The Black Rose

Chapter 1

Blasted snow, thought Valeryn as he nudged his horse forward through the deep white expanse. His heavy white cloak wasn’t even enough to keep him warm in this cold. His nose stung from the biting wind and his cheeks burned as if with fire. Snowflakes landed on his armor and water from melted snow filtered through his layers of garment and chilled his skin. But it was not enough to stop him. His mission would not allow him to become an ice statue, lost in the forest of snow.

A glowing white fairy fluttered by his nose and he smiled.
“Hello, little friend. Where did he go, eh?” The peacekeeper shifted in his saddle and glanced around at the snow-covered trees. Three other fairies darted in and out of the forest and a goblin stared from the gloom of the woods. Wind carried the snowflakes through the air swiftly but softly. Smells of pine and oak filled the air as the wind pushed by. Valeryn closed his eyes and lifted his nose, breathing deeply seeking any unfamiliar scents. Nothing.

The fairy had settled on his horse’s mane and when he opened his eyes again, its almost transparent wings flashed in the sunlight. He reached his hand to it. The little creature set her hand upon his finger and stared up at him with tiny blue eyes. Valeryn sighed and gave a slight nudge to his horse. He had to move on. The horse’s hooves made slight noises through the powdery snow and three shadow larks sang in the treetops but he could hear nothing else.

A gunshot shattered the silence. The fairy darted away towards the forest and Valeryn shifted in the direction of the noise. Something moved among the trees. It was a short distance away, but not too short that Valeryn could be seen. He reigned his horse forward and dismounted tying the steed to a stout maple.

He pulled his rifle from the pouch on his horse and stepped forward in the crunchy snow. He could just hear the shouts of men and what sounded like swords clashing against one another.
Valeryn scooted from tree to tree, sending glances about the forest to be sure that he was alone. It had been some time since he had heard anything… shouting! More gunshots boomed through the trees.
Valeryn darted from cover and sprinted towards the noise.

Not fifty feet brought him to an edge of a large clearing, shrouded in smoke. He stopped and set his back against a tree out of sight and into protection from any shots that might stray his way.
A roar shook the ground and echoed through the trees.
Valeryn sighed, his chin falling to his chest. Despair flowed through his chest and reached down to his toes.
A simple criminal meddling with the affairs of Otherworld may be the death of me… How can this be?

He leaned out and glanced down into the small valley where the men fought and felt terror grip his heart with its icy fingers. He closed his eyes, feeling the hope drain from his body altogether.
The men did not fight against one another.
Valeryn tensed as another roar split the air.
A wood troll.

Hey Tyler, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review.

First off, I'd like to point your attention to the little Format option under the text box when you go to post a story...there are different options, and if you choose "Story," it automatically spaces out the paragraphs and just makes it a lot easier to read. Something I'd suggest for future use.

Now, about the story -- there really wasn't much for me to nitpick on grammar-wise. One thing I noticed was that the direct thoughts, such as

Blasted snow, thought Valeryn

and

A simple criminal meddling with the affairs of Otherworld may be the death of me… How can this be?

should be italicized as I did here. If it was already formatted as such in your Word document or whatever, it doesn't get copied over when you paste it here.

Also, I'm not sure exactly what the time period is supposed to be here; I first had an image of a knight, between the fact that he's riding a horse and wearing armor and such, and then when you mentioned a gunshot it totally threw me off. Is this a fantasy world where they actually use guns instead of swords or bows and arrows? If it is, then is the armor made of some kind of special material that bullets can't penetrate? I guess we'll see as the story progresses, but it's just something that caught my eye.

Overall, there's very little for me to grouse about. Your pacing seems good so far; the character development is a bit low right now but that's acceptable at the beginning of the story, especially when it's an action scene; all in all, I'm intrigued and hooked, and I'm excited by the thought of fairies and trolls and such in this story. This is exactly the sort of story I love to read.

Please let me know when you post more, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions or whatnot. Keep up the good work! (:

I love your story, and I would love to read more. I agree though with what ranger hawk has said about the italics. When you italisize thoughts; the reader at first glace is drawn to the thoughts of that character. If a reader is just skimming because they dont have the time or just dont want to take the time to read the whole thing; it really helps to have the thoughts pop out of the story. It gets them to read and like it.

ooo i'm liking the mystery behind it and loving the little snow fairys,it brings out imaginative creatisum and it really hooks the reader, to improve describe the person whos walking around the snow like "his black hair was covered in icy snow and sent chills down his spine" or some thing on the lines of that would pick it up a bit. but it is really good and fun to read.

Hey guys, I must appogize for that, I do have it all italicized and done correctly but I'm new to posting so I didn't know how to make it the way I had it. Thanks for the tip, Hawk, I'll fix it with my next post. As for the era, Think 1700s-ish. The still wore steel plates on the shoulders and he has something of a breastplate. The reason, being that the guns in that era had one shot and it took a long time to reload so swords and such were still very prominent weapons. I'm glad you all enjoyed it, I'll post more when I can!

All that can be said about italicizing has already been said to I'll get right to it:

I really like this as an introduction into your world. One of the first things I noticed about this piece is the lack of traditional Tolkienesque archetypes, which is really great to see. I'm a little sick of Orcs and Elves at the moment and it's great to see something unexpected and an early Imperial age setting could be really promising, I'm looking forward to reading more about the universe you've created, especially about the 'Otherworld' you've hinted at here.

Keep up the great work.

Tyler wrote:As for the era, Think 1700s-ish.

Ah, gotcha.

I love it. You did a great job with describing what was going on, I felt like I was really there. I know it's just the first part, so we don't know too much about the story yet. I love your writing style and I hope you post more.

This whole chapter has a lot of mystery and I think it is perfect.
I honestly cannot find anything wrong with the grammar or spelling. Which is something to be proud of.
It makes the reader so curious that they just have to keep reading, which is definitely a good thing. I hope to see many more chapters of The Black Rose in the future. And hopefully one day one a bookshelf.
xoxo
-Kit

I really enjoyed this chapter, it is eerie and very descriptive. But I believe that more dialog might spice it up a bit.

More dialogue is always good haha. If you liked it, would you mind clicking on the "like" button? I wanna know if this stuff is actually good. I don't like my writing.

Tyler wrote:Chapter 1

Blasted snow, thought Valeryn as he nudged his horse forward through the deep white expanse. His heavy white cloak wasn’t even enough to keep him warm in this cold. His nose stung from the biting wind and his cheeks burned as if with fire. Snowflakes landed on his armor and water from melted snow filtered through his layers of garment and chilled his skin. But it was not enough to stop him. His mission would not allow him to become an ice statue, lost in the forest of snow.

A glowing white fairy fluttered by his nose and he smiled.
“Hello, little friend. Where did he go, eh?” The peacekeeper shifted in his saddle and glanced around at the snow-covered trees. Three other fairies darted in and out of the forest and a goblin stared from the gloom of the woods. Wind carried the snowflakes through the air swiftly but softly. Smells of pine and oak filled the air as the wind pushed by. Valeryn closed his eyes and lifted his nose, breathing deeply seeking any unfamiliar scents. Nothing.

The fairy had settled on his horse’s mane and when he opened his eyes again, its almost transparent wings flashed in the sunlight. He reached his hand to it. The little creature set her hand upon his finger and stared up at him with tiny blue eyes. Valeryn sighed and gave a slight nudge to his horse. He had to move on. The horse’s hooves made slight noises through the powdery snow and three shadow larks sang in the treetops but he could hear nothing else.

A gunshot shattered the silence. The fairy darted away towards the forest and Valeryn shifted in the direction of the noise. Something moved among the trees. It was a short distance away, but not too short that Valeryn could be seen. He reigned his horse forward and dismounted tying the steed to a stout maple.

He pulled his rifle from the pouch on his horse and stepped forward in the crunchy snow. He could just hear the shouts of men and what sounded like swords clashing against one another.
Valeryn scooted from tree to tree, sending glances about the forest to be sure that he was alone. It had been some time since he had heard anything… shouting! More gunshots boomed through the trees.
Valeryn darted from cover and sprinted towards the noise.

Not fifty feet brought him to an edge of a large clearing, shrouded in smoke. He stopped and set his back against a tree out of sight and into protection from any shots that might stray his way.
A roar shook the ground and echoed through the trees.
Valeryn sighed, his chin falling to his chest. Despair flowed through his chest and reached down to his toes.
A simple criminal meddling with the affairs of Otherworld may be the death of me… How can this be?

He leaned out and glanced down into the small valley where the men fought and felt terror grip his heart with its icy fingers. He closed his eyes, feeling the hope drain from his body altogether.
The men did not fight against one another.
Valeryn tensed as another roar split the air.
A wood troll.

This is an excellent story, so far, it reminds me of a 14 year old author that I absolutely love.
I have to say that that the topic, or what you are writing about, is a bit unusual, but in a good way. In order for the misspelled names to be considered not misspelled, I would suggest putting them in your online dictionary, as I know those kind of things always annoy me.
Other then that it is a terrific story, I would not listen to anyone else, and edit anything, as it has just the right amount of everything in it...

Hi Tyler! Here to review!

Snowflakes landed on his armor and water from melted snow filtered through his layers of garment and chilled his skin. But it was not enough to stop him. His mission would not allow him to become an ice statue, lost in the forest of snow.

First of all, your beginning introduction was nice. You had some very nicely worded description and the flow was great. One nitpick I have the use of 'water from melted snow' in the beginning sentence here. It seems rather wordy and unnecessary. I would just replace it with melted snowflakes filtered through his layers...

I noticed that you used the word 'the' quite a bit. I know writing in first person is hard but the thing with third person is that you have slightly more words to work with rather than the first person use of "I". When writing, I've become aware of the single repetition of words that can make a piece feel rather boring to read, that being said, I think you should take some time and go back to revise some of your sentence structure a bit and cut out any of the unnecessary 'the' in there. Flex it out, for example this sentence:

The peacekeeper shifted in his saddle and glanced around at the snow-covered trees. Three other fairies darted in and out of the forest and a goblin stared from the gloom of the woods.

The: five
Rewrite...
"The peacekeeper shifted in his saddle, glancing around the snow-covered trees. Three other fairies darted through the white, leafless forest and from the distance, a goblin's beady eyes peered back at Valeryn."
Eh, it's not the best rewrite in the world but do you see where I'm getting at?

Honestly, maybe it's just me. No one else mentioned it but it's something I thought I should point out. ^^

Anyway, all in all this is a beautifully written piece. The whole fairy and peacekeeper aspect here makes it feel rather fairy-taleish but it's not a bad thing, as long as you keep it fresh and stray away from the cliche. If you add a wicked witch, I might cringe a little but what you have is a great setting as of far and you have a basic foundation to work with. Anyway, if you have any questions let me know.

-Shear