Innocence

Innocence stolen without my permission,
Innocence gone without my submission.

Innocence lost through another's plan,
Innocence no longer for another man.

Innocence turned to hatred and fear,
Innocnce gone,
No man can come near.

Innocence taken from a little girls heart,
Innocence replaced by mistrust,
You thought you were smart.

Innocence dissapears like dew in a sun
Innocence faded before its begun.

Innocence obscured like a cloud over the moon,
my Innocence had been ripped away too soon!

Wow...this is the kind of poem that puts a burning picture in my head and I have to read it till the end. I love how you repeat Innocence throughout the poem, it really brings out the point and meaning.

Just one spelling error I caught:

Innocence gone,

Elegant writing! Hope to read more!

Hello there

I just couldn't resist reviewing this. Well for one it was definitely better than the previous poem of yours that I read. I always admire an attempt to have consistent rhyming in a poem because it's not easy. There are just a few suggestions I had in mind.

Innocence gone without my submission.

This is just a suggestion, but I would lose the 'my' because well, it sounds better.

You thought you were smart.

I don't like this line, it completely ruins everything.

Although this poem is better than the previous one, it tends to come across as a little hasty or choppy. "Innocence this and innocence that", by the time I got to the last line, I really battled to link it with the bits and pieces I picked in the body of the poem. Try to put things in such a way that they mesh without losing that "poetic-ness", if you must, of the piece.
Keep writing and good luck!

Hi
I really enjoyed reading your poem .I like how you expressed weakness by saying: "innocence taken from a little girl's heart",and how you made us feel that you are strong by saying:"Innocence gone,no man can come near." some times what make us weak give us the power to defend the rest of our broken souls. I wish you a good luck and I can wait to read your next poem .

I enjoyed this piece, and dare I say it, Taylor Swift would write a song about a girl like this. I felt the raw emotion and I do believe there is more to this poem, if you so wish.

snowberry23 wrote:I enjoyed this piece, and dare I say it, Taylor Swift would write a song about a girl like this

I loved it, great writing! Keep it up.

Well I think the rhyme scheme weighed you down. It didn't fit the mood of the poem really, and it binded you to use certain words and kept you from really reaching a lot of depth. At the same time, this wasn't a bad poem, just a little choppy and such. Keep working on it and I think your poetry will improve.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey there everybody...
Thank you so much for your Great advice and your Awesome comments!

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