Your imagery is wow, simply wow. It's been a long time since I've come across something on YWS that was so beautifully worded, nice job. That second stanza especially, the diction is so fresh--very powerful.
While each individual stanza is beautiful (they have a simplistic, natural haiku-like sense about them, without the syllables, of course--but there's something distinctively oriental in them, which is what I think you were going for), the stanzas sometimes seem as bit disconnected from each other. Here's what I got from it: Beaten bird falls-->two swans watch it-->old man hears it, but only sees swans-->nude girl steps in to help-->troubles koi. The next stanza seems kind of disconnected from the whole thing, or maybe I'm missing something but, from koi it seems to go to snow-->bird sinks in snow?-->the swans look at man. So, what happened to the girl, and what were the swans and the old man doing throughout the middle of the narrative?
To me, it's a bit too vague, but then again, maybe I'm not interpreting it correctly, or perhaps it was your intention. In terms of technicalities, nice flow and rhyme, though sometimes the meter seems a bit too restricted. Lovely imagery as I said before. You transition from a peaceful scene to "brooding" a bit too abruptly, and then the bird sinking ends a bit too abruptly as well.
Ha, this whole review is rather rambly. Anyways, I hope my critique could have been of help. Lovely writing, keep it up!
~Ireyl
