Dagwood's Beast

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Alright, just to prevent confusion, this story switches through different characters but mainly focuses on Adelie and Falon. I haven't exactly established chapters yet because this is only my first rough draft. I hope you enjoy and I will take all the advice i can get.

Falon
Dagwood Boarding School was covered in shadows tonight, the rain pelting the cold dark stone of the outer most walls. Thunder rolled and growled in the far away sky. Acton, my boss, drove through the high black iron fences surrounding the school and pulled up to the front door. He shut off the engine and turned to face me.
Acton spoke quickly and softly, but with a seriousness no one would dare brush off. “Alright Falon, this is the breakthrough we have been waiting for. The attacks originally starting in Little Bristol have moved to this very school. All you have to do is study the five kids who grew up in Bristol, who now go to this school. Find the Beast, and kill him. And remember no distractions. Don’t worry about classes and grades. I’ll deal with that stuff. You just do what you have to. If need be, I’ll send in back up. This is no easy task, but I have faith in you. You are after all my best man.”
I nodded. “I have no intention of failing. I want this as much as you do. I know the importance of this task. If failed the world as we know it will be forever changed drowned in destruction, poverty, death, and so much more. I will do whatever it takes.”
With no more words needing to be said we patted our fists over our heart twice, then brought two fingers to our own foreheads in a salute.
I grabbed my two suitcases from the back and hauled them through the giant solid wood doors.
Adelie
I walked down the long hallway, lit by nothing but old cast iron torches, singing softly to myself. The red carpet was worn from many years of kids dragging their feet, dreading classes. Dagwood was a school for kids with rich parents who just don’t feel like dealing with them. My parents weren’t exactly rich. I kind of volunteered to come here. Instead of my parents wanting to get away from me I wanted to get away from them. They weren’t bad parents they were just too overprotective.
I glanced down at my books. Damnit! I forgot my history book in Mr. Barnes room. I checked my black leather watch. 9:48. If I hurried I could get my book and be back in my room by curfew. Dagwood was a huge school, housing over 800 students. It was 3 stories high with a basement twice the size of the ground floor. You could easily get lost but this was my third year here so I knew it pretty well. Mr. Barnes room is on the second floor. I was on the basement floor.
I turned around to head for the stairs when I ran into Caine.
Caine smiled. “Oh dear little Adelie don’t let me interrupt the sweet sound of your singing voice.”
I didn’t reply and I didn’t continue to sing. Instead I stepped around him or so I tried.
He reached out his arm and pulled me back in front of him. He continued speaking as if I never tried to walk away. “You have always been a quite one. Why is it that you hide such beauty? Long black silky hair.” He ran his hand through it and I cringed away. “Pale blue eyes.” He tugged my chin up with the tips of his fingers making me look into his eyes.” I smacked his hand.
Caine laughed and then pulled me to him kissing me hard on the lips. I dropped my books in an attempt to shove him away but it was no use, he was too strong. He walked me back into the wall pinning me in place. The second he freed my lips I gasped, “Stop!” but he was kissing me again not allowing me to call for help.
Falon
I checked my map. My room was on the basement floor. I followed my map taking complicated directions of left and right. There was no way I was going to learn where all my classes were. Once I found the stairs (heaven forbid there be a damn elevator in this place) I hurried down them and took a sharp left. I stopped short. Down the hall maybe 20 feet away there was a couple locked in a passionate embrace. I turned around walking in the opposite direction not wanting to disturb the two lovers. I would just have to find another way to my room.
I was just about to turn the corner when I heard a breathless “Stop!” full of fear and desperation. I looked back over my shoulder to see the girl shoving at the boy but he held on. “Let go!” she protested.
Suddenly I was walking quickly, forgetting my suitcases. The boy was leaning in for another kiss when I grabbed him roughly by the shoulders and yanked him back. The girl crumpled to the ground in relief. The boy spun around in shock wondering who had stumbled upon them. Before he could say a word I began, “I believe the girl said to stop. Now I don’t know about you but a gentleman would stop when asked, don’t you agree?”
The boy smirked. “You must be new. You obviously don’t know the rules here. Rule number one; I make the rules.”
I laughed in his face. “What book did you get that cliché from?”
The boy didn’t say anything, but his face burned with hatred.
“Yes, I’m new here and no, I won’t be following your rules. Now if I were you I’d be running along now. Strange things happen at night in Dagwood.”
“Indeed they do and if you don’t watch out newcomer you will find out exactly what goes on in the night.” The boy gave one last glance at the girl before walking off.
Once the boy was out of sight I knelt down in front of the girl. Her books were scattered all around her. She wouldn’t look me in the eye. “Are you all right?” I asked but she wouldn’t speak. I saw Adelie scrawled on one of her notebooks. “Adelie? Are you okay?” Saying her name seemed to snap her out of it.
“M’fine. Thanks.” She mumbled and quick gathered her things, standing up and running off down the hall. Not once did she look at me. There was nothing else I could do, so I went back to my things and headed towards my room.




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That is so good! You are going to be writing more of them aren't you?
One little tip could be to explain who Falon is a little more, i got a little confused in the starting paragraph.
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I’m new here and no, I won’t be following your rules. Now if I were you I’d be running along now. Strange things happen at night in Dagwood.”


This is a dialogue line that, well, don't make sense. I notice that a lot of the dialogue didn’t make sense, and, well, they’re slightly cliché. Try reading them out loud sometime, or have a friend read them out loud, that way you can see where things need to be changed.

Okay, so first off, when I read the word "Dagwood" I immediately got the impression that this is either going to be a horror mystery or a Harry Potter look-alike. But I wouldn’t change that. Instead, I would expand on that. Explain what feeling Dagwood evokes in Falon; Is it dread? Unsettlement? Restlessness? Excitement? Describe what is going through Falon’s head. Descriptions are a must. You should defiantly add more to the setting of the atmosphere. I’m not saying to overdo it, just show us what it is like to be there. In other words, take us there to that location. To do this, show us how the building looks, what the weather is like, how animate objects respond to the atmosphere, how inanimate objects respond. But most importantly, even if you don’t have any of this, show us how the characters respond.

Also, the names given to your characters are, well, unusual. Now, this isn’t a bad thing, but I found them difficult to pronounce. This is a good article to read on naming characters:
http://www.superheronation.com/2007/10/ ... otherwise/
I do like the names though, they help to provide the reader with a sense of, “Wow, this really isn’t your average school.” --And I would not change that.

On a final point, I don’t think you should use first person POV, especially with multiple character viewpoints. Now, you may have read a book where the author effectively used multiple first person POV, but mostly those were experimental works. Here, it is a bad idea. You are painting yourself into a corner and limiting what you can do with the story. Also, I noticed that with first person, you lose a lot of the drama and suspense you could have achieved through third person.
For example:

Dagwood Boarding School was covered in shadows tonight, the rain pelting the cold dark stone of the outer most walls. Thunder rolled and growled in the far away sky. Acton, my boss, drove through the high black iron fences surrounding the school and pulled up to the front door. He shut off the engine and turned to face me.


As opposed to:

Dagwood Boarding School was covered in shadows, the rain pelting against the cold, dark stone of the outer most walls. Thunder rolled and growled in the far away sky. A black car drove up the winding road which led to the school’s entrance and through the high black iron fences surrounding the school. The driver pulled up to the front door and shut off the engine. He turned to face the schoolboy who was sitting next to him.


Other than that, I think you have a great story going here, it’s a perfect start and I think you should keep going.
Please send me a PM when you’ve got another section up.
~E.D.
P.S. Have you decided what genre this is going to be in? Is it just fantasy or is it going to be more of a mystery?
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Hey JayBe,
This is my first real review so bear with me. : )


"All you have to do is study the five kids who grew up in Bristol, who now go to this school."

I don't think you should add the who go to this school part. We already know that they go to this school.


"I checked my black leather watch."

I checked my black, leather watch


"The boy didn’t say anything, but his face burned with hatred."

Now this may be just me, but this Caine guy seems to be a really cocky kid. I find it hard to believe that he would blush and say nothing.


So I know it's kinda crappy, but that's all I could find. And really you don't have to listen to me. If you believe it's good the way it is, then it is. I really liked your story though. Let me know if your going to continue
<3 Aubrey
Nowhere to go, I'm not going, not leaving
I'm not kissing you goodbye
On my own I'm nothing, just bleeding
I'm not kissing you goodbye
Kissing You Goodbye by The Used



The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.
— T. H. White