Christmas Magic

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The fireplace was lit as I laid next to it under my favorite snowflake blanket.

The orange flame sparked.
I sipped on some hot cocoa and took in the smell of burnt wood. This was how my Christmas was going to be spent. It's just perfect right here. Nothing happens, all you do is lay down and think of nothing.

"Hey sweetie," my mom whispered into my ear.

I jumped and looked at her.
Her black short hair shaped her face as she spoke.

"Can you go get Aunt Molly please?" she asked softly.

"Sure," I nodded.

Aunt Molly lived across the street, so clearly, it wasn't far.
I got up, leaving my blanket on the hardwood floor.
I walked through the walkway and into the small gingerbread colored front room. I slid on my boots and put on my puffy green coat.
I put on my gloves, scarf and hat and was ready to go out.

"Wait!" mom ran toward me and I kept my hand on the door handle.

"What?"

"Are you bundled up? It's freezing outside!" she stared to pick at my coat and squishing me.

I smiled widly.

"Yeah, I'm good. I alwyas walk to Aunt Molly's, everything will be fine mom." I assured her.

She returned the smile and stuffed another scraft down my coat.

"There, you'll be warmer. Come fast sweetie!"

Once I opened the door the cold snowy air hit my face. I shut the door and blinked. The snow was flying onto my face and it was freezing cold. I could barely see anything but white.
The snow storm was supposed to be tomorrow not today.

I pushed through the thirty miles per hour winds and looked around. The snow reached up to my knee and I was five foot fifteen!
I kept on pushing as the cold air ran down my whole body. I shivered and kept on blinking. The snow was blinding me.

"Crap," I whispered when I bumped into something.

Or was it someone?
I fell, butt first into the snow and felt the coldness pour into my pants. Walking across the street was survival in the winter.

I couldn't see anything! The wind was slowing down a bit once I got off the cold snow.
I whipped my hands down my pants and saw something get up. Well, it had to be someone then.

I looked up and saw the person.
My heart stopped completely.
His blue eyes brought me back to the summer's in Florida. His brown hair gave me the memory of the hot chocolate I just drank.

"Sorry," I spit out remembering that I bumped into him.

"It's okay," He smiled and his pearly whites shown.

I smiled right back.
My stomach flipped a couple more times.
I didn't feel comfortable in my skin at that moment because I was wearing a fat coat. I looked like one of those Sumo Wrestlers!

I clenched my teeth from the cold as the wind pounded down on my back.

"Where are you headed?" he asked.

I pointed at my Aunt's house and said ,"There," softly.

My mouth was frozen. I felt something cold run down my back, pants, and coat. Snow was everywhere on me.
The wind picked up.

"Why don't I help you then; it's a terrible storm today." he suggested.

His voice was so remarkable. No one else in this entire world had that voice. No one.
I smiled, but I was pretty sure he didn't see it.
But, he smiled back.

"That would be great." I replied.

He held onto my hand and pulled me. We walked through the two and a half foot snow as slowly as we could.

Now, how are my relatives gonna come? The snow is not going to help us here!

His warm hand clutched onto mine tighter and I felt safer. The wind pushed onto my back, causing me to trip.
He caught me before I could fall. My heart skipped a beat and I felt like I was melting to his touch.

"Be careful the winds are picking up." he informed me.

But all I did is stare into his blue blue blue blue eyes...
It's like they were hypnotic. The hypnotists should use his eyes for whatever they do.

He let me stand on my own and we went forward. We were half way there...
I held his hand tighter and followed him.
We reached the drive way, which was covered by the white beauty as well.

"Thanks, " I said.

"No problem, any time." he replied.

"Uh, What's your name?" I asked simply.

He chuckled and replied "Charles,"

What a beautiful name. It sounds so, so, what was that word? Oh, right. Royal.

"I'm Lea," I smiled.

He smiled back.
That smile made my heart pound faster.

"I guess I'll see you later," he said.

"Yeah, I guess so. But, thank you so much Charles!" I greeted.

"No problem," he repeated.

He waved to me, I waved back.
Last edited by Nike on Fri Dec 17, 2010 1:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.
"If I look like a monster,' he says roughly, 'then no one will be surprised when I do monstrous things." - A.B. Poranek




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Hi, Nike! :D

This story was so cute! I really liked some of the description of Charles you used. The hypnotic eyes ("blue blue blue blue" part was awesome), the pearly whites, the ridiculously proper manners -- I want some Charles in my life.

There were a couple things I noticed, one of them being Lea's height. You say she's 5 feet and 15 inches tall. That's not the proper way of telling someone's height. This converts to 6 foot, 3 inches, which I suggest you use instead of 5'15 and making the reader do mental math. xD

So in a more general review, I noticed your paragraphing might need some work. Every couple of sentences, we start a new line. We don't need that though! Paragraphing groups an idea into one block of text so that the reader can better keep track of what's going on. Separate paragraphs by subject. If you're describing the weather in a few consecutive sentences, put that all in one paragraph. It kind of works like poetry in that you should be able to get away with a slight pause after each paragraph. So when you form a new paragraph every couple lines, it feels like you're having a heart attack by how many pauses you have! xD Here's a small example from your text:

I pointed at my Aunt's house and said "There," softly.

My mouth was frozen. I felt something cold run down my back, pants, and coat. Snow was everywhere on me.
The wind picked up.


Change this to: I pointed at my Aunt's house and said, "There," softly. [Don't forget that comma after "said!"] my mouth was frozen. I felt something..." and finish that sentence. This is just one example that you can keep in mind as you edit.

A third comment will be on the content again. If it's a blizzard outside as bad as this, why did her mom not make such a big deal about it? xD My mom would be all over me and how bundled up I should be, making sure I have some sort of scarf to cover most of my face, etc. Her mom didn't seem worried enough to send her out in a blizzard. I'd probably take a look at Mom again and work some mom-stuff into her.

Overall though, I think the story is cute! With some edits, this can totally work out as a wonderful story. ^_^

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!
I make my own policies.




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I enjoyed this and agree with teh above comments.

The paragraphs make reading quite choppy. I would have enjoyed a bit more description earlier on. Get me into the mood of laying beside a glowing fireplace before sending me into the bitter cold of winter (what part of the world).

I think this could be extended into a lot more. Some elaboration in certain parts would certainly ease my curiousity.. but then again so would reading more :D

Keep on keepin' on

Deirdre




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Great idea, I love the whole Christmas-y love theme, especially since Christmas is very close. Like the previous comments, more elaboration would fill in some gaps, and make it feel more full, but it was great nontheless!

MissMadHatter
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Christmas passed, but I want Christmas to come back just because of this story!
Michelle
Hope you like my 'Books'!
Kocham Cie(:
-Michelle




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In it you miss spelled always and scarf..But i really love a story where you can actually get a visual in your head of what it would be like..I really think it could have been improved by not separating all the paragraphs so shortly
It could be a good idea to vary the length in them more
But other than all of that its a great story!! :D
Oompa Loompa something something something :)




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That was really cool! I liked the description in your story. I've read some of your previous stories, and I know how much talent and potential you have. I could totally picture every scene in this story, maybe because we just got a foot of snow! Anyway, great job!
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