Bored....No Joke

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Butterfinger
Gender Female
Points 2830
Reviews 114
Wed Dec 15, 2010 8:35 pm
Butterfinger says... · Wed Dec 15, 2010 8:35 pm
Ok, so as always, my inspiration seems to come from the weirdest places and I can't imagine where this one came from. Anyways, Review, Critique, Rip, Tear, Applaud, Yawn, do what you must, but please give me some input!!! HAHAHAHA! :smt002


The day is long
I'm getting bored
I wanna sleep
Five hours more.

The sun won't shine
The birds won't sing
My phone is chirping
Ring RiNg RING!!

Where's the ice cream?
Grab a spoon
I'll shove my face
Hide in my room.

What a life I have
A real fat joy
What a perfect day
To blow up a toy!
If you want to be a great writer, don't think about what you're going to write, just write it.

I'm a huge fan of writers block! When your brain halts, with no direction for where you should go, it gives you threads. All you have to do is pull and unravel the story you're meant to write.
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Sionarama
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Points 8230
Reviews 102
Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:01 pm
Sionarama says... · Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:01 pm
Bahha!!! Excellent writing and rhyming!

The day is long
I'm getting bored
I wanna sleep
five hours more
: this is the best rhyming to me and fluency of the topic

the second line is cute. I can't really take it seiriously because its a little cliche. But wait, I take that back. It is very enjoyable. (Sorry, I felt bad about the cliche... Im a poet too and I wouldve killed someone who called my poems cliche)

the third line is extremly enjoyable. haha randomly asking... what flavor?? ;)

the last stanza:

what a life
a real fat joy
what a perfect day
to blow up a toy
: I have a problem with the last line (to blow up a toy): Yes, it does rhyme. Yes, its cute. But there are too many word counts. I know, I Know, how hard it is. Lemme try and see if I can do it better without changing the words.

Take one:
what a life
a real fat joy
what a perfect day
to tear some toys (alright I changed the wording)

Take two:
what a life
a real fat joy
what a perfect day
to ......

i dont know!! I give up :(

well there ya have it... sorry they're so many words... XD
"You may not be educated well in the areas of etiquette and the like as a princess, but you do throw some bashing good parties!"
Not all princesses are pink sparkles.
Exhibit A
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Butterfinger
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Points 2830
Reviews 114
Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:17 pm
Butterfinger says... · Wed Dec 15, 2010 9:17 pm
Hahaha! I love your evil laugh at the beginning! Flavor??? The best is Cheese cake with crushed up butterfingers in it! yummy!

Hmmm.....

What a life
A real fat joy
What a perfect day
To throw out the soy.

Hahahahaha! The last line is a failure!!!! Awww!
If you want to be a great writer, don't think about what you're going to write, just write it.

I'm a huge fan of writers block! When your brain halts, with no direction for where you should go, it gives you threads. All you have to do is pull and unravel the story you're meant to write.
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Rayneisthename
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Points 1519
Reviews 47
Wed Dec 15, 2010 10:30 pm
Rayneisthename says... · Wed Dec 15, 2010 10:30 pm
Hahaha, I like this poem a lot!!! :) Everything you said here is true! I feel exactly like that right now! But agreeing with Sionarama, the last line is a bit forced because of the rhyming, it doesn't exactly fit in with the subject of the poem. This was good, I liked it!
Keep writing
-Rayne
BE YOURSELF. Because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

Two things are infinite: human stupidity and the universe; and I'm not sure about the universe

Don't tell me that the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon
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If a million people say a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing.
— Anatole France