with all that he has
Holy feathers adorn his wings
And so his wings clothe her
Keeping her away from her hurt(this doesn't sound very good, too many H's)
Sheltering her.

He needs to be close
Needs to touch but no longer can.
He is broken just as she
He is broken as long as she
He will see to it that she is healed,
But until then he will cover her
Be her protection
And watch over her as she cries.

I like the first part more than the second. It's very good poetry that for the most part flows smoothly. Hope I helped, probably didn't. . .

(This is pretty much two poems together, that's why the scheme changes. I'm not sure on some of the words on the top half, So if you have any suggestions for it, I would be forever grateful! Review brutally :) Thanks!)
If it ain't broke, don't fix it.




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I think the two poems combined works great. First it describes a girl, then she's being protected. It's very sweet. There are a few jarring lines here and there, such as "She stays locked away, Even though no one can come near" that sound a little bit awkward. Overall though, the poem doesn't really seem to take the reader anywhere- perhaps if there was some reason for her suffering that we could relate to, the poem would become even more profound.
I can take criticism! The more help you can give someone, the better.




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Awesome poem!! I love it. It almost reminds me of a book series that I love. You did really well!!

Keep writing!
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~




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I really love this poem! I think that the first poem what better than the second, though. The rhythm was smooth, it was in stanzas, and it was a breeze to read. The second was mushed together and the rhythm got lost a few times. Aside from that, it was a very romantic poem :)
~Lena~




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He is an angel to her, someone that that passed away. Someone she loved. That's why he has ho'holy feathers adorne his wings' . Its kind of cryptic, I know but that's just how it came out. Ill have to revise the second part, the first paert was rewritten but I just couit was hard for me to rewrite the second, I know how I feel and I am the girl, but I I don't know how he feels, I guess I never really will... sorry for the typos, I'm on my phone and for some reason it won't let me go back...
The only constant in our lives is Change.

Revelations 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eye. There will be no more mourning or death or pain. There will be no more crying for the old way of things has gone away.




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Points 1040
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This was a great poem :D

This poem really reached out to me, your word choice was exquisite
There wasn't much to correct, so a very good job :)

-sachipachi1




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That was soooo beautiful.
Hey!
I found it very touching and very sweet.
I would like to know your inspiration for this!
Your writing is very captivating and very creative.
I hope to seem more like this from you!
Again, I loved it!
Thanks for posting it!
If you prick us, shall we not bleed?
If you tickle us, shall we not laugh?
If you poison us, shall we not die?
If you wrong us, shall we not revenge?
The Merchants of Venice-Shakespear
Love the life u live,
and live the life u love




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A really good friend and my first love passed away suddenly from an unknown brain tumor last May, 11 days after his 18th birthday. I was getting a memorial tattoo for him drawn and the guy drawing it asked me to write about the tattoo like I was writing a poem, he didn't know I was a writer at the time, but this is what I came up with. The first part is about me, and the second is from his perspective, but I could never say its how he feels, only he could do that.
thanks for all your praise and tips :)
The only constant in our lives is Change.

Revelations 21:4
He will wipe every tear from their eye. There will be no more mourning or death or pain. There will be no more crying for the old way of things has gone away.




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1252
Reviews 8
Its a good poem, I like the image throughout. I also like the rhyming, and how you end the poem (the last stanza)



If you don't know it's impossible it's easier to do. And because nobody's done it before, they haven't made up rules to stop anyone doing that again, yet.
— Neil Gaiman