Tales of Lemeria: Chapter 1: Wake Up

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I'm back! I worked really hard on this, I think it paid off. I sincerely hope this story takes off, as I like the idea quite a lot. Enjoy x].
PS: It's centered because the YWS format was cutting things off in weird places, and I couldn't fix it. It this proves as a problem to read, let me know and I will try again to fix it. Thanks.
PSS: I totally posted this in the wrong place. Whoops!
[Edit] Dec, 15, 2010 - Edits to first, second, and a little of the third paragraph.

[Edit] Feb, 23, 2011 - Overall, after rereading this chapter I'm really disappointed in how it was written. I will have to rewrite this before going on to Chapter 2. It's not at all how I wanted it to turn out in terms of grammar and writing ability. Knowing more about the future of the story is another thing I didn't know at this time, so that also conflicts with a few things. I'm going to keep this up as a reference but this is far from fixed.

Deep breaths indicated something was definitely not right. My chest felt heavy but my feet felt light. My head was throbbing. I raised my head off the cold ground and opened my eyes. I felt around my environment in an attempt to find out where I was; soft, wet, dirty, were a few of the words I would use to describe it. I could feel the sun beaming down on my back and I looked around to get a better idea of where I was.

The first thing I saw was the last thing I wanted to see. At first I wasn't sure what it was; I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. It had brown leathery looking skin and big eyes on top of its head. It was short and had small thin arms with claws on the end. It grinned at me, revealing its many sharp, blood dripping teeth.

Within the next few moments it started to charge at me. I panicked and forgetting that my body was in any pain I started to shimmy backwards on my stomach in an attempt to put distance between me and the strange beast. It then let out a terrible screech that paralyzed me as it got even closer.

I sat there on the ground as it came to a slow stop at my face. The paralysis was wearing off, I could feel it. The monster grabbed the collar of my now dirty red and black polo and lifted me as far as it could with it's nubby arms. He stared me in the eyes and laughed. It reminded me of one of those crazy scientist from TV.

The next few minutes went by quickly. He raised his claws into the air and swiped them across my face with such force that I was send flying into a nearby tree. The pain was intense and I felt like I was losing consciousness. My vision was fading and all I could see was a blurry version of the beast walking toward me.

I couldn't give up. My body was fighting me in every way it could, but when the monster was in range I lifted my left leg back and with as much force as my body could possibly accomplish I kicked him. I didn't see exactly where he went but I heard the faint sound of footsteps running off in the distance.

I was safe for the moment or so I thought. I tried to stand, using the tree as a support. Now having the time, I wondered where I was and how I got here. What was that strange creature that attacked me? I'm pretty sure I never learned about those in Science class.

After a moment of peace my vision began to come back. My face was bleeding from the attack and my back was in great pain but I endured it and tried to keep walking. I feel to my face, I couldn't keep going. The pain was too great and there didn't seem to be any signs of civilization. "I'm going to die here" I though. The only thing that kept me going was my sister and how if I died here there would be no one to take care of her.[Last sentences to be taken out, irrelevant]


Only a few moments after I heard another noise in a bush to my left. I was hoping it was going to be someone who could save me, anything but another one of those monster. My luck would just keep getting worse. Out of the bush came the monster from before. His left eye was bleeding and his left arm was broken. It was nice to see I had hurt him so much, not so nice to see he had come back to finish the job.

I had no strength left. I didn't want to give up but as much as I tried but body would just not move. He wasted no time moving, he ran at me violently screeching to prevent any interference with his attack. Only a second went by, a flash of light, and then he was dead. His body laid on the ground, cut in half. Blood had splattered on my face, green not red.

I was again falling unconscious, my eyes were slowly closing. Before I could I saw the silhouette of a woman with a blade in her hand. She walked over to me, and bent down. I could see her long brown hair swaying in front of her face and I could faintly hear her voice. I couldn't make out what she was saying, but it was soothing.

My tried to lift my head but only made it a few centimeters before it fell to the ground again.



Coming Soon
Chapter 2
Welcome to Lemeria
Last edited by Derek on Thu Feb 24, 2011 3:42 am, edited 2 times in total.




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Hi! I'm Narniafreak!

First, great job! I really liked this. :)

It was really fast paced that kept me reading and wanting to know what happened next. Also, the way it ended left me wanting to know what happened next and where he was. The descriptions were really vivid and clear.

The first thing I saw was the last thing I wanted to see. At first I wasn't sure what it was, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me;

If he doesn't really know what that creature is, then how can it be he last thing he wanted to see?

with such force that I was send flying

I think you meant "sent" here, not "send"

The pain was intense and I felt like I was losing consciousness.

I noticed many times when talking about pain you use the word pain, yet you don't really describe very much how it feels. I was told, when describing pain you don't use "pain" and you describe it so the reader can "feel" it too and understand how the character feels. Just a thought to try.

he ran at me violently screeching

There's nothing wrong with this, I just wanted to say I really like the idea of this beast creature thing screeching around. It was a really good description that I could picture in my head. Good job! :)

Well, other than that I didn't see too much to change. I think there may have been a few comma errors and other grammar errors but I'm not an expert on all that so I'll leave it for someone else.

Great job for a beginning. It pulled me in and kept me reading. So keep writing! :D

-Narniafreak!

P.S. If you have any questions, need help of any kind, need any other reviews, need to do a review, or anything else feel free to PM me. Thanks! :)




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Deep breathes indicated something was definitely not right.This is wonderful! I was totally hooked, and could not help but think what's wrong? DO NOT change this, it is a great story hook! My chest felt heavy but my feet felt light. My head was throbbing and as I raised my head to open my eyes, they felt like they were glued shut. I felt around my environment in an attempt to find out where I was; soft, wet, dirty, were a few of the words I would use to describe it. I could hear the rushing of water nearby and caught the scent of mint and pine cones.

Great descriptions in this paragraph. I would try to be more personal, however, if the MC is not feeling very well, he would notice the incessant noise of a waterfall, the buzzing of insects, the heat from the sun on his back, and the brightness of the sun as opposed to a more laid-back observation.

I tried again to open my eyes and without hesitation they shot open. The first thing I saw was the last thing I wanted to see. At first I wasn't sure what it was, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me; It had brown leathery looking skin, big eyes on top of it's head, it was short and had small arms with claws on the end. It smiled at me, revealing its many sharp teeth.
How does the MC know that this thing is smiling at him? I get the impression that since the MC immediatly scrambles away from whatever this is, that this is something dangerous or hideous. Is there anyway that you could show us what the MC sees and why he reacts that way without using an expansionable number of sentences?

Within the next few moments it started to run hysterically. I panicked and forgetting that my body was in any pain That phrase did'nt read quite right, I would suggest using a differant word structure. I started to shimmy backwards on my stomach in an attempt to put distance between me and the strange beast. It then let out a terrible screech that paralyzed me as it got even closer. I would like to see the MC struggle a bit more, perhaps he is cornered up against a steep slope and he tries frantically to climb it, but he isn't quick enough. "Paralyzism by Fear" is slightly cliche'd.

I sat there on the ground as it came to a slow stop at my face. The paralysis was wearing off, I could feel it. The monster grabbed the collar of my now dirty red and black polo and lifted me as far as it could with it's nubby arms. He stared me in the eyes and laughed. It reminded me of one of those crazy scientist from TV. Um, try to give us a better description of how the laugh sounded. Was it human? Or more animal? A "crazy scientist from TV" gave me strange connotations of those 1920's black and white films, you know, "Pull the switch! Mwah ha ha ha ha ha ah ah haaa! *cough*cough*"

The next few minutes went by quickly. He raised his claws into the air and swiped them across my face with such force that I was send flying into a nearby tree. The pain was intense and I felt like I was losing consciousness. My vision was fading and all I could see was a blurry version of the beast walking toward me. I don't want you to get gory here, but would'nt there be blood?

I couldn't give up. My body was fighting me in every way it could, but when the monster was in range I lifted my left leg back and with as much force as my body could possibly accomplish I kicked him. I didn't see exactly where he went but I heard the faint sound of footsteps running off in the distance. These are repetitive, please try to vary. Also, where did the MC hit the beast, in the face? Where?

I was safe for the moment or so I thought. I tried to stand, using the tree as a support. Now having the time, I don't think the MC WOULD have the time, after all, that beast might come back! I wondered where I was and how I got here. What was that strange creature that attacked me? I'm pretty sure I never learned about those in Science class.

After a moment of peace my vision began to come back. My face was bleeding from the attack and my back was in great pain but I endured it and tried to keep walking. I feel to my face, I couldn't keep going. The pain was too great and there didn't seem to be any signs of civilization. "I'm going to die here" I though. The only thing that kept me going was my sister and how if I died here there would be no one to take care of her. The things in blue are repititive.

Only a few moments after I heard another noise in a bush to my left. I was hoping it was going to be someone who could save me, anything but another one of those monster Maybe you mean, BUT another one of thos monsterS. My luck would just keep getting worse. Out of the bush came the monster from before.-Repititive. His left eye was bleeding and his left arm was broken. That is a lot for ONE kick! Is this guy a superhero? It was nice to see I had hurt him so much, not so nice to see he had come back to finish the job.

I had no strength left. I didn't want to give up but as much as I tried but body would just not move. He wasted no time moving, he ran at me violently screeching to prevent any interference with his attack. Only a second went by, a flash of light, and then he was dead. His body laid on the ground, cut in half. Blood had splattered on my face, green not red.

I was again falling unconscious, my eyes were slowly closing. Before I could I saw the silhouette of a woman with a blade in her hand. She walked over to me, and bent down. I could see her long brown hair swaying in front of her face and I could faintly hear her voice. I couldn't make out what she was saying, but it was soothing.

My tried to lift my head but only made it a few centimeters before it fell to the ground again.


Okay, so, all in all I really liked the way you started this. It really jumped right into the action.
Mainly though, I want to see some more character development. This guy seemed like a wimp to me, it was like he wanted to faint all over the place! It would be much better is you described the pain; maybe it is even the pain that brings him back to consciousness. Also, it would be nice to see him KNOW faintly, somehow, that he has forgotten how he got there, I would like to see more disconcertment and disorientation. I think he should get a little more creative about how he fends that monster off. Maybe he whacks it with a branch or throws a big rock at it or something. I would like to see you expand on this a bit more. The tempo of the writing is nice, but more needs to happen. He should make a bigger effort to find a town or something or get out of that one area. In other words, if this is a chapter to a novel, it’s a little short.
I like the first person POV, but it is uncommon for a fantasy work and you might be painting yourself into a corner later on.
I'm excited to see what comes next, good luck!
~E.D.
No more countin' dollars... we'll be countin' stars.

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I loved how it starts out suspensful. It really draws the reader in and your fisrt paragraph was excellent! The one thing I want to know is what are his surrounding. I got the wet, soft, and dirty part. I understand at first hes a little preoccupied with beast but when you said "I wondered where I was and how I got here." i think maybe he should actually search his surrounding. Tell me, is he walking in a forest, praire, desert what? Then you went on to explain how he just kept walking and his sister was all that kept him going well like i said where exactly is he walking. i know he doesnt know where he is or where hes going but just give the reader a little something to help picture the characters surrounds otherwise i loved it!




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Hey I'm China Cookie!

Deep breaths indicated something was definitely not right. My chest felt heavy but my feet felt light. My head was throbbing. I raised my head off the cold ground and opened my eyes. I felt around my environment in an attempt to find out where I was; soft, wet and dirty, were a few of the words I would use to describe it. I could feel the sun beaming down on my back and I looked around to get a better idea of where I was.

The first thing I saw was the last thing I wanted to see. At first I wasn't sure what it was, I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. It had brown leathery looking skin and big eyes on top of its head. It was short and had small thin arms with claws on the end. It grinned at me, revealing its many sharp, blood dripping teeth.

Within the next few moments it started to charge at me. I panicked and forgetting that my body was in any pain I started to shimmy backwards on my stomach in an attempt to put distance between me and the strange beast. It then let out a terrible screech that paralyzed me as it got even closer.

I sat there on the ground as it came to a slow stop at my face. The paralysis was wearing off, I could feel it. The monster grabbed the collar of my now dirty red and black polo and lifted me as far as it could with it's nubby arms. He stared me in the eyes and laughed. It reminded me of one of those crazy scientist from TV.

The next few minutes went by quickly. He raised his claws into the air and swiped them across my face with such force that I was send flying into a nearby tree. The pain was intense and I felt like I was losing consciousness. My vision was fading and all I could see was a blurry version of the beast walking toward me.

I couldn't give up. My body was fighting me in every way it could, but when the monster was in range I lifted my left leg back and with as much force as my body could possibly accomplish I kicked him. I didn't see exactly where he went but I heard the faint sound of footsteps running off in the distance.

I was safe for the moment or so I thought. I tried to stand, using the tree as a support. Now having the time, I wondered where I was and how I got here. What was that strange creature that attacked me? I'm pretty sure I never learned about those in science class.

After a moment of peace my vision began to come back. My face was bleeding from the attack and my back was in great pain but I endured it and tried to keep walking. I feel to my face, I couldn't keep going. The pain was too great and there didn't seem to be any signs of civilization. "I'm going to die here." I thought. The only thing that kept me going was my sister and how if I died here there would be no one to take care of her.



Only a few moments after I heard another noise in a bush to my left. I was hoping it was going to be someone who could save me, anything but another one of those monster. My luck would just keep getting worse. Out of the bush came the monster from before. His left eye was bleeding and his left arm was broken. It was nice to see I had hurt him so much, not so nice to see he had come back to finish the job.

I had no strength left. I didn't want to give up but as much as I tried but body would just not move. He wasted no time moving, he ran at me violently screeching to prevent any interference with his attack. Only a second went by, a flash of light, and then he was dead. His body laid on the ground, cut in half. Blood had splattered on my face, green not red.

I was again falling unconscious, my eyes were slowly closing. Before I could I saw the silhouette of a woman with a blade in her hand. She walked over to me, and bent down. I could see her long brown hair swaying in front of her face and I could faintly hear her voice. I couldn't make out what she was saying, but it was soothing.

My tried to lift my head but only made it a few centimeters before it fell to the ground again.


WOW!! This is really good!! I mean HOLY COW!!!!!!!! <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
I look foward to reading more of your work!
Regards:
China Cookie



It is better to take what does not belong to you than to let it lie around neglected.
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