Knight in the Night

A simple and dark poem about a lover and his dieing love. Enjoy and comment:

Knight in the Night

Now let us say what we must say
‘Till Death doth take us both away

It’s the hand of your fears
That grips your heart and brings the tears

All too real
All too real

You are a sick and withered tree
But it’s only real if you want it to be

Open your eyes darling
Can’t you hear the singing?

All too quiet
All too quiet

Your fate is a shattered mirror
Only fragments of night are clear

But there is a butterfly inside
Waiting to burst out and fly

All too late
All too late

Your scream is his symphony
He has waited to torture thee

But into the darkness you go
Just to hide from your shadow

All too dark
All too dark

But I have come for my love
And I do not bow to Death

Now let him say what he must say
‘Till Death doth seem to fade away

I am your light
Your lover
Your knight in the night

Thanks

.

Hi there!
I love the dark tone of this piece, and I'm a sucker for chivalry, so I really enjoyed this poem. A few hopefully helpful remarks: the following stanza was pretty weak.

Open your eyes darling
Can’t you hear the singing?

It just didn't seem to follow the thematic flow of events in the poem. I think it would be more effective if you used those lines to talk about the quiet of isolation, or something. Just a thought.

Also, your line breaks in this poem are effective, but punctuation is still needed, so make use of commas, periods, semi colons, and colons at the ends of your lines. It will make the poem more polished.

Finally, there's the last stanza:

I am your light
Your lover
Your knight in the night

The fact that it didn't have the same rhythm as the rest of the piece was distracting for me. I'd suggest maybe changing it to make the lines longer, possibly like this :
"I am your light, your lover, Love,
And I pledge to be your knight
All throughout the blackest night."
That meter matches the rhythm of the whole poem a little better.

All in all, I like this poem a lot, and look forward to seeing more work from you. Hope my comments were helpful. Happy writing, and thanks for sharing this piece!

My suggestions are in bold;

Now let us say what we must say
‘Till Death doth take us both away I like this line, it flows well and is a good starter.

It’s the hand of your fears 'It is' might flow better
That grips your heart and brings the tears Love this.

All too real Maybe 'It's all too real'?
All too real

You are a sick and withered tree
But it’s only real if you want it to be My favourite two lines. Fantastic.

Open your eyes my darling
Can’t you hear the singing?

All too quiet Again, maybe 'it's all too quiet'?
All too quiet

Your fate is a shattered mirror
Only fragments of the night are clear

But there is a butterfly inside
Waiting to burst out and fly I like this a lot, sweet.

All too late
All too late

Your scream is his symphony Maybe add 'Death' instead of 'his' because at first it was unclear who you meant.
He has waited to torture thee

But into the darkness you shall go Just to make the flow easier
Just to hide from your shadow Again, love this.

All too dark
All too dark

But I have come for my love
And I do not bow to Death :/ Hrm, I'm not so keen on this line, but I like the idea.

Now let him say what he must say
‘Till Death doth seem to fade away Looove this.

I am your light
Your lover
Your knight in the night

Wow. Deep and dark! Very gripping from the start. I loved some of the ideas, but often they weren't expressed in a way that flowed. However, overall I really liked it and enjoyed reading it. You seem like a very talented writer. The suggestions are just little (and most probably personal) things that I picked up on.
Keep writing,

~Crim

thanks, I'll keep the meter in mind.

I think this is really good. keep posting

I found this poem truly remarkable. I love it! You have a marvelous gift.

Wonderfully written. It felt like a song. Very beautiful and sad. It felt a bit rough in places but nothing big enough to point out. Keep up the good work, I'm finding that I'm beginning to like poems haha.

If you're musical, you can probably try making this poem into lyrics. I was imagining a medieval woman caressing her lover as he lies by her, life fading. Beautiful.

Haha, thanks guys. i am musical actually, which is probably why it feels like a song, cause my poems are songs!

I loved the dark tone of this poem, how it flows and keeps the beat. The rhyming is a little off in some spots, although I can't put my finger on any, so perhaps the rhyming issue is just my own.

Thanks Wayward bird, I the rhyming is a little unique. It was intended however.