my hardest day

A red rose
Tears all over
My eyes as red
As the rose

I get little comfort
It doesn’t look like him
But I know he’s gone
Yet it only feels like he absent

Me and Alisha, we run
We run to C.V.S
Our time is spent there
Candy, drinks, we get it all
We renter the funeral home

Hearts are heavy
We hid in the bathroom
Eating M+Ms and honey twists
Then we walked back in the room
To say our final good-byes to the man
We loved so much it hurt us to lose him

I sit with my parents
I’m not crying yet
But I can’t feel my heart
It numb inside my chest
I’m sure though that it’s bleeding
When they call us up
I walk up and kneel in front of him
It breaks through that he gone
I turn on my heel and walk away from him

In the parking lot I start to cry
My heart has finally made itself known
And now it’s screaming
My brown eyes are red and inflamed
The blood is pounding in my ears
I can’t breathe, I’m losing my calm

Finally we start the procession
And we start the long drive to the church
And we pass people I know in this town
They don’t see me through the tint
But I see them staring
So for one second I believe
I’m invisible and that this isn’t happening

The church is harder’
We all walk in behind the casket
And the Paul bearers
Now they place the American flag
It layed over the top
I sit in the pew
And listen to the preacher
Speak of a man I wish he knew

Tears are falling heavy
As he swings a smoking lantern
Over the casket and flag
My aunt cries hard
Her sobs echo in the church
It’s setting in now he gone forever

A speech is given
It’s say something
I have known my whole life

We were all welcome
Every Sunday to his house
If you needed a place to crash
His couch was open to you
His famous maple tree
They span out across the country
From as far south as North Carolina
And as far west as Indianapolis
These are only some of the things
He completed in his life

As we walk from the church
My tears stop and my nose too
On the way to the cemetery
I ready myself to hear the shots and taps
21 one guns will be ringing in my ears
We reach the cemetery

My heart rips open
They play taps as the hearse
Is unloaded and placed at his plot
The family listens to the preacher
And my heart is breaking
As the preacher stands back
A military officer takes
His place in front of our family

He kneels in front of my meme
And his words send tears free falling
“This country and our president
Thank you for your father’s service"
Then the 21 one shots feel like
21 one bullets in our hearts
And I fall into my cousins arms

I will never forget
The turmoil never stops
I can’t turn back time
Even though I wish I could
My heart is broken
And not healing
I love you nonnon
I will miss you forever

RIP
Ocotober 28, 1923
September 29, 2010

Spoiler

Hi there Angelheart! First, I can't even describe how strong you are to go through and write this. The imagery was very vivid, and I definitely got a feel for what the scene was like.

I might recommend going through and running a spell check on your poem because I see a few mistakes. For example, "trun" should be "turn." However, most mistakes are pretty self-explanatory if you use Spell Checker on Microsoft Word or whatever the word-processing program is on your computer.

The only other suggestion I have is to make clearer who it is who passed on. You said, "he kneels in front of my meme." It might be clear to you who your meme is, but it is not necessarily clear to the reader. You say that the police officer addresses your meme and refers to the fallen soldiers as your meme's father. Could the poem be in reference to your grandfather?

The lack of spelling and punctuation is completely acceptable, because after all, this is poetry and you have a creative license. e.e. cummings would approve.

It was refreshing to read something so openly confessional and relaxed. You didn't glorify the poem or try to make it into anything that it's not, and this is certainly a valuable skill.

Good work, and I look forward to reading more of your writing.

a red rose
tears all over
my eyes as red
as the rose First of all, sorry, but roses are such a cliche. I see them in too many poems to see any depth in one now. Then the last line seems too redundant of the first, and it lacks depth also. This beginning just doesn't draw me in.

i get little comfort
it doesnt look like him
but i know hes gone
yet it only feels like he absent Some punctuation might help, but this was a little confusing to read. I had to read it over a couple times to completely get what you were saying.

me and lish, we runLish?
we run to cvs
our time is spent there
candy, drinks, we get it all
we rent the funeral home

hearts are heavy
we hid in the bathroom Wait, who's he? Isn't 'he' dead?
eating M+Ms and honey twists
then we walked back in the room
to say our final good byes to the man
we loved so much it hurt us to lose him

i sit with my parents
im not crying yet
but i cant feel my heart
it numb inside my chest Verging on cliche again.
im sure though that its bleeding
when they call us up
i walk up and kneel in front of him
it breaks through that he gone
i trun on my heel and walk away from him

in the parking lot i start to cry
my heart has finally made itself known
and now its screaming
my brown eyes are red and inflamed
the blood is pounding in my ears
i cant breathe, im losing my calm This is just too simple. You say "I do this, I do that" without bringing us into your world. You describe but don't show. Open us up to the emotion behind it.

finally we start the prosseion <Typo
and we start the long drive to the church
and we pass people i know in this town
they dont see me through the tint
but i see them staring
so for one second i believe
im invisable and that this isnt happening

the church is harder '
we all walk in behind the casket
and the paul bearers
now they place the american flag
it layed over the top
i sit in the peu
and listen to the preacher
speak of a man i wish he knew

tears are falling heavey
as he swings a smoking lantern
over the casket and flag
my aunt cries hard
her sobs echo in the church
its setting in now he gone forever Grammar

a speech is given
its say something
i have known my whole life

we were all welcome
every sunday to his house
if you needed a place to chrash
his chouch was open to you
his famousmaple tree
they span out across the country
from as far sounth as North Carolina
and as far west as indianapolis < Cities/states = capitalized
these are only some of the things
he completed in his life

as we walk from the chruch
my tears stop and my nose too
on the way to the cemetary
i ready myself to hear the shots and taps
21 one guns will be ringing in my ears
we reach the cemetary <Check spelling. Also, you only continue to drag us along. Bring us inside your head.

my heart rips open
they play taps as the hearse
is unloded and placed at his plot
the family listens to the preacher
and my heart is breaking
as the preacher stands back
a military officer takes
his place in front of our family

he kneels in front of my meme
and his words send tears free falling
" this country and our president
thank you for your fathers service"
then the 21 one shots feel like
21 one bullets in our hearts
and i fall into my cusins arms

i will never forget
the turmoil never stops
i cant trun back time
even though i wish i could
my heart is broken
and not healing
i love you nonnon
i will miss you forever

RIP
oct 28,1923
sept 29, 2010

So even though this is sweet, it could definately be improved. This is a deep and touching subject, so just remember to bring us into your head and heart so we can see things your way.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

A red rose
Tears all over
My eyes as red
As the rose

I get little comfort
It doesn’t look like him
But I know he’s gone
Yet it only feels like he absent

Me and Alisha, we run
We run to C.V.S
Our time is spent there
Candy, drinks, we get it all
We renter the funeral home

Hearts are heavy
We hid in the bathroom
Eating M+Ms and honey twists
Then we walked back in the room
To say our final good-byes to the man
We loved so much it hurt us to lose him

I sit with my parents
I’m not crying yet
But I can’t feel my heart
It numb inside my chest
I’m sure though that it’s bleeding
When they call us up
I walk up and kneel in front of him
It breaks through that he gone
I turn on my heel and walk away from him

In the parking lot I start to cry
My heart has finally made itself known
And now it’s screaming
My brown eyes are red and inflamed
The blood is pounding in my ears
I can’t breathe, I’m losing my calm

Finally we start the procession
And we start the long drive to the church
And we pass people I know in this town
They don’t see me through the tint
But I see them staring
So for one second I believe
I’m invisible and that this isn’t happening

The church is harder’
We all walk in behind the casket
And the Paul bearers
Now they place the American flag
It layed over the top
I sit in the pew
And listen to the preacher
Speak of a man I wish he knew

Tears are falling heavy
As he swings a smoking lantern
Over the casket and flag
My aunt cries hard
Her sobs echo in the church
It’s setting in now he gone forever

A speech is given
It’s say something
I have known my whole life

We were all welcome
Every Sunday to his house
If you needed a place to crash
His couch was open to you
His famous maple tree
They span out across the country
From as far south as North Carolina
And as far west as Indianapolis
These are only some of the things
He completed in his life

As we walk from the church
My tears stop and my nose too
On the way to the cemetery
I ready myself to hear the shots and taps
21 one guns will be ringing in my ears
We reach the cemetery

My heart rips open
They play taps as the hearse
Is unloaded and placed at his plot
The family listens to the preacher
And my heart is breaking
As the preacher stands back
A military officer takes
His place in front of our family

He kneels in front of my meme
And his words send tears free falling
“This country and our president
Thank you for your father’s service"
Then the 21 one shots feel like
21 one bullets in our hearts
And I fall into my cousins arms

I will never forget
The turmoil never stops
I can’t turn back time
Even though I wish I could
My heart is broken
And not healing
I love you nonnon
I will miss you forever

RIP
Ocotober 28, 1923
September 29, 2010

Spoiler

its really hard to write about this because i know in my heart you mean we but its still fresh in my head so please just give me a little break im having a rough time with everyday liffe now