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Hi there!
Can I say, wow? I liked this a lot, and am surprised that no one else has oogled over it yet. Your descriptions are powerful, and the MC draws the reader in. Your diction sets a good, dark, dangerous tone, as well. I love a good hero story, and Zayn is a fantastic hero. My only suggestion to you would be to cut out some of the ellipses in this piece. Other than in dialogue, ellipses can distract from the flow of the narrative instead of enhancing it. Thank you so much for sharing this piece! I really loved it.

Hey there, AllyGrLxOx here for a review!

Fear. It binds, cripples, chokes, and smothers. The weak and the strong, the courageous and the meek all have something to fear. The fearless do not exist, they never have save in myth or legend. Fear. It shows no mercy, silencing the small and crushing the mighty. Fear. For centuries we have been encumbered by it's unforgiving weight. Of one thing we are certain. It has no end. Fear.

I'll start the review by saying that the way you began this chapter utterly blew me away! I LOVED the way you described fear.

This piece was so intriguing, the whole thing had a dark, dangerous and painful feeling.

It was like I could feel your MC's pain when the Voice was taunting him about killing her. (Even though us readers don't know who her is yet! xD)

You also have some, gruesome, yet wonderful descriptions!

The air rushed all around him, and a guttural cry sounded in unison. Shards of glass and bits of metal, heated until white hot, ripped into his flesh, stripping bone bare. A scream built up in his chest, his throat; so much strength it cost to reduce it to nothing but a groan.

That was one of them!

You tended to use alot of ellipsis throughout your dialogue, I'd try using more periods instead and only use an ellipsis every now and then.

One second he was icy cold, so that he shivered convulsively

I didn't think that this sentence flowed very well, some editing maybe?

There were also some sentences that I didn't think flowed correctly however that can be easily fixed with some quick revisions!

'You are a fool,' the Voice snarled, 'YOU allow this world to rot! YOU allow these people to suffer! When ALL would be over in a matter of a word and a moment, YOU allow this place to fall into madness...chaos!'
'We both know that you only prolong the inevitable,' the Voice went on, 'But we both know who owns the upper hand... We will win. We will rule. That is something that you cannot hope to prevent. You cannot stop us. You cannot fight us, not alone as you are. Accept defeat. Accept the end. Tell me where the Threshold lies.'

It might've been just me but whenever the Voice spoke to him in that manner I couldn't help but think of the Devil telling someone they're worthless and to give up?
Was that the feel you were going for?

And darkness, perfect darkness, enveloped the light.

This was a magnificent way to end the chapter, it helps to leave the reader gawking at what just went on between Zayn and the Voice!

Overall this whole thing was amazing to read, so I'd appreciate it if you'd PM me when the next chapter is up!

Any questions?
Feel free to PM me(:

Hi there!

The sting of infection and fester boiled in the lashes and gashes that marred his back, shoulders and chest.

comma after shoulders. Maybe you should say infectionS and festerS? The sentence seems a bit long.

Their presence became and the overwhelming evil of (don't need of)bore down on him like a great weight that became more and more ponderous with every passing second.

'I will break you...' the Voice said vehemently.

Just a suggestion, but maybe you could italicize a word for added effect?
“I will break you…” or
“I will break you…”
However you thought it sounded in your head.

Wow, this is great. The mood you set for this scene was beautifully dark and violent, and I thought it was a great take on the ‘hero undergoing torture’ scenario. Most people make the mistake of adding in a lot of heroic dialogue and such, but you really let the descriptions speak here, which I loved. ‘The Voice’ seems truly sadistic, and he certainly seems to be evil enough to be a good villain.

So definitely keep it up. Great descriptions, and great introduction of characters. The only thing I thought you could change would be having quotation mark for their speech, but that wasn't really a big distraction for me.
Let me know if you’re posting more!
Thanks for the read.

Wow just wow. From the first paragraph you had me hooked. I really loved your descriptions and how we don't even konw who these people really are yet but I was already thinking to myself 'NOOOOOO WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE!' I also like how you slowly brought the reader into the story. Over all, I can't come up with anything bad to say with out repeating what other people have said. I'm going to race to the next chapter now.

Hey Bel, how are you? Sorry I am a bit late. But I'll try to make up for it.

Spoiler

The weak and the strong, the courageous and the meek- all have something to fear.

Use something to separate your list from the later part of the sentence. Maybe a semi-colon, or else it'd look confusing.

His throat burned,(;) dry and thirsty.

For the first line(rather word), and the one that followed I was totally hooked on. I seriously liked the beginning. I am a little confused on if I liked your constant repetition of the word 'fear'. In a way it was nice to have the word again and then ee its different dimensions but the last time you used this word, I seriously didn't like it. You should remove the word from the last part of the first paragraph-it's ruining the fun. You might want to check out those typos you had in here. Just read this again, and you'll be able to find out.

My biggest problem would be that in the beginning there was 'he' a lot. We were so exposed to his fear, his state that at a point I became disinterested. I know you have to show all this-don't delete any of it, but what I'd suggest you to do would be to in between bring on the atmosphere, what all he could see. Just show from his 'eyes' a bit. Because one kind of description can seriously pull off your readers. Even though, I have to say that these descriptions were not repetitive but I can't say if the reader would like to read them in one block of text. A little bit of distraction to other insignificant, but attractive things would make readers' attention span at one place. So don't go on with that, too, just use it to break off the continuous mention of his state. It'd ease up your writing a bit, and give readers a break.

I am speechless now. I don't have much to suggest here since your piece is great. Your descriptions and words were excellent, and the way you narrated was also captivating. The words were good, but sometimes I just felt that in between some easy or simple sentence you were trying to put something extravagant. It might be good or bad-I am not sure, but keep in mind not to confuse your readers by whatever you decide to do-not that you confused us. What I felt, maybe it's just me though, that you were just going on and on with his pain in the first part i.e. before Voice entered, but then as he hit Zayn with the whip, there wasn't much of physical pain evolved. I think that whatever you described was good, but maybe you should cut it down a bit before and add in after the lashes scene. The reason is that in the beginning the readers would be content in knowing that the person was suffering badly, but it is more essential to know his pain after he's been lashed. Maybe you need not cut anything, just add in more, but then that depends on you.

My other critique would be that you used a lot of ellipsis in your dialog, which I can't say about others but they were definitely quite distracting to me. So you should cut them out, because else it'd look completely weird. You need not have so many pauses in your dialog, so maybe slowing down would help. Other thing that I am not sure of, and is more of a question is that did you hide this Voice's personality, descriptions on purpose or you just didn't get on with it? Anyways, I am not sure what you have in mind so it is best to wait until next part.


The one thing that I'd surely say is that you had a brilliant advantage of third person POV, and you could have used this fact more brilliantly. For me, this could have been better. In the first half, you could have gone around explaining what all was there around more because it's not Zayn's POV, for if it had been then maybe you would have been a bit restrained to go on this way. Partly because his condition wasn't such that he could describe and notice every bit of detain. So since it's not that case, I'd like you to notice thispoint and probably work on it. Also, you could have added on the magic third person narration creates.

Best of luck, and I hope I was of help.

~Shrubbery

Awesome! Very compelling and gripping, your description of his pain and dismal situation. I like how you’ve hinted at so many things, yet really told us nothing at all except for who’s right and wrong in this battle.
It really sounds like They have a point though, why is Zayn letting the world fall apart? Is he?
We’ll need some answers to this. If Zayn is merely withholding information because he’s selfish, it’ll be kinda hard to accept him as the hero. The good guy.
Nevertheless, for just this prologue, your approach was good.
My nitpicks below. I hope I don’t make you cry too much.

Fear. It binds, cripples, chokes, and smothers. The weak and the strong, the courageous and the meek all have something to fear. The fearless do not exist, they never have save in myth or legend. Fear. It shows no mercy, silencing the small and crushing the mighty. Fear. For centuries we have been encumbered by it's unforgiving weight. Of one thing we are certain. It has no end. Fear.

At first, I wondered if there were too many words in that intro paragraph. But then I began to wonder about something else. What exactly does it have to do with the story? Sure, there’s plenty of fear and all, but unless Fear itself has some spotlight role, I would consider cutting this out.
Also, you slip up a little.
“by it's unforgiving weight.”
In this case, you wish to show Fear’s possession over weight, so normally you would add an apostrophe after the word. However, in the case of ‘its’, you merely leave it alone.
“by its unforgiving weight.”
What you wrote was it’s, and therefore ‘it is’.
“by it is unforgiving weight.”
Doesn’t make much sense.

A cold chill brought him to consciousness.

I would replace ‘A’ with ‘The’, just to give it more importance. It is, after all, the first line of the story, so I think it should be brought out a little more.

One second he was icy cold, so that he shivered convulsively.

Cut the ‘so that’, it really sounds better that way.

His throat burned, dry and thirsty.

This is a fragment, and therefore grammatically incorrect. However, for the style of story you’re writing, it sounds just about right. It’s all your choice: cut or modify?

He could feel sweat rolling down the bridge of his nose, beading in his temples and collecting on his upper lip despite the cold.

Technically, your sweat beads at the starting point, then trickles down. Also, that last little ‘despite the cold’ is out of place.
You should list this sweat-journey as so.
Despite the cold – sweat beaded at the forehead – rolled down the bridge of his nose – collected on his upper lip
See?

The sting of infection and fester boiled in the lashes and gashes that marred his back, shoulders and chest.

‘Infection’ and ‘fester’ should be pluralized. Also, I would cut ‘fester’.
‘Boiled’ does not seem to be the right word here. You already spoke about one sort of skin damage, so saying ‘boiled’ instantly conjured the mental image of actual boils. Try replacing that verb.
‘Lashes and gashes’ is redundant. Reduce it to ‘gashes’ and you’re golden.
‘Back, shoulders and chest’ is a lengthy list. I would suggest saying ‘body’ and leaving it at that.
This is what the correct sentence would look like:
“The sting of infections churned in the gashes that marred his body.”
Alternately:
“The stings of infection churned in the gashes that marred his body.”

The silence tore at his ears, pressing his brain from seemingly every direction.

This is an over-used cliché. One that, I must confess, has entered my own works here and there. Try to bring a sense of claustrophobia with a different set of words, or with an entirely new idea. I’m sure you can do it.

Within his chest his heart beat rapidly, thundering in his chest like a ferocious storm.
Inwardly, he was frantic, desperation clutching him in it's cold, sharp claws.

‘Within’ and ‘Inwardly’ are redundant, naming the same thing twice. Likewise, you say ‘chest’ twice.
Also, you slip up with the same old ‘its’ that I mentioned at the beginning.

But outwardly, he managed to maintain a calm, quiet countenance, refusing to display his own fear... Or too weak to.

That last bit seems a little too weak…no pun intended. Seriously, I would consider cutting it.

The expression upon his face was that of silent misery, defeat.

But I thought he just ‘managed to maintain a calm, quiet countenance, refusing to display his own fear’. How now this silent misery and defeat?

[sEven[/s] Their heart beats he could detect as clearly as though his ear was pressed against the breast of each individual.

‘Heartbeats’, one word. Also, this whole sentence seems a bit wordy. Find some way to get rid of one ‘as’ and to cut unnecessary prepositional phrases.
Also, I would cut that first ‘Even’.

A door creaked open with a heavy groan.

Again, as I suggested at the beginning. You should replace ‘A’ with ‘The’, just to emboss it a little.

Light shattered the darkness, exposing the barren chamber and illuminating his eyelids as though he was staring directly into the sun.

His pupils or eyeballs would have been illuminated, not his eyelids. Unless you mean that his eyes were closed and that he could see the red glow of his blood through the eyelids. You know what I mean? Like when you close your eyes and look at the sun.
Oh…wait. “…as though he was staring directly into the sun”
I see.

Their presence became and the overwhelming evil of bore down on him like a great weight that became more and more ponderous with every passing second.

Read that again slowly. See something wrong? No? Read again.

Their consciences assaulted his now, each one bashing against the barriers carefully constructed around his brain like battering rams.

Reminds me a lot of what Eragon goes through, setting up ‘mind barriers’.

How long had it been since last he felt the conscience of another? Since he felt that comfort? That satisfaction? He hungered after it, he had for so long. To know that feeling again would be paradise.

But he’s feeling these consciences, right? Also, why would he be thinking about comfort, satisfaction and paradise with all this darkness and pain around him?

'This, then, is what it comes to,' said the Voice, alluring as the sound of a harp, venomous as the bite of a viper, and cold as ice,'While our worlds vitality is sapped away and our universe succumbs to the frost, Zayn, prince of shadow and the Dark, keeps the Door shut and himself hidden away from the all... Selfish, selfish, selfish... Do you not see that this was a doomed world from the very beginning?'

You need a space between ice, and ‘While.
‘Worlds’ should be ‘world’s’
‘The all’ sounds strange. Unless ‘all’ is an object, person or place, then you should cut the ‘the’.

"My patience us wearing thin,' hissed the Voice, irritation and hatred saturating his every word,'I will kill you... I will have your blood...'

‘Us’ should be ‘is’, and, while we’re at it, isn’t “My patience is wearing thin” one of the most clichéd things for a villain to say?
Also, you need a space between word, and ‘I.

The air rushed all around him, and a guttural cry sounded in unison.

‘A’ guttural ‘cry’ is singular. For something to be ‘in unison’ there must be two of those happenings or objects. Therefore, you should have said, “…and guttural cries sounded in unison.”

'You long to protect her,' said the Voice. A hand snatched a handful of his hair and wrought his head back,'The One behind the Door... But no matter how you try, you will never be able to protect her from us... From...me...'

‘Wrought’ should be ‘brought’
Also, you need a space between back, and ‘The.

'Don't...' Zayn growled through his teeth, his voice wavering.
'I will keep you alive long enough for me to find her... Capture her,' whispered the Voice menacingly,'I'll make sure you feel everything that I do to her... I've planned it all very carefully you know...?'

You need a space between menacingly, and ‘I’ll.

'I'll start by taking a knife...' the Voice breathed in to Zayn's face,'And I'll cut out her eyes...

You need a space between face, and ‘And.

'You are a fool,' the Voice snarled, 'YOU allow this world to rot! YOU allow these people to suffer! When ALL would be over in a matter of a word and a moment, YOU allow this place to fall into madness...chaos!'

‘Chaos’ seems a little out of place right there at the end.

'We both know that you only prolong the inevitable,' the Voice went on, 'But we both know who owns the upper hand... We will win. We will rule. That is something that you cannot hope to prevent. You cannot stop us. You cannot fight us, not alone as you are. Accept defeat. Accept the end. Tell me where the Threshold lies.'

Sheesh, this guy likes to talk a lot.
I think ‘owns’ should be changed to ‘has’, or something similar.

Zayn replied tersely, his voice tense,'No.'

You need a space between tense, and ‘No.

'Then you leave me no choice,' said the Voice,'We will find it on our own.'

“You leave me no choice,” is probably more cliché than “My patience is running thin,” Your villain here is really pulling out all the stops.
Also, you need a space between Voice, and ‘We.

As the Voice spoke a blade of cold steel slipped between Zayn's ribs. Zayn caught a strangled cry before it could fully escape his throat.

Comma between ‘spoke’ and ‘a’.
‘Zayn’ is mentioned at the end of one sentence and then picked up at the start of the next. That close of a redundancy screams to me.

It retracted and blood spilled from the wound like water from a spring.

What retracted? You got me confused with your pronouns here. Is it Zayn’s strangled cry or the cold steel blade?

But even as he fell into unconsciousness, he was aware of the presence of others, perhaps no better than those who held him captive now.
He was too near Death's welcome hand to care. This was how it ended. For them both. Worlds apart, alone, and afraid. Nonetheless their struggle was at an end. They could rest knowing that they had tried. What happened next was none their concern, he did not want it to be.

This ‘others’ is apart from They, and yet they are ‘no better than those who held him captive now’. Who are the ‘others’? This part serves to thoroughly confuse me. I know you may not want a solid, all-questions-answered prologue, but this is no longer mysterious; it’s bewildering.

So, I hope that it wasn’t too much (5 pages!) but you should expect that for all the rest of your chapters…sometime soon…maybe.

Once again, you’re doing a great job with this. I love your voice in it, short and full of action, very pulling. Good for a prologue, but not for the whole novel.

Here if you need me,
Jenth

Thanks for all the help you guys

I'll edit as soon as I get to a computer. The only issue that I've had with the iPhone is the inability to do much editing from it.

PRINCE

Fear. It binds, cripples, chokes, and smothers. The weak and the strong, the courageous and the meek all have something to fear. The fearless do not exist, they never have save in myth or legend. Fear. It shows no mercy, silencing the small and crushing the mighty. Fear. For centuries we have been encumbered by its unforgiving weight. Of one thing we are certain. It has no end.


Siobhan watched Zayn pull on a pair of black leather gauntlets from where she stood in the center of their chambers. Tears filled her eyes as she watched him, donning those last pieces of his armor.
'You don't have to do this...' she whispered.
He paused, and then glanced at her, his vibrant violet eyes flashing beneath his darkened brow, 'I have no choice.'
'But you do!' she half-sobbed, half-cried.
He looked up, shocked by her sudden outburst. The silent tension that hung between them was suffocating.
'Zayn,' she whispered brokenly, 'I would rather die than be separated from you for an eternity! Please! Don't go!'
She hurried into his arms, sobbing as she buried her face in the hollow of his neck.
He grimaced at the inward heartache as he wrapped his arms around her.
'Zayn...' she whimpered.
'I know none of this makes sense right now,' he whispered, 'And I wish I could tell you everything...'
She went rigid in his arms as a sob escaped her, 'Zayn, please...'
'All I can tell you is that I am only trying to take the Danger away from here,' he said, using his forefinger to tilt up her chin so that their eyes met, 'I have to do this. Death for us, to leave all of this trouble behind us this might be a tad wordy, your choice, as sweet as that would be, would only leave the world in more peril than it is already in. Darling, the rebellion has begun something horrible.'
She bit her lip, meeting his gaze with now understanding eyes.
He ran the fingers of both his hands through her soft white hair, caressing the braid that hung by her ear, 'Be strong for me now... I cannot do this without you...'
She nodded, with tears streaming down her face and a heavy heart weighing in her chest. He knew she was still unsure, still afraid, but he knew she would do whatever was necessary for the sake of their world.
She cupped his face and pressed her lips to his in a hesitant kiss. She did not want to say goodbye. She drew back, 'I'll pray for you...'
He shook his head, snatching her by the shoulders as he captured her mouth in a kiss of passion and desperation.
This kiss was perhaps the last they would share.
But it was cut abruptly short when the door creaked open and one of Zayn's men said softly, 'They are here.'
Lovely!

The cold chill brought him to consciousness.
He could not move. He could not breathe. He could not see. His stomach churned, his body throbbed comma and his mind drifted. One second he was icy cold; he shivered convulsively. The next, he was feverishly hot; his skin coated in a film of perspiration.
As his senses cleared, however slowly, he became more and more aware of a number of things this sentence sounds like it could be rephrased. You could describe how it felt as he regained his awareness or something else, but right now it‘s the only sentence so far that sounds a bit bland. . His arms were bound above his head, twisted together by chains encased in rust. His feet dangled just inches from the floor.
He could feel sweat beading on his forehead, rolling down the bridge of his nose, and collecting on his upper lip. Blood trickled from his wrists where the chains gnawed into his flesh. The sting of infections churned in the gashes that marred his body.
His heart beat rapidly, thundering in his chest like a ferocious storm. Inwardly, he was frantic, desperation clutching him in its cold, sharp claws.
But outwardly, he managed to maintain a calm, quiet countenance, refusing to display his own fear... He listened to the random rhythm of the dripping of his own blood, his own sweat...his own tears?
He faced now the inevitable, with none of the hope that for so long he had kept alive, if not in himself then in others. This was what for so long he had tirelessly been fighting to prevent. This was a truth he longed to prove a lie. This was the end.
And it was approaching. He could feel it.
Beyond the walls of the chamber he could hear the lilting cadence of a dozen feet nearing. Their heartbeats he could detect clearly as though his ear was pressed against the breast of each individual. To anyone else, these sounds might have been inaudible. But even in his state of disconcertion, he could hear.
The door creaked open with a heavy groan. Light shattered the darkness, exposing the barren chamber and illuminating his eyelids to a vibrant blood red, as though he was staring directly into the sun with his eyes closed. All the sounds he had heard before suddenly amplified in volume, reverberating off the domed walls and clashing in his ears so that he could not tell where They were, how near or how far. His heart beat faster with every step. The vibrations on the air swarmed around him, confusing, discombobulating. He could smell Them, Their robes strongly scented with his blood. The footsteps stopped, and all he could hear was the drip-drip-dripping of his own blood (liquids, since you said before he was also dripping sweat and possibly tears) and Their breathing.
He felt Their consciences brush against his own, to him an awareness that he would trade for death itself.
Silence.
He wanted to scream, if only to fill in the quiet. Their presence bore down on him like a great weight that became more and more ponderous with every passing second.
Their consciences assaulted his now, each one bashing against the barriers carefully constructed around his brain like battering rams.
He only hung there motionlessly, refusing Them the knowledge that They were in fact gaining the upper hand.
'This, then, is what it comes to,' said the Voice, alluring as the sound of a harp, venomous as the bite of a viper, and cold as ice, 'While our worlds world’s vitality is sapped away and our universe succumbs to the frost, Zayn, prince of shadow and the Dark, keeps the Door shut and himself hidden away from all... Selfish, selfish, selfish... Do you not see that this was a doomed world from the very beginning?'
Silence.
'You are burning my patience,' hissed the Voice, irritation and hatred saturating his every word, 'I will kill you... I will have your blood...'
Zayn's face was expressionless, his mind reeling as the Others' onslaught against his mind wore on.
'I will break you...' the Voice said vehemently.
The air rushed all around him, and a guttural cry sounded. Shards of glass and bits of metal, heated until white hot, ripped into his flesh, stripping bone bare. A scream built up in his chest, his throat; so much strength it cost to reduce it to nothing but a groan.
'She feels your pain,' the Voice whispered.
The whip cracked as it struck again. Zayn gasped, the pain coursing through his every fiber like fire through a field of dry grass.
'She writhes... She screams...' it breathed.
Warmth spread down his back and shoulders. Fresh blood. The whip lashed into his back again. His body screamed silently for mercy. 'You long to protect her,' said the Voice. A hand snatched a handful of his hair and brought his head back, 'The One behind the Door... But no matter how you try, you will never be able to protect her from us... From me...'
'Don't...' Zayn growled through his teeth, his voice wavering.
'I will keep you alive long enough for me to find her... Capture her,' whispered the Voice menacingly, 'I'll make sure you feel everything that I do to her... I've planned it all very carefully you know...?' I would not end it with a question mark ‘I’ve planned it all very carefully, you know…’
Silence.
'I'll start by taking a knife,' the Voice breathed in to Zayn's face, 'And I'll cut out her eyes. Then her ears...and her fingers I'll cut off one by one. In little pieces from the tips to the knuckles. Her tongue, I’ll save that for last so that you'll know she's screaming your name and you won't be able to [do] anything about it... Then, I'll brand her body with hot iron... I'll set fire to her skin and her flesh, douse her and then do it all again until you beg for me to kill her... And even the I won't stop! I-!'
Zayn roared above the sound of the Voice.
The chamber shuddered, dust and rubble falling from the ceiling. His voice rasped into nothing, and his body went lax, his chest heaving, his breath visible on the air. The hands freed his hair and his head, and then struck him across the face.
'Tell me where the Threshold lies!' shouted the Voice.
Zayn was silent.
Again he felt the teeth and the claws of the whip, aware of each white hot piece of metal that tore into his flesh and bone.
'Tell me!' roared the Voice.
'Death...first...' Zayn rasped between uneven gasps.
'You are a fool,' the Voice snarled, 'YOU allow this world to rot! YOU allow these people to suffer! When ALL would be over in a matter of a word and a moment, YOU allow this place to fall into madness!
'We both know that you only prolong the inevitable,' the Voice went on, 'But we both know who has the upper hand... We will win. We will rule. That is something that you cannot hope to prevent. You cannot stop us. You cannot fight us, not alone as you are. Accept defeat. Accept the end. Tell me where the Threshold lies.'
Zayn replied tersely, his voice tense, 'No.'
'Fine!' spat the Voice, 'We will find it on our own.'
As the Voice spoke a blade of cold steel slipped between Zayn's ribs. Zayn caught a strangled cry before it could fully escape his throat. The blade retracted and blood spilled from the wound like water from a spring.
Zayn felt his grip on life slipping. He tasted the metallic, bitterness of his own blood.
But even as he fell into unconsciousness, he was aware of the presence of others, perhaps no better than those who held him captive now.
He was too near Death's welcome hand to care. This was how it ended. For them both. Worlds apart, alone, and afraid. Nonetheless their struggle was at an end. They could rest knowing that they had tried. What happened next was none of their concern, he did not want it to be.
He let go, willingly now. And darkness, perfect darkness, enveloped the light.

The ships had docked at the isle where the Threshold stood. It was a simple triangular platform of white marble, with a tall pillar at each corner and a silver bowl on pedestal in the center.
Zayn stood behind his league, waiting patiently as other Condemned assembled on the shores.
Fauns and Minotaurs, Wolves and Vampires, Centaurs comma and even Elves had gathered there as prisoners of war, all of them guilty of taking part in the Rebellion. Divines from other regions crowded around Zayn's league, murmuring and watching the rest.
'So this is how it ends,' sighed Arza, his underling.
'I'm sorry we got you all into this,' Zayn whispered.
'Don't be,' the other said softly, 'You helped free us. For centuries we were prisoners of this so-called Law without even knowing it. Until you and Siobhan united, we did not know what happiness was. We would follow you into the Dark if you required it of us.'
'Do you all feel so?' Zayn asked.
'Every last one of us,' he replied, clapping his hand on Zayn's shoulder.
Zayn nodded, and then he and the leaders of the other tribes approached the platform where They stood.
Each of the Divines pulled out a knife, save Zayn, who gave his wrist a shake and a blade shot out of his gauntlet from a small slit. They cut their palms so that blood oozed out of the lacerations, and then they held their hands over the bowl, allowing the blood to trickle in.
Their Leader stepped forward with a torch and set fire to the blood. The moment it ignited the mixture of Divine blood, a single ray of brilliant white light shot straight up into the sky, before splitting to three separate shafts. The light continued to soar upwards until each blaze contacted a pillar, and sent a shimmering curtain of light raining down over the Divines, illuminating the platform on which they stood.
All of the Condemned trudged up the steps of the platform and stepped reluctantly into to veil, vanishing inside.
All the while, Zayn was glaring at the Leader, who met his gaze with equal hatred. Both were waiting for the other to move first.
Zayn knew His intentions. He knew the real reason as to why the Divines were being banished rather than put to death. This had nothing to do with the revolt.
They escorted the Condemned, mortals and Divines alike, through the Door, but still Zayn stood rigid.
The last of the Divines stepped through the Door. This was his only chance.
All at once, Zayn snatched Him by the throat and kicked the pedestal over.
'You fool!' He cried. who cried? Zayn or the Leader?
Zayn dragged Him along with him as he ran toward to Door. It was beginning to fade, and quickly.
Zayn jerked Him off the ground and sprang through the Door. And then, it shut. Alright, it’s a little unclear whether or not he brought the Leader through the door with him or not. At the end, all you say is that he jerked him off the ground, not anything about dragging him through the door along with himself or anything. It would be easy to clear that part up.

Since I’ve read this story already, I have a good idea what’s going on, but I’m not sure how new readers will take it. I remember the first time through I was confused, and this is an awful lot of stuff to keep track of. Eh, you’re just going to have to get separate opinions for that. I do like how you set it up though, I think it flows well.

I can see people getting confused about who They and Them are and what exactly these Divines are. You can imagine the Divines being gods, but then you show them being banished, which is strange. Then you have Zayn, prince of the dark, being one of the good guys. So these things MIGHT trip people up, but then again it’s impossible to tell

Is it just me, or did you add more violence to his torture session? X) This is the first time I think I’ve ever said it, but it might’ve been a little too much for me. But that might just be because I have a strange thing with whips. Anyways, kudos for actually making my chest hurt in that part. Only, being disturbed to that level is probably not a good thing. Definitely be sure to keep the rating up, and hope that this won’t offend any readers. It’s tough to put a scene like that in the beginning of a novel.

Enough ranting, I thought your writing was much improved. The opening scene was my favorite, it had great romance. And if that beginning hook about fear doesn’t get readers on the edge of their seats, I don’t know what will x)

Let me know if you’ve got questions?