An Empty Schoolhouse

Building that once taught, and educated you,
that made you a man, made you 'King for day'
Jester for life. Trapped in a circle filled with
equations of success, secrets of aspirations
beyond your grasp. I hope the throne was
worth it all.

You remember the days you
painted outside the lines,
to escape montony of it all,
a quick stroke there, a dab
all around, the time was
short the notice was worthless.

Like a bent fork you stood out.

Useless.

Painting by numbers a complete
routine, death by ostacization
your mistake.

Well. The ideas in the first stanza don't leave the first stanza. It speaks mostly of what is later on in life. It sounds somewhat like a highschool or a middleschool. The only idea carried, in this stanza, to the rest of the poem is the sticking out, jester idea. Which isn't even expanded upon, so it really makes no sense, or better yet, I don't see why it's even worth mentioning.

The first stanza seems to be pretty much useless. Try reworking it to fit the rest of the poem. Perhaps if you mentioned something about writing on the board, and how it would compare to painting outside the lines.

As for the rest of the poem, I don't have too much of a problem with it.
One of the problems is that there's a sever lack of imagery. Which isn't too much of a problem since your poem is short. But it's something to consider.

Also, your ideas are a bid vague, montony of it all. What is that? Is it the shuffling of kids at the lunch line? What is it? There's not a lot for us to picture and see what happens.

Try showing a bit more than telling us this. But this is also somewhat minor, just another thing to consider.

I also believe that you have a few unneeded lines. Like: the time was short. What good is mentioning that? You even hint on it when you say a quick stroke. Quick, so you're moving at a faster pace? Why would that be? Oh, he's rushing / not a lot of time.

Perhaps a few more connections in this poem, or just a bit more meat / imagery could help to make it more understandable. More examples of what this poem is about.

Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1. (sorry if I messed up)

Hi there!
This poem is intriguing. I like how you did something unique with the idea of "coloring outside the lines." You turned a cliche into a crisper and sophisticated picture. So for that, kudos! As for the first stanza, I love the diction and the tone of it, but I'm wondering how it with the title ties into this mystery man who doesn't paint by numbers. I'm guessing (but correct me if I'm wrong, because I'm just guessing), that it's criticizing the school system that messed up the other character and made him turn awry or something like that.

Anyway, this piece is thought provoking and refreshing. I don't really have any specific suggestions to making it better, except for to somehow tie the whole piece together by changing the title or making "The Empty Schoolhouse" more of a major part of the poem; that could help solve some of the ambiguity in the first stanza. Thanks for sharing!

Hi LastPaladin,

This was a good poem, it really was. If I'm not mistaken, it's a person has moved on with their life, their life which is nothing like it was in school. I do agree with one of the reviewers, it could be expanded, made a bit more clearer, especially the part when you write "Jester for life." How so?

A few grammatical things - start the poem of with "A building" not "building" and "King for a/the day". And perhaps a bit more imagery, I really missed it in this!

With a bit more work, it'll be great! Best wishes for future writing!

RedLeaf

Hiya.
The concept of your work was great, I love the way you used different words to fit in together. The only thing was the rhythm wasn't flow-ey and it was a bit start and stop, for me anyway.
I agree with a comment made previously that the ideas in the first part didn't leave it. I think that if you continued with some ideas- even using repition in your layout would have made this work more enthralling.

Anyway, keep on writing!
MissMadHatter