Be careful what you wish for

As I stare into my mirror, studying myself, I noticed dark bags under my bright green eyes. Bags caused from lack of sleep. They were also red and puffy, from crying three days straight. Not able to look at my eyes anymore I turned my attention to my hair. It too was something hard to look at. I had it up the past three days and it got all messed up due to me tossing and turning in hope of sleep. Shaking my head I looked away from the mirror. I splashed cold water on my face and roughly brushed through my thick, brown, straight hair.

I left the bathroom when I was satisfied that I looked somewhat presentable. Now to change, I think as I sigh to myself. I headed into my bedroom to my walk-in closet. About after ten minutes of searching through my closet I found what I was looking for. I took out my long black, spaghetti strap dress that hung straight down my slender figure. It was plain, but elegant. My mom had gotten it for me for my sixteenth birthday a couple months ago. It is appropriate for this event. I decided to go without makeup, Dad said I looked prettier without it, he said I looked like mom. Today was their day; I'd do what they want.

My little brother Eric was already dressed when I got down stairs. My aunt Ava had dressed him in the suit Dad got him last year. No one said anything as we drove to our family church. Eric began crying as we entered the church and sat in front of the coffins that our parents laid in. I held back my tears, trying to be strong for Eric, for my parents.
The pastor said a lot of good things about them. They were respectful things of course. Some would say they came right from the heart. But I could tell they were the same old, overly rehearsed lines said at any funeral. To me it wasn't just any funeral; it was my parent's funeral.

Aunt Ava took mine and Eric's hand as we walked behind the six men carrying our parent's caskets. I guess six was the key number at funerals. Six men, six feet under, get it? To me it's sickening to see people who barely liked my parents pay their respects. I feel the same about the women who get all dressed up in their pearls and fancy hats. I guess it's pretty hard to impress the dead huh? I on the other hand said nothing.
What are you supposed to say at your parent's funeral? How are you supposed to act? They died unexpectedly in a plane crash on the way back from their second honeymoon. What would you feel if the last words you said to them were "I hate you and I never want to see you again?"

What is that old saying? Right "Be careful what you wish for."

Those words rang truer than you may have thought.

Bold letters= edits
Purple= comments

AngelMarie wrote:As i stare into my mirror, studing myself, I notice dark bags under my bright green eyes. Bags caused from lack of sleep. they were also red and puffy, from crying three days straight. Not able to look at my eyes anymore, i turned my attention to my hair. It too was something hard to look at. I had it up for the past three days and it got all messed up due to tossing and turning in hope of sleep.( This sounds awkward, consider rewriting this.) shaking my head, I looked away from the mirror. I splashed cold water on my face and roughly brushed through my thick brown hair. Explain what her hairs like, I.E. frizzy, smooth, curly.


I left the bathroom when i was satisfied that i looked somewhat presentable. Now to change, sigh.(state this as her thoughts instead of with the rest of the piece. I headed into my bedroom to my walk-in closet. About after ten minutes of searching through my closet I found what i was looking for, my long black, spaghetti strap dress that hung striaght down my slender figure. It was plain, but elegant. My mom had gotten it for me for my sixteenth birthday a couple months ago. It's appropiate for this event. I decided to go without makeup, Dad said I looked prettier without it, he said I looked like mom. today was their day, i'd do whatever they want.

My little brother Eric was already dressed when I got down stairs. My aunt Ava had dressed him in the suit my (consider switching with our, or simply leave this word out.dad got him last year. No one said anything as we drove to our family church. Eric began crying as we entered the church and sat in front of the coffins that our parents laid in. I held back my tears, trying to be strong for Eric, for my parents.

The pastor said a lot of good things about them. A lot of respectful things of course. Some would say they came right from the heart. But I could tell they were the same old, overly rehearsed lines said at any funeral. To me it wasn't just any funeral, it was my parent's funeral.

Aunt Ava took mine and Eric's( eric and my, I think would be right, not sure.) hand as we walked behind the six men carrying our parent's caskets. I guess six was the key number at funerals. Six men, six feet under, get it? To me it's sickening to see people who barely liked my parents pay their respects. I feel the same about the women who get all dressed up in their pearls and fancy hats. I guess it's pretty hard to impress the dead, huh? I on the other hand said nothing.

What are you susposed to say at your parent's funeral? How ae you supposed to act? They died unexpectly in a plane crash on the way back from their second honeymoon. What would you feel if the last words you said to them were "I hate you and I never want to see you again?"

what is that old saying? right "Be careful what you wish for."

Those words rang truer than you may have thought.

The ending was much better than the beginning. In the beginning, thy switching sentence structures around a bit.instead of, I got up and looked at my hair, for example, you could say, As I woke up I checked my hair. Even just little changes like that can make it sound better. You had some grammar mistakes, but I think I showed you most of them. I suggest showing a bit more of how the girl feels. You did, but maybe you could add an enpty hole in her heart, tears threatening to fall, something like that.

Hello, there, AngelMarie! I hope your holidays are going well. Alright, on to the actual review now. Please be aware that corrections will be in red!

AngelMarie wrote:As I stare into my mirror, studding myself, I noticed dark bags under my bright green eyes.

Uh-oh! There's a few issues with this sentence. First of all, "studding myself," should probably be "studying myself," unless you meant to say she was, I don't know, applying studs to herself? There is also some present tense/past tense confusion here. "As I stare..." and "I noticed" do not exactly match up, tense-wise. Stare is present tense, noticed is past. Either go with one tense or the other, so as to avoid confusion. Also, if you are going to say she has dark bags underneath her eyes, do not say her eyes are bright. Say, "I noticed dark bags under my usually bright green eyes."

AngelMarie wrote:Shaking my head, I looked away from the mirror. I splashed cold water on my face and roughly brushed through my thick, brown, straight hair.

Forgot a comma there, but don't worry, I added it in for you.

AngelMarie wrote:About after ten minutes of searching through my closet I found what I was looking for.

I think this would sound better if you said, "After about ten minutes..." instead of "About after..."

AngelMarie wrote:I took out my long, black, spaghetti-strap dress, that hung straight down my slender figure. It was plain, but elegant. My mom had gotten it for me for my sixteenth birthday a couple months ago. It is appropriate for this event.

Missed a comma.

AngelMarie wrote:I decided to go without makeup; Dad had said I looked prettier without it, and that I looked like mom. Today was their day, so I'd do what they want.

Just a few added words here and there to flesh these sentences out. Also, do not forget to capitalize at the beginning of a new sentence.

AngelMarie wrote: I held back my tears, trying to be strong for Eric, and for my parents.

I think the added "and" makes it sound a bit better, don't you?

AngelMarie wrote:I, on the other hand, said nothing.

Don't forget to edit your own stories for missing commas! It happens to be of my pet peeves.

AngelMarie wrote:They died unexpectedly in a plane crash on the way back from their second honeymoon. What would you feel if the last words you said to them were: "I hate you and I never want to see you again?"

Just a few punctuation and capitalization mistakes I fixed, here.

AngelMarie wrote:What is that old saying? Right, "Be careful what you wish for."

Those words rang truer than you may have thought.

Do not, and I repeat, do not forget to capitalize at the beginning of every single (yes, every one!) new sentence.

Overall
Though the whole "my parents are dead" fiasco is a bit overdone, I think you pulled it off in an almost unique way. This girl must feel terrible for saying those last words to her parents, and I shall find it interesting to read more (if you write more) about how this effects the rest of her life as a teenage girl. Will she become a drug addict from all the pain? Will she commit suicide? Will she become a committed family member and be helpful and kind toward her brother? You have a lot of options to go with.

However, you do have some issues you need to sort out. You often forgot to capitalize at the beginning of a new sentence, which was a bit annoying, but nothing too hard to fix! Also, watch your punctuation! I find it hard to read a story, even published novels, that has bad punctuation. It's a 'turn off' for me, as a reader.

Anyways, I hope this review helps and if you need any further help, or have any questions, please feel free to message me. I will happily respond.

Have a g'day,
Mizz

Double posted.

Thanks guys! This really helps a lot!

I think you need to put a bit more emotion into it. It seems a bit superficial. Get into your MC, and feel as though you have just lost your parents. Both of them.
It was good though.
Loved the ending.
Keep writing! PM me if you need anything more.
Born.

Hey Angel.

I'm here to review as requested! You've got some nice reviews already, so hopefully, I'll be able to give you a critique on something that hasn't already been mentioned. That is, unless I think it's necessary.

Because I'm a bit of a freak, I like depressing stories. Keeping that in mind, that fact has made me like this more probably. I think that you have good content here, even if it is a little cliche and overdone. You often read stories about parents dying and what not, so this isn't really anything new. I do think that there were some parts of this that were really nice though, Angel. Well done for that.

My main critique for this right now is that I think you need more emotions. Clearly, this is a very emotional situation, so you need to make sure it's jam packed with emotions. So far, you're giving us the details, but you're not really having your character feeling the emotions that much. I think that the problem is that you're edging on telling rather than showing. For example, you're telling us that she's sad and whatnot, but you're not really showing us that. How does she feel when she's in the funeral? Is her heart beating manically out of her chest, or is it as still as stone?

Keeping that critique in mind, another good way of showing emotions is by using descriptions. You do have some good descriptions - at the start, for example - but I'd like to see some more. You have plenty of descriptions about what can be seen, but you aren't describing the other senses much or your MC's feelings. Even if it means getting a bit melodramatic, I want to see you really enhancing the descriptions, especially on her emotions. If things to get too melodramatic, you can always tone them down when it comes to editing the piece, so it wouldn't be a problem.

The only other critique I have for you sort of connects to the other two. Right now, it feels as though the pace of your story is a little fast. It's like at the beginning, your MC is preparing for the funeral, the next minute, she's there.Try and slow thigns down a bit. A good way of doing this is by doing what I've suggested above. By adding in more descriptions, it lenghtens the piece and often slows the pace down. Another good way to slow things down is by simply adding in more details where you can.

You've got the foundation of a great story here, Angel. If you take into account what us reviewers have said, and edit this up a bit, I think that this could be a really great piece of writing. If you have any questions about this review or anything, just let me know. I'll be happy to answer them for you!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

I agree the " OMG my parents are dead " is a bit over done but you pulled it off well...after reading this i wanted to go read a happy story so i can feel better about my self lol um maybe you should make a whole novel out of this? just a suggestion. Then again more material to make a complete novel would be pretty difficult to come by considering that there are many stories like this. Also a few of your other submissions of yours are of the same theme so you'd sound repetitive..but still good work keep it up