Young Writers Society

As with pretty much all my poetry, this is one shot straight out the top. Enjoy!

Sometimes I wonder
Thoughts like big rolling thunder
Hard to silence
Like revolutionary violence
Hard to ignore
Like water on the shore
My thoughts splash all around
Echoing sounds
In my mind
And the diamonds in the mines
Are the realizations
Like civilizations
Coming together as one
Peace under the sun
Until there’s a riot
And I can’t keep quiet
I scream to the loudest decibel
Like roller coasters at a festival
I spin and I turn
In my stomach I churn
Wanting to get off
But the ride never stops
Because the brakes are jammed
And my mind is crammed…
With you.
Never mind I think I’ll keep going
Drunk on the chemistry flowing
Between you and me
Becoming one like two drops in the sea
Like the clouds and the rain
I’m relieved of the strain
I’m white as a sheet
Where our colors will meet
Indigo and blue
Let’s stay true…
To ourselves
By staying true to ourselves we stay true to each other
That’s all we need while we’re under the covers
Warm.
I work my charm
You light that smile
Let’s just lay for a while
Shhhhhhhh
Give me a kiss
Just you and I
As the world passes by

Hi there,
You have so many different images in here! Poetry lives off of imagery, so good job! My only complaint about the imagery is that you use "like" too much. For instance, instead of saying "I scream to the loudest decibel / Like roller coasters at a festival," you can say "as if on a roller coaster at the festival," or instead of "Hard to ignore / Like water on the shore" you can say "As water creeps in on the shore." That way, your poem will have more variety in description. Try to incorporate more metaphor instead of straight simile, too.

My second suggestion in punctuation. You use line breaks effectively, but some punctuation is still needed to help give the poem direction. The ideas flow well enough on their own, but punctuation will lock them ideas into place and help the reader stay on track. That being said, I'm not a huge fan of the ellipses you used in these two places:

And my mind is crammed…
With you.

[quote Let’s stay true…
To ourselves
][/quote]

I think it would be more effective in these two instances to have NO punctuation between the lines. That way, the second line stands out more. It's more of a punch instead of a floaty thought that you caught after going fishing with ellipses, if that makes sense.

All in all, this is a great start. The images are top notch; just make them stand out more with a variety of lit devices. Also, punctuation will be the polish of this piece. Thanks for sharing this poem! Happy writing, and let me know if you have any questions!

I like the poem, the use of imagery was very well done, but your execution could be a bit more polished. By that I mean that you try to keep a sustained rhyme pattern,but often times its rough.

Sometimes I wonder
Thoughts like big rolling thunder
Hard to silence
Like revolutionary violence
Hard to ignore
Like water on the shore
My thoughts splash all around
Echoing sounds
In my mind
And the diamonds in the mines
Are the realizations
Like civilizations
Coming together as one
Peace under the sun
Until there’s a riot
And I can’t keep quiet
I scream to the loudest decibel
Like roller coasters at a festival
I spin and I turn
In my stomach I churn
Wanting to get off
But the ride never stops
Because the brakes are jammed
And my mind is crammed…
With you.
Never mind I think I’ll keep going
Drunk on the chemistry flowing
Between you and me
Becoming one like two drops in the sea
Like the clouds and the rain
I’m relieved of the strain
I’m white as a sheet
Where our colors will meet
Indigo and blue
Let’s stay true…
To ourselves
By staying true to ourselves we stay true to each other
That’s all we need while we’re under the covers
Warm.
I work my charm Now thats fine, because its eye rhyme.
You light that smile
Let’s just lay for a while
Shhhhhhhh
Give me a kiss you might like to ad something just to make it seem more complete.
Just you and I
As the world passes by

Good luck on your future writing.