Nobody pays attention the middle of a story anymore. You get hooked on the beginning, and the ending is what you will re-read the book for, what most people flip to find out if they even want to buy the book. Here comes the middle, the turmoil. There wasn't some fascinating spontaneous start to their relationship. It wasn't exciting, it hooked them, but if the beginning of their relationship was a romance novel, it certainly wouldn't have earned any awards or a place on any to be read list. They started as so many young couples do; as a one night stand that stuck. There was nothing romantic, and honestly it was sort of shameful, in a, you either laugh when telling the story or cry; it's the kind of beginning you lie to your parents about. They were now somewhere in the middle of their relationship, the beginning was over, the ending wasn't here yet. Lara, the heroine of this story was not like most hero's, she had the body that resembled her mothers... now, not her mother back when her mother was skinny and hot, she had her mother's body now, after 2 kids, the shitty part was she hadn't even had kids yet. John was the hero. A man full of pride, which exemplified his star sign of Sagittarius, and lived life to the fullest, including his stomach which had doubled in size since their first meet. Of course their first meet was not a very good preview of what would be. Lara was at her peak of fitness, being not fit at all but being 19 on a diet of alcohol and the foods that made the rolling stomach disappear the day after; and John was just out of high school, his body still rigid from the 5 different sports teams he played on, and of course the body building that accompanied such a life style. Now they were tubby, the tubby couple as John said with some humor and softness and Lara said with bitterness and contempt.
But that was them, the couple. It felt to everyone that they had been around as an item much longer then they had, when in reality they were just early in their relationship. Hell marriage was still a no-no topic, though it weighed heavily on Lara's mind. They were almost at 3.5 years, depending on who's version of their anniversary it was; John went by when he got the balls together to finally ask her to go "steady", a week after that they had officially moved in together, and Lara goes by their first "date", 6 months after that John asked her to go steady and 6 months 1 week later they moved in together, a much more story appropriate timeline. They were common law, since the beginning of their relationship rushed by in a flurry of non-existent romance, childish drama and general hurt feelings and stubbornness. Lara wondered how in the hell she made it through it, at 19 it seemed love could conquer all; at 22 it felt as if love was only a minor player in a relationship working.
That was how she felt as she drove the short way home from work. She had her new job and he had his old job and the new part time one he used, in her mind, as an excuse not to be around her. He said it was for their future, as far as she could tell it was an excuse to spend more money. She would come home to an empty house and imagine that it was nice and fun to have time to herself. It was really boring, she wanted to be around him and spend time with him, he just didn't seem to want that. Of course as soon as he did get home, she was so pissed about being left at home alone that she would get into a fight with him almost immediately. She knew she did it, did she try to stop? Yes, did she succeed? No. It was a never ending problem and more often she was wondering why she was here. Was this really love or was she just pretending, just lying to herself? Did he wonder the same things? Probably not, she was starting to imagine John as this mindless child. Uncaring and unconscious of anybody else's feelings or thoughts. That probably wasn't right, but she felt that way.
She parked her car in the underground parkade of their building. She walked away from the family style sedan, listening for the beep signaling it was locked and alarmed. With eight thefts in the parkade alone, she wasn't willing to let the one vehicle she had go to the river to be burned after a joy-ride. The walk to the elevator was annoying; their landlords had gotten the shittiest parking spot in the whole building. She guessed that somebody had to get it, but why them? Oh because everything about this building was shitty. From the drug dealers in 303 to the crack heads every second door in the building. It was ridiculous. And they lived in a building that had just opened up for occupancy the past December. Ridiculous! Her pity party continued up the elevator, down the hallway to their apartment. She knew what would welcome her. Two cats, two kittens, and the pile of clothes that John habitually left right in front of the door. Yes she appreciated that he didn't want to drag whatever he got on him during the work day through the house, but come on! it meant she had to shove the door open as the heavy work pants would almost always get stuck under the door, then walk (trip) over the boots and dirty shirts and underwear, then she would be able to take her shoes off, clean it up (if the initiative stroke) and relax; all while guarding the hallway from the kittens who were trying to make a break for it. It was no surprise to her that the bathroom fan was left on, that the clothes were left where she knew they would be and that the little mat/towel thing for drying your feet off was still onto he floor not hanging on the edge of the tub. John would run out the door because he spent 45 minutes showering and not have time to clean up after himself. "Daddy will be home soon." She said to the cats that cried at her. They loved the attention John gave them, why? Because he never gave them attention. They were just like her, begging for scraps thinking that when the scraps where given they were like a whole meal. Then ending up starving ten minutes later. Wow was she in a bad mood or what? The whole quitting smoking thing must be to blame. Not her shitty life/relationship.
Lara checked the food in the cat dishes and their water, the summer was a hot one, and the cats' water dishes showed that. Despite the air conditioner being on all day they were still drinking lots, though, she corrected herself, she was not complaining about that. "I must be grumpy" She said to her momma kitten. Momma Kitten stared up at her half winking at her, it was her look. After having her for a year she still didn't completely understand what it meant but liked to think she was agreeing with her wisdom. Lara opened a container of wet cat food and laid it out for the cats, one was good enough for them, and they all rarely finished one anyway. Now that the cat's dinner was taken care of, she wondered what she would eat. Making dinner seemed futile. She'd just have to do more work afterwards with cleaning it up. It was just sad to make dinner only for herself. So she sat with a bottle of water and a couple slices of processed cheese and tried to think that this was what she wanted, it was her choice, to be alone after her work day.
The television helped to make the next 4 hours fly by in a flurry. She always felt pathetic, coming out of her TV coma, that she had wasted an evening, watching TV and waiting for him. She didn't mind waiting for him, but she always wished she had done something productive. Read a book, wrote a blog, learned to play John's guitar that was sitting in the corner, went out with friends and had coffee. The later she often did succeed in. Most of her friends didn't mind, it was almost like she had work days too. Whenever John was home she was unavailable, everybody knew it, and they asked if he was working before they asked if she was available. The fact of that made her feel pathetic. Those in steady relationships understood why she did it; those who weren't, or were too cynical often rolled their eyes at her, as if she didn't know what she was doing! Lara huffed and watched the change in minutes on her cell phone. He was late again. She gave him a half an hour after shift, then another 20 after that. He often had to work late to help close and it took about 20 min to get back from across town. But it was now an hour afterwards. Those 20 minutes had doubled for driving time. "Should I call him?" Lara asked the kitten that was sprawled across the couch, on the verge of falling of the edge. She only stared up at Lara waiting for the next few scratches. When Lara complied she closed her eyes and purred loudly. Considering she was a kitten the size of John's hand it was a fantastic amount of sound to come out of something so small. Lara sighed and realized she had to call him, she would be more pissed if she didn't, imagining he was doing something horrible. She would still be a little bit pissed considering he hadn't called her, but a little pissed is better then a lot pissed.
She held down the speed dial number for John and listened to her phone dial out. It rang three times, and before she thought voicemail would kick in she was surprised with a blast of wind noise from the other side of the line. "Hello?" Was it just her imagination or did she sense annoyance in his voice?
"Where are you?" Defensive annoyance creeped into her own voice.
"Out." He was defensive. How quickly a conversation that could have been lovely turned sharp and rebellious, on both sides.
"John," she sighed. "Are you coming home?" he always came home, but it felt like he never did.
"Of course I am!" He said, He used to sound surprised when she asked him that, now it was rehearsed as a script.
"When?" His line now, to tell me soon, she thought.
"Soon." He paused, "I'm out with Dawne and Steve."
"Ah." Was the only response she could think of? Pain lanced through her as she thought of her old good friend Dawne turned John's evil supervisor, only she wasn't evil to him. Once upon a time she loved Dawne, trusted her unconditionally with her boyfriend, and would call her to hang out. Now she wouldn't even go to John's work because Dawne was there. There was no fight, Dawne just refused to be nice the way she used to. She was snippy, short and generally glared whenever Lara was around. Not to mention Dawne told John that he should dump Lara, was so unhappy when Lara beamed about John finally talking about marriage, you know, back when they were happy. Generally Dawne had gone from being one of the safest friends that Lara had no problem leaving her boyfriend with to a pure and simple frenemy. She resented every time John went to work and she was on shift, she resented her name, her mention, her spoiled self and the memory of how she had tried to convince John that Lara was a worthless, nagging piece of shit. So John was out with Dawne and her boyfriend. Of course it was too much to ask that maybe she be invited. "How long have you been off work?" Maybe he was just stopping by on the way home; he hadn't been there long enough for it to be considered 'drinks'.
"For about a hour." he said, there was no caution in his voice, there should have been.
She exploded. That was it, he was out with the bitch who was happy to try and ruin their relationship, who stood by and laughed at her tears, her and her stupid sugar daddy boyfriend (who was actually nice, and she would never fault him if not for his choice in love) but he was with that... witch, and told him just as much. Lara could hear her snide remark on the other side of the phone about how it was "rude" to talk on the phone in front of company and she lost all recognition of logic. John was quiet as she laid out the underlying issues, repeated what she had for months now that the conniving bitch was just that, that she didn't trust her. He took it quietly.
Lara had to check to make sure he was on the phone, and to outraged amazement he had hung up on her! Who knew when, but he had. She would not call him back. No she would not!
She did, she called him right back, and it her tongue when he answered. She was quite for a long time as his pissed of Hello rang through the phone lines. "You hung up." was all she said.
"They can hear." His response.
"Then walk away." her mind screamed to leave that sentence alone, but her stricken heart screamed louder, "or is she more important?" the acid dripping from her words.
"You know that's not true." His sigh was heartfelt; it hurt her deeper then him hanging up, or him refusing to come home to her.
"Then why?"
"I'm having fun, is that such a bad thing?" Guilt, in the last 6 months it had become his greatest weapon.
"Because your fun is hurting me." They were suddenly at an impasse. Would he leave his fun to come home to a miserable her, or would he stay and add one more cut onto her heart?
"I'll be home soon, I love you." She sighed and agreed. He would be home when he came home. She would wait up, or try. Then fall asleep hoping he would come in quickly.
The rest of her night flew along as expected. She got ready for bed, tried to stay awake as she watched the shadows of leaves dancing in the moonlight, then faded off to sleep, alone.
Dreams haunted her. They weren't nightmares, they were happy dreams. Why did they haunt her? Because she had a sneaking suspicion that dreams about relationships always meant the opposite. They were happy, in this dream world. She no longer cared about their weight and was happy to have a little bit of time alone while he worked, because, in the end, he wanted to come home to her. He wanted to be with her. They stood in a park, one she hadn't been to since their first few months. They had played in that park; she barely remembered it to be honest. The creaky twin set of swings. The small roofed slide and the lone monkey bars. The rest was field, pocketed with puddles of mud. Surrounded by blackberry bushes and weeds, a path weaving off to the ditch on the other side of the overgrown berries, another to the cul-de-sac it was based off of. They were happy, it was winter. She was bundled, and her breathe raced out in happy puffs like some insanely joyful smoke machine. He giggled along with her. The kind a man makes when he's too happy to care what he sounds like. She hadn't heard that laugh in a long time. IT rang unknown to her subconscious ears. She vaguely remembered it, like the laugh was a dream from far ago. Something that never really happened, but it felt like it did. So distant and vivid that it had become a memory itself, not a memory of a dream. They stood with the snow blowing around them; she was smiling up at him. The world feeling like a greeting card. It was dark; there were dangers outside their blackberry enclosed park. But for right now, it was their world. She ran from him, slowly loping, and then speeding up as he gave chase to her. Soft snowballs were half-hazardly thrown back and foreth. Lara launched herself onto the swing so her stomach rested on the seat. Her arms flew out like she was flying and her heart felt like how it did when she was a child, when dreams came true and love made you happy all over. Her descent came quickly with her hair flying in front of her until her feet touched the snow again and she spinning and running like her heart. And there he was, John, smiling at her like the world was held in her eyes. Like he could spend forever loving her. The look spoke the same volumes her heart did.
