Young Writers Society

Your skin rubbed off on my pillow
Smells like central heating
Or the insides of houses
And it’s the closest I’ve been to sleeping with you
But tomorrow, oh
Will be the first of the forever I’m so scared of wishing for
The forever we make sure of as we turn into each other
When I start wearing plain white tops
And you pull on jeans and band t-shirts
The transition I long for when I transform into you
So that I know you’ll always be in my life
And that your smell will never leave my pillow.

Okalydokaly.

Firstly, punctuation! There's all of one comma in the whole thing, which is usually reserved for slam poetry that's whirlwinded through without taking a breath. This doesn't strike me as a poem that should be read like that - you need to use commas, full-stops etc. to your best advantage. In this poem, I'd say you need them more than ever, because you're trying to get across that feeling of hesitancy and uncertainty and nervousness; those kind of emotions don't lend themselves to speedy writing.

It's a bit personal - I'm not saying that's really a bad thing, because it'll make it all the better for the person you give it to what it does mean, however, is that you run the risk of not having an audience to speak to - writing about someone will usually find people to read it and identify with it; writing *to* someone can often narrow down that field. Just an observation, not really a complaint.

I'm not sure the "oh" really works in your favour.

Will be the first of the forever I’m so scared of wishing for

It's a good concept, but I've seen that line used before; a lot before. I think you could find a better, less common way of wording it.

Ending with the same image as you started with is a good touch.

Well, yeah that's all I have to say.

Smells like central heating
Or the insides of houses

Isn't central heating... inside houses?

I liked this, it reminded me of Connor. Of course I like things I can relate to etc... etc... That entire ranting and such.
Nice work, although you should do what Bob said too Listen to The Don.

backgroundbob wrote:It's a bit personal - I'm not saying that's really a bad thing, because it'll make it all the better for the person you give it to

I showed it him, he liked it

Thanks for the comments, people

But tomorrow, oh

don't use the "oh".
and listen to backgroundbob. =]

i was slightly confused with the first two lines.
skin smells like heat? maybe it's mebut i dont really understand that
the "oh" seems alittle out of place
but its good, i like it, i it shows your clearly in love.

This was nice. I agree with astrangedbeaR that the first two lines are kind of confusing. But you do really express your love for this person!

Whoever receives this should be very happy!

Another poem by you! I didn't even realize until I saw your avatar. Ahahha.
Anyways you're very talented. I also enjoyed this poem very much. Who cares about puncuation? We have artistic licenses! You have a lot of talent. Have you ever punlished a book before? You're veryy good in my opinion. Is your name Matt? Well that has nothing to do with your writing I'm sorry anyways. All your poems touch me in such a way.
I think I have an inkling of thought about what this one is about....
but I still like it very much. 8.5/10