Young Writers Society

I haven't really posted anything lately, so I just decided to post this. I wrote this last weekend. Enjoy and review!!!

I can't sleep
because of all the stress you've put on me
It cramps my hand
and hurts my brain
It even hurts to say your name
But it also hurts if you don't come
The burning sensation of 1000 exploding suns
When you're here, there is also much pain
Like the emptiness that comes with rain
There is some fear that somehow you forgot
The good times and that I love you a lot
Maybe its time to let you go
With that comes the coldness of snow
In the car my heater is running
Exactly the warmness of what I am longing

I would never call myself a poet or an officianado (sp?) but I enjoyed this.

Emotion clearly read and felt through your words, i enjoyed the subtle rhyming and the flow.

Not much more I can say.

Good Job!

I like this poem. It has a lot of emotion and is easy to understand, and is not to "boo-hoo I love you don't leave me!" mushy stuff that I am sick of seeing everywhere *breath*. Anyways, it flows really well, and the rhymes are not stressed like other poems that I have read, which show's you've got skill.
No real corrections to make from me...
Nice poem!
§shiney1§

I had to re-read this poem a couple times to connect the dots between it and the title, but now I see....sort of

Like the emptiness that comes with rain

I like this part because I've always like the smell of rain, but never associated it with a feeling of emptiness, but again, I sort of see

Your poem is beautiful because it sounds like you had a feeling, a strong emotion, and you ran with it on paper and BOOM! a poem that is unique and special because YOU wrote it. Keep your pen in hand and write write write!

Hello, I am Masque, and I shall be reviewing your poem today!

Rayneisthename wrote:When you're here, there is also much pain
Like the emptiness that comes with rain

I really like these lines. They're very affective.

Rayneisthename wrote:There is some fear that somehow you forgot
The good times and that I love you a lot

This line and the one above it seem a little unclear. What fear? Why did they forget it? Because the first line is not a complete sentence, it kind of suggests that the fear and the good times have something to do with each other, which is slightly confusing. It kind of depends how you read it, but it confused me the first time I read the line. Also, you've used the word "that" once in the last three lines. Maybe try rewording it?

Rayneisthename wrote:Maybe its time to let you go
With that comes the coldness of snow
In the car my heater is running
Exactly the warmness of what I am longing

Most of the rhymes have been pretty good, but these two, especially the last two seem a bit forced.

So, I kind of have an issue with poems and stanzas. It's a bit of a style thing, but I prefer poems to be broken up into stanzas. It helps break up the thoughts so it makes more sense, so you could try that. Also, there is no punctuation. Punctuation is important to help get the point across to the audience and tell them when they should pause.

Overall, I liked it!
Write on!

Thanks for all the reviews! @ Butterfinger- There really is no special connection between the poem and the title for the readers, because it is more of a personal thing. It actually is the title of a band that him and I like. But I loved all of your reviews! You guys make me feel special!!! THANK YOU!!!
-Rayne