Child-34... Part one

I never knew my parents. But I reckon they were real idiots!
They got rid of me at the first chance they could, I was only a few days old when they did.

The hall was silent and dark. We all sat at the long table that stretched from one side of the hall to the other.We slurped at our porridge, not daring to make a sound. Mrs Taylor voice echoed between the walls...
"Child- 29."
"Here."
"Child-30." I don't understand why we do the role. Surely she knows that we're all here, where else would we be?
"Child-33."
"Here."
"Child-34."
"Here." I sighed tapping my spoon gently on the side of the bowl.
"Child-35." Mrs Taylor continued.
Staring at the girl on the other side of the table. Her beautiful, blonde hair bowed across her face, her eyes sparkled blue, and she didn't seem out of place or sad at all. She responded when Miss Taylor called "Child 09".
Her voice was soft a delicate, it seemed to ring through your ears whenever she opened her mouth. She would send you into a daydream, and set your entire world on fire. Suddenly everyone stood up and hurried out and into the corridors. I followed until we reached the boys chamber. I sat on my bed a watched all of the nonsense that went on around me. I watched George and James tackling and throwing each other onto beds. James once told me that George was his cousin, but I could help but wonder how he could possibly know that. (James only came here one year after me and George just came two years ago) I could see Callum enter the chamber and close the door slowly behind him. I could see Edmund, Kyle and Henry sitting on the end of Kyle's bed and talking.
I watched as Liam ran up to me. "Hello" He smiled. Liam has a sort of uneven smile; one lip is bigger than the other, and his teeth are chipped and stained.
"Hi" I didn't feel like talking.
"Guess what..." He couldn't help but laugh a little.
I rolled my eyes. "...What?"
"I'm gonna be adopted!"
I gasped. "WHAT?" Who would want to adopt Liam? "...How do you know?"
"Mrs. Taylor told me!"
"Well, how does she know?"
Liam shrugged. "Maybe someone told her or something." I still didn't understand. Liam smiled again and then ran off to tell the others.
I lay down and let my head sink down into my pillow. "Will I ever get adopted?" I wondered. "Of course not! Who would ever want to adopt me?" I closed my eyes.
After what felt like hours, someone finally woke me up. It was Hamish. He grabbed my shoulder and shook me until I opened my eyes. "...Get up!" He seemed in a hurry. "...Liam's leaving!"
"Already?"
"Yes... come on!" I followed him out into the corridor. Everyone was there, even the girls and... 'Child- 09' I didn't know her real name, but I wanted to!
The words; 'Good Bye' echoed through the corridor as Liam and Mrs. Taylor disappeared through a great metal door. We were never allowed to go through that door, only the children who had been adopted were allowed. Mrs. Taylor usually locked the door behind them, but not this time! She didn't even close the door properly, there was still a small gap just big enough to see through.
I looked over my shoulder to see if anyone else was here. As I thought: everyone had gone back to their chambers. I stepped forward and lined one of my eyes up against door so I could see everything that was going on.
There was a table in the middle of the room with a chair of either side. Mrs. Taylor gestured for Liam to sit down.
"Do you know why you're here, Child-14?"
Liam smiled. "I'm going to be adopted!"
Mrs. Taylor smiled without giving Liam a clear response. "Take off your robe!" Liam seemed shocked, but he still did so. Liam was completely naked. Mrs. Taylor took his robe, folded neatly and place in the corner. "Now, drink this!" She passed him a plastic cup filled with a mysterious black liquid.
"What is it?" Liam asked trying not to be rude.
Mrs. Taylor smiled. "...Juice!" Liam gulped and placed the cup against his lips, within a few seconds the liquid was gone. He placed the empty cup onto the table. Mrs. Taylor smiled, and lead him to another metal door. Liam wondered inside as Mrs. Taylor suddenly slammed the door closed and locked it!
This gave me a fright. She quickly realised that the door that I was looking through wasn't closed properly, and she began to rush towards me.
I decided that this was my queue to leave. I rushed down toward the boys chamber, but it was too late.
"Child-34, what are you doing?" She cried.
"I-I-I... I just needed to go to the toilet!"
I could tell that she didn't believe me, and I didn't blame her! "Come with me!" She walk back into the room expecting me to follow, I had no choice but to do so. My heart was pounding... was she going to make me take off my robe in front from of her? Will she make me drink that Black liquid? Will she lock me on that room? I didn't know what was going to happen. Mrs. Taylor made sure that she locked the door this time. I sat down on one of the chairs as she poured the black liquid into another plastic cup. "Take off your robe!" She ordered. I'd heard Mrs. Taylor yell before, but never like this. Her voice was cold and crisp. My eyes were filling with tears by now, I was terrified. I pulled the robe over my head and passed it to Mrs. Taylor. "Drink this!" I didn't bother to ask what is was. It smelled horrible! As she turned to put my robe in the corner next to Liams I quickly picked up Liams empty cup and swapped it with my one. When Mrs. Taylor turned around to look at me she signaled me to put the cup on the table and walk into the other room. She slammed the door closed behind me. I was trapped!
I gazed around the room. It was cold and had no windows, the was water dripping down the metal walls. The room smelt even worse than the black liquid... and the I noticed... all of the naked, dead bodies sped out across the floor. Mathew, Thomas, Ryan, Jack... all of the children who said that they were being adopted... were dead! And then I was Liam.
I knelt down on the freezing, metal ground beside him and placed my finger tips across his chest. He was warm, and breathing ever so slightly. He was almost dead!
The black liquid... it was poison!


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I would have been more descriptive about the bodies, but they were naked and this is only rated 12+ and if I rated it any higher then I wouldn't be able to read it! PLEASE REVIEW!!! Part two will be submitted soon(ish)!!!

Hmm... interesting....

Well, okay, this is where I stand:

I really liked the atmosphere at the begining. A boy named child-34? That was all quite interesting.

However, it's sort of like... not much really happens. You're introduced to this really strict orphanage-foster home type thing, then some old woman comes and adopts the main character, who, for whatever reason has no name other then his number, and a little girl named Emily... and that's fine if it's, like, the first chapter of a story, but that's the entire story? Not much of a plot... Maybe you meant for it only to be a chapter, however, you didn't call it Child-34 Chapter One or anything, so I'm just assuming...

I think Child-34 should express more frustration at the orphanage, at Mrs. Taylor, at his parents... I don't know, I just feel this could be a really emotional peice...

Also, try describing Emily and the old woman who adopted them more... I didn't get much from either of them at all.

Overall, it wasn't so bad... especially considering you're only twelve. Trust me, most twelve year olds don't have this much voice, so congrats on that, but it did move pretty fast... add more description and slow it down some.

Try building more on this story... or do something different with the same concept because I do like the idea.

Question: Were the boys all even numbers and the girls odd? Or was that just a coincidence?

--
TabbyGirl

The beginning of this reminded me of Philip Larkin's poem, "This Be The Verse", which begins "They fuck you up, your mum and dad." Now onto the critique:

"They got rid of me at the first chance they could. I was only a few years old when they did. They dumped me at Mrs Taylor's doorstep and ditched. I've been here for almost my whole life, and never left. "

Suggested change: "I was only a few years old when they dumped me at Mrs Taylor's doorstep and ditched."

""Child-30." I don't understand why we do the role. We all know that we're all here, where else would we be?"

Honestly, I'd take out Child-30's line, as it detracts from the importance of Child-34's line, as the piece is about them.

""Child-34." She called. I looked at her as she signaled for me to come to her."

Don't think you need the line "I looked at her", the fact the narrator recognises she signalled implies that the character looked at her.

"How only are you?"
I think this is meant to be "how old are you?"

"We reshed beck to our rooms and racked our gear."
Is reshed meant to be rushed?

It seemed like the ending was kind of rushed, especially seeing as the ophanage itself with all the no named children seemed a bit like an intistutionalised Annie, which could have been great to go into in more detail. There's not that much description of the mother and I was surprised when you began to paint a picture of a boy who was neglected by his parents, left unnamed and in the care of someone who doesn't seem to have the time to give him much attention; yet when he met his new adoptive mother there was no suspicion, paranoia or any hostility towards her. I think if you identify your characters more and spend some more time on the ending then this could have some great potential! Keep working on it

This seems like a very cool start to a nice story, I've always liked the stories where there is an orderly and sometimes fascist system in place that the main character that may have to push through or tear down, I don't know which way this is going but whatever way it does, it's going to be very good!

Spelling: Needs a little worke, just some small things, "Reshed" "How only are you?", things like that.

Atmosphere: A good atmosphere but needs more detail, like what the orphanage is called.

Story: small plot nuances, like when the main character is adopted. I don't think ANY orphanage let's someone walk in and say "I'll take those two" without some paperwork.

Characters: I'd say it needs a little work, like Mrs. Taylor. if the Protagonist has been there all his life, shouldn't he know some things about her? and if he does, why not elaborate? is she nice? is she cruel? how does the main character feel towards Mrs. Taylor? Does he look up to her? Does he dislike her? things like that make excellant stories.

Overall I think that this could blossom into a beautiful tale about whatever you want it to be, you just need to polish it a bit.

This is ok... It would be better with more emotion... I think.. I can't put my finger on what would make it better. Oh well.

Keep writing,
Alzora

Hi!
I really like you way of writing. I think that the whole I-don't-have-a-name-just-a-number thing is very creative.
I really don't care much for punctuation or grammar, as long as I can read it, I'm fine with it.
So I won't be reviewing your misspellings.
Again, I really enjoyed it and hope to read more of this from you!

I never knew my parents. But I reckon they were real idiots!

They got rid of me at the first chance they could. I was only a few years old when they did. They dumped me at Mrs Taylor's doorstep and ditched. I've been here for almost my whole life, and never left.

03.06.2010

The hall was silent. We all sat at the table slurping our porridge, not daring to make a sound. Mrs Taylor was taking the role as we ate.

"Child- 29."

"Here."

"Child-30." I don't understand why we do the role. We all know that we're all here, where else would we be? Maybe some ran away how do you know exactly that they are all there??"Child-33."

"Here."

"Child-34."

"Here." I sighed tapping my spoon gently on the side of the bowl.

"Child-35." Mrs Taylor continued.

The rest of the morning went slow while Mrs Taylor read what remained of the role. Once she was finally finished, we all gathered in the bedrooms and went on with our business. I lay down on my mattress and closed my eyes. I was only there for a few seconds when the door flew open. It was Mrs Taylor, except she had someone with her. It was an old lady. She was quite tall and had a light pair of spectacles sitting at the end of her nose. Her long grey hair was tied up in a bun at the back of her head, and her her eyes were dark and bloodshot. I like this but what colour are her eyes?? "This is the boys bedroom." Mrs Taylor explained to the lady. Huh were did the lady come from, maybe say the door bell rang and Mrs Taylor ran to the door and you over heard her talking to this women??? Just a suggestion.
The lady nodded and then pointed at one of the boys at the other side of the room. 'What's his name?" She asked.

"That's Child-18." Mrs Taylor said looking through her administration book. "It say's he's 8 years old and his name is Thomas Barker."

The lady stared around the room and then pointed at me. "Who's he?" She wondered.

"That is Child-34." Mrs Taylor explained. "He is 13 years old and he doesn't have a name."

"No name?" The lady sounded shocked.

Mrs Taylor sighed trying to change the subject. "And through here is the girls bedroom."

The lady followed her out and let the door slam behind them. I sighed in relief. I'm glad she didn't come and talk to me. I don't like talking to strangers, I can never stay calm.

After a while Mrs Taylor came back in. "Child-34." She called. I looked at her as she signaled for me to come to her.

I followed he out of the room unsurely. We wondered into the hall to meet the lady and to my surprise there was a girl with her. I recognised her as Child-29 but I didn't know her real name. She had long blonde hair that ran down to her shoulders, and bright blue eyes. She wore rags (Just like all the other children), but hers were colourful. You could tell that she looked after them very carefully. Good!!!"This is Mrs Smith!" Mrs Taylor told us. "She has come to adopt a child."

Child 29 gasped exitedly.

"She is going to ask you a couple of questions, and then decide who she woulod like to take home." mrs Taylor explained.

I swore a few curses in my mind, and waited for her first question.

Mrs Smith looked at Child 29. "What's your name?"

"Emily." She replied.

"How old are you?"

"12. I turn 13 in August." She smiled kindly.

Then Mrs Smith turned to me. "You don't have a name, do you?"

I shook my head.

She sighed. "You seem very polite!"

I smiled.

Mrs Smith stared deeply into my eyes. "I'm sorry!" She whispered. "I didn'yt know that the life of an orphan could be so miserable."

I Shrugged. "It's okay... I guess... At least we have a place to call home!"

"Yes." She argreed. Mrs Smith turned to Miss Taylor. "May I come back some time? It's too hard to decide now!"

"Of course!" Miss Taylor smiled, and guided her out.

'That's what they always say!' Ithought. 'They always say that and then come back!'

The End!

i liked this really good, are you going to write part two or are you going to leave it? Make sure you post me when you have wrote it i want to read more :) Some things could be added and taken out couple of mistakes but seriously keep writtin

I never knew my parents. But I reckon they were real idiots!

They got rid of me at the first chance they could. I was only a few years old when they did. They dumped me at Mrs Taylor's doorstep and ditched. I've been here for almost my whole life, and never left.

03.06.2010

The hall was silent. We all sat at the table slurping our porridge, not daring to make a sound. Mrs Taylor was taking the role as we ate.

"Child- 29."

"Here."

"Child-30." I don't understand why we do the role. We all know that we're all here, where else would we be? Maybe some ran away how do you know exactly that they are all there??"Child-33."

"Here."

"Child-34."

"Here." I sighed tapping my spoon gently on the side of the bowl.

"Child-35." Mrs Taylor continued.

The rest of the morning went slow while Mrs Taylor read what remained of the role. Once she was finally finished, we all gathered in the bedrooms and went on with our business. I lay down on my mattress and closed my eyes. I was only there for a few seconds when the door flew open. It was Mrs Taylor, except she had someone with her. It was an old lady. She was quite tall and had a light pair of spectacles sitting at the end of her nose. Her long grey hair was tied up in a bun at the back of her head, and her her eyes were dark and bloodshot. I like this but what colour are her eyes?? "This is the boys bedroom." Mrs Taylor explained to the lady. Huh were did the lady come from, maybe say the door bell rang and Mrs Taylor ran to the door and you over heard her talking to this women??? Just a suggestion.
The lady nodded and then pointed at one of the boys at the other side of the room. 'What's his name?" She asked.

"That's Child-18." Mrs Taylor said looking through her administration book. "It say's he's 8 years old and his name is Thomas Barker."

The lady stared around the room and then pointed at me. "Who's he?" She wondered.

"That is Child-34." Mrs Taylor explained. "He is 13 years old and he doesn't have a name."

"No name?" The lady sounded shocked.

Mrs Taylor sighed trying to change the subject. "And through here is the girls bedroom."

The lady followed her out and let the door slam behind them. I sighed in relief. I'm glad she didn't come and talk to me. I don't like talking to strangers, I can never stay calm.

After a while Mrs Taylor came back in. "Child-34." She called. I looked at her as she signaled for me to come to her.

I followed he out of the room unsurely. We wondered into the hall to meet the lady and to my surprise there was a girl with her. I recognised her as Child-29 but I didn't know her real name. She had long blonde hair that ran down to her shoulders, and bright blue eyes. She wore rags (Just like all the other children), but hers were colourful. You could tell that she looked after them very carefully. Good!!!"This is Mrs Smith!" Mrs Taylor told us. "She has come to adopt a child."

Child 29 gasped exitedly.

"She is going to ask you a couple of questions, and then decide who she woulod like to take home." mrs Taylor explained.

I swore a few curses in my mind, and waited for her first question.

Mrs Smith looked at Child 29. "What's your name?"

"Emily." She replied.

"How old are you?"

"12. I turn 13 in August." She smiled kindly.

Then Mrs Smith turned to me. "You don't have a name, do you?"

I shook my head.

She sighed. "You seem very polite!"

I smiled.

Mrs Smith stared deeply into my eyes. "I'm sorry!" She whispered. "I didn'yt know that the life of an orphan could be so miserable."

I Shrugged. "It's okay... I guess... At least we have a place to call home!"

"Yes." She argreed. Mrs Smith turned to Miss Taylor. "May I come back some time? It's too hard to decide now!"

"Of course!" Miss Taylor smiled, and guided her out.

'That's what they always say!' Ithought. 'They always say that and then come back!'

The End!

i liked this really good, are you going to write part two or are you going to leave it? Make sure you post me when you have wrote it i want to read more :) Some things could be added and taken out couple of mistakes but seriously keep writtin

I think you mean "sweet" not "sweat" dreams and also when creating a chapter or part of a story you have to somehow end it not just say "The End" or "To be continued..." readers feel cut off when you do this.

So, it seems like going from the reviews this was a longer story. Oh, well. I'll help you with what's left, I suppose.

Now, I must say this was interesting. It caught my attention because I once tried to read about a Soviet serial killer and the book was called "Child 44". This may make you want to change your title.

Anyway, I'd suggest adding more emotion to the piece. Give your character a distinct voice/describe his surroundings/show what he's looking at/etc. I know it's hard to do, but it makes the work. It's like as if a cast went up on stage and did their parts staring blankly with no smiles. People would find it awkward, right? Same difference.

I hope that helps. And I agree with the person above. It should be 'sweet', not 'sweat'.

Good luck, anyway! PM me if you have more to this, or if you need help.

Hey
So the first thing I thought when I read the title was sci-fi. I think its because its similar to a the title of my sci-fi story. And then on reading it, it made me think of Oliver Twist. So now I have the image of Oliver Twist in space, which sound pretty epic. But I have a feeling this wasn't what you were going for
Anyway I really liked it, because it seems quite mysterious. In saying that, its not necessarily always a good thing. It would have been nice to know a little bit about the other children, like the narrators opinion about them. I think if there was a little more of that then it would flow better.

But if this was on a blurb I'd definitely give it a read.
It'll be interesting to see where you go with it.

Hey,
I really liked the start of this, it gave a really good mood to start up a story. I also liked the way the character narrated, he/she sounded quite a funny character with a lot to say in life. I do agree with EmmaJ because I think this would make an excellent blurb and I would definitely read it. You could do a lot with the story and I'd like to know why this kid was called Child-34. I hope you continue with this story!