Take your Hands

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Rayneisthename
Gender Female
Points 1519
Reviews 47
Thu Dec 16, 2010 1:49 am
Rayneisthename says... · Thu Dec 16, 2010 1:49 am
This is a poem I wrote like 10 minutes ago on a whim. I have all these points and nothing to post, so here it goes.....
Feel free to rip this apart. :)

Let me take your hands
And free you from all demands
Let me take your lips
And seal our love with a beautiful kiss

Cloak me with your endless love
In the dead of night with the stars above
Let me see inside your soul
I want to hug until we grow old

Let this moment never be silenced
Let us shout out our love in defiance
Make my eyes only see you
And in the end, let it only be us two
BE YOURSELF. Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Two things are infinite: human stupidity and the universe; and I'm not sure about the universe

Don't tell me that the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon
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Eniarrol
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Points 1464
Reviews 85
Thu Dec 16, 2010 6:03 am
Eniarrol says... · Thu Dec 16, 2010 6:03 am
I am SweetMoments and I am going to reveiw your work.

Let me take your hands Nice opening line
And free you from all demands
Let me take your lips
And seal our love with a beautiful kiss Nice stanza

Cloak me with your endless love
In the dead of night with the stars above
Let me see inside your soul
I want to hug until we grow old Hug? I don't now it seems less passionate compared with what you have said in the stanza

Let this moment never be silenced
Let us shout out our love in defiance Okay defiance doesn't make sense here, Let us shout of our love in defiance that means that you are going againest something and you have expressed here that they want to be in love?
Make my eyes only see you
And in the end, let it only be us two I think the ending could be a bit stronger


Overall:
This is a very nice poem only a couple of things you could improve on.

-Sweet♥
A hero isn’t defined by winning. Loads of heroes die in the effort. Most of them never get any recognition. No, a hero is just somebody who does the right thing when it would be far, far easier to do nothing.


~Previously SweetMoments
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Lexi
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Points 1040
Reviews 9
Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:08 am
Lexi says... · Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:08 am
As if you wrote this in ten minutes, it's awsome!!
Just a few little tweaks...

"Let me take your hands
And free you from all demands
Let me take your lips
And seal our love with a beautiful kiss"
This stanza is SO good!!
One of the best.
"Cloak me with your endless love
In the dead of night with the stars above
Let me see inside your soul
I want to hug until we grow old"
The last line could be made a bit, not saying it's bad, just could be better.
That's all.
"Let this moment never be silenced
Let us shout out our love in defiance
Make my eyes only see you
And in the end, let it only be us two"
You could change it to this:
"Let this moment never be silenced
Let us shout our love in defiance
Make my eyes see only you
And in the end, let it just be us two"
Saying "only" that close together is a bit distracting.
Anyway, good poem, and sorry if i mucked it up.
[color=#400080]Go Brazil!!!! Soccer is awsome. Does anyone know why Italian players always start crying when they're kicked?[/color]
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Butterfinger
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Points 2830
Reviews 114
Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:42 am
Butterfinger says... · Fri Dec 17, 2010 4:42 am
You did a wonderful job with this! Love how you made it rhyme, but at times it felt like too many words just for the rhyme. There's nothing wrong with that! Beautiful!
If you want to be a great writer, don't think about what you're going to write, just write it.

I'm a huge fan of writers block! When your brain halts, with no direction for where you should go, it gives you threads. All you have to do is pull and unravel the story you're meant to write.
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Justagirl
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Points 2218
Reviews 297
Tue Dec 21, 2010 12:04 am
Justagirl says... · Tue Dec 21, 2010 12:04 am
My only nit-pick is the grammar. You have one comma. You need more!!! Other than that this poem is really awesome!!! I love it :D

Keep writing,
Alzora
"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~
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Shadowhunter14
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Points 3589
Reviews 70
Tue Jan 04, 2011 5:42 am
Shadowhunter14 says... · Tue Jan 04, 2011 5:42 am
Wow, this was great! I loved the ideas you put into it, and I thought that it was just the right length; not too long or short. Maybe a little more punctuation, and it's perfect!
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6 posts


Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.
— Jamie Anderson