Best Friend

Hello! I am trying something different today! I have never written any poetry, so bear with me on this.(: I have no clue what the right format or anything is, I just started writing. Well, enjoy!(:

Best Friend

What happened to us? Were we not close?
All those laughs we shared, were they not enough?
We were tight,
Two peas in a pod,
Now we’re separate,
Two wholes instead of halves.
I see you with a new group, laughing,
Talking about what’s up.
Or the rumors I hear of you at parties, must I say more?
Going behind your mother’s back,
That’s something that the real you wouldn’t have done.
Look around you, who are your friends?
The ones drinking,
Passing out on the couch,
The ones who are supposedly “popular”.
I don’t understand your meaning of it.
Or will you choose the one standing in front of you?
The one who won’t pressure you into anything?
The one who respects you the way you are?
No, I know you will choose wrong.
Popular is more desirable, right?
Go have “fun”, party all night,
With your so called “friends”.
It is your life, I can’t change it.
All I know for sure is,
I won’t be beside you
When your life comes crashing down,
I will be the one waiting for you,
Helping you build it back up.
I am willing to help you,
You won’t take it.
I want you back, my friend.
But being popular is more important to you, I suppose.
But why must you be so ignorant,
Only looking at what’s in front of you?
Just because I’m not in your view doesn’t mean I don’t exist.
Who is your best friend, her or me?
No, never mind, it's not worth the risk.

I liked this poem a lot, it had a few flaws though.....

But being popular is more important to you, I suppose.
But why must you be so ignorant, only looking at what’s on your nose? This line seems like you are trying too hard to rhyme
Just because I’m on the side doesn’t mean I don’t exist. what side?
Who is your best friend, her or me?
No, never mind, it's not worth the risk.


The only problem I had with this poem was the sudden rhyming at the end, but other that that it was pretty good.

-Rayne

Rayne she means side as in the mashed potatoes on the side as in not important not in the middle of her circle.

Before I begin this, I'm relatively new at poetry too (my poems aren't too good, unless you want to read them, in which case, they're amazing and you should do that now), but through posting on here and 2 great English teachers I had, I know a lot of technique. I just can't apply it to my own work. So anything I say may be incorrect, or a different way of looking things. It could also just be my opinion. But everything I put down here is to help you out the best I can.

I actually enjoyed this to a certain extent. It felt real, almost real to a fault. Like you were playing this monologue out in your head, and just happened to be in front of a computer to write it down. Not that this makes it bad, it just makes it hard to separate author from narrator (something anyone doing a poetry critique should try to do). While the poem should feel honest and truthful, you don't want the reader thinking about the guy/girl who wrote this, but rather the character who's "saying" it. Hard to find that balance, especially with younger and less skilled writers.

Also, line breaks don't have to always occur where the reader is supposed to take a breath. Theoretically, you could cut your lines up in any way you want, but the best way to do it is when you want to draw attention to a particular word or phrase. You want an important word/phrase at the end of a line because the reader naturally takes a quick pause before continuing, and that word will have a much better chance of sticking with the reader compared to a word jammed in the middle of a line. Also, starting a line with an important word/phrase is just as effective as ending a line on it. It's the first thing that will be read on that line, and it has much better shot of being remembered because of that. For instance:

She's beautiful, but I don't love her

Is significantly less powerful than:

She's beautiful,
But I don't love her

And even less powerful than:

She's beautiful,
But
I don't love her

On top of drawing attention to particular words, it can alter the meaning of a line. For example:

I won’t be beside you when your life comes crashing down,

This line leaves the reader breathless, exhausted from reading all that straight through. Translating to the meaning of the line/poem, the narrator is exhausted of trying to help out this old best friend, and has just given up. They're tired and beaten, and just don't care anymore, and they just don't have the energy to speak quickly or with much inflection. But, when you cut it like this:

I won’t be beside you
When your life comes crashing down,

Suddenly it takes on a new meaning. It's quick and short, moving the reader along quickly, their mind trying to keep up. The narrator is frustrated with the old best friend, angry at them. This narrator isn't going to be around to help out of spite and to be able to say "I told you so". The narrator's words flow quickly from their mouth, their speed fueled by rage. 2 very different tones, with the same words.

Now, you did a funny thing at the end. As Rayne pointed out, you began rhyming. Now, rhyming tells the reader that the narrator has everything in order; very controlled, very tight, very neat. The narrator knows exactly what to say and how to say it. While they still have the emotion, it's pretty much under control by their intelligence. Free verse, on the other hand, is disorganized, thoughtless, carefree, unrestrained. The author lets their heart talk, and only uses the brain in order to move the pencil on the paper. By having a rhyming end, in essence, is telling the reader that the speaker, after all of that emotional output, suddenly has his/her thoughts in order and has gained control over what is being said. Usually in emotionally charged poems (rhetorical questions are a pretty good way of showing deep emotion), it starts out organized, but digresses into madness, emotions overtaking the narrator's thoughts and just flowing out into the open, all pretenses discarded. This poem works best as a free verse poem, so try to avoid rhymes as much as possible.

Those are just some general things I saw wrong with your poem, and will hopefully help you (and anyone else who dares read this post) greatly with any future poetry you might write. Just keep working at it, and eventually you'll produce some great stuff.

hey there I'm China Cookie.

I just want to start by saying my poems are new and I,m not that great yet,but i will help where i can.
Your poem is grea I think, and I thhink many people in society who have had a best friend can relate to this. Your poem was very flowy yet choppy if you understand what i mean. What i liked was that you kept to your emotion and you kept you idea through the whole poem and didnt lose it through out. As people seem to do that in long dramatic Poetry.
I really did enjoy your piece and i hope to read more from you.

Keep writing, and Good luck!

Regards;
China Cookie