Waiting for Morning

I remember you walking through the door.
You were a mess, all tangles and grime and tears.
And your pretty little shoes, they had gotten so dirty out in the rain and mud.
I wished I could make them clean again, but there was no hope.
You just sat on the floor and cried.

I didn't know what to do.
So I didn't do anything.

Eventually you stood up, smiled at me,
assured me that everything was ok.
I knew it wasn't.
And the slam of your car door was a promise
that you wouldn't be coming back.

In the rain your taillights sparkled like rubies.
They were so beautiful that I couldn't watch them disappear.
I just closed my eyes and whispered,
"Sorry."

I wish that it had all ended there;
that I had left it at an unheard apology.
But humans have a sick desire to fix,
even if what they're fixing is beyond repair.

So I called you over and over,
torturing you,
making sure my name bounced perpetually
off the walls of your skull.

I kept pushing, and it was the flowers that finally broke you:
bouquets of petunias and lilies and irises
that I nestled among the planters on your doorstep.
You took me back.

And now I'm laying in bed with you,
watching your chest flutter and fall as you dream.
I'm waiting for the sun to rise
so I can tell you that you never should have given in.

In that morning light I'll kiss you
and look at my feet as I explain that I betrayed you again.
My taillights will shine like rubies as I drive away.
But I know that you won't close your eyes
until they disappear.

Hi there! I liked the perspective of this piece. The emotion was constant throughout without being over-the-top, and the imagery of the taillights shining like rubies was particularly thoughtful.

First off, a grammar issue that needs resolution:

I just closed my eyes and whispered:
"sorry".

The period goes inside the quotation marks, unless you're from the UK. If you are, forget I said anything.

Secondly, most of your lines are very powerful, but these lines seem weak in comparison.

I'm waiting for the sun to rise
so I can tell you that you never should have taken me back.

You use the phrase "take me back" in the previous stanza, so it sounds repetitive. Maybe say "you never should have let me through the door" or something else instead.

In that morning light I'll kiss you
and look at my feet as I say that I don't feel for you anymore.

I like the "look at my feet" part, but the "don't feel for you anymore" is wimpy. The rest of the poem is so poetic, and that line just isn't. I don't know where you want to go with this, but if I were you, I'd mention how the narrator can't be the hero anymore.

Other than that, my only thought is that you don't say much about the sunrise, and from the title, I assumed that was the focus of the poem. You can do a lot with that image if you choose to, but if you don't, I'd consider renaming the piece so it focuses on the taillights; as is, that is the more memorable image that I walk away with.

Thanks for sharing! PM me if you have questions or comments!

Nightshade wrote:I remember you walking through the door.
You were a mess, all tangles and grime and tears.
And your pretty little shoes, they had gotten so dirty out in the rain and mud.
I wished I could make them clean again, but there was no hope.
You just sat on the floor and cried.
Okay, so you did something, and then she walked through the door? It at first sounded like something else had happened involving someone else, and then it someone changed to something that you did. I don't really understand what happened here, because it seems like you would have had a conversation or something before she left. I dunno.


I didn't know what to do.
So I didn't do anything.

Eventually you stood up, smiled at me,
assured me that everything was ok. This, even for a passive-aggressive girl, seems a bit odd. She was just sitting on the floor in front of you and crying, and then gets up and says it's all good?
I knew it wasn't.
And the slam of your car door was a promise
that you wouldn't be coming back. Really nicely executed three lines right here. Simple, blunt, concise.

In the rain your taillights sparkled like rubies. Great simile.
They were so beautiful that I couldn't watch them disappear.
I just closed my eyes and whispered,
"Sorry."
Wonderful stanza.

I wish that it had all ended there;
that I had left it at an unheard apology.
But humans have a sick desire to fix,
even if what they're fixing is beyond repair. Nice- I think that I might replace the period in the middle with a comma. Just personal taste though, to make it a little smoother.

So I called you over and over,
torturing you,
making sure my name bounced perpetually
off the walls of your skull.

I kept pushing, and it was the flowers that finally broke you. Maybe a colon here instead?
Bouquets of petunias and lilies and irises
that I nestled among the planters on your doorstep.
You took me back.

And now I'm laying in bed with you,
watching your chest flutter and fall as you dream.
I'm waiting for the sun to rise
so I can tell you that you never should have given in.

In that morning light I'll kiss you
and look at my feet as I explain that I betrayed you again.
My taillights will shine like rubies as I drive away.
But I know that you won't close your eyes
until they disappear.

So, all that stuff I didn't comment on? That stuff was freakin' gorgeous.


Overall:
Really beautifully expressed. I loved the change in tense- it really added another dimension to the piece as a whole, as did the parallelism in the end. Great language. There were a couple of things I mentioned, that were mostly rhythm nitpicks. Otherwise, excellent.

-Coral-

Corrections and stuff are bolded.

Nightshade wrote:I remember you walking through the door.

You were a mess, all tangles and grime and tears. - This should be a ,

And your pretty little shoes, they had gotten so dirty out in the rain and mud. - I'm not sure, but can rain dirty shoes?

I wished I could of make them clean again, but there was no hope. - This is just a suggestion but I thought it sounded better as 'could of made'

You just sat on the floor and cried.

I didn't know what to do.
So I didn't do anything.

Eventually you stood up, smiled at me, - I also thought this might be an and, it sounds better in my head.

assured me that everything was ok. - I'm usually not to picky with this but I'll remind you that in the dictionary it is capitals 'OK'

I knew it wasn't.
And the slam of your car door was a promise
that you wouldn't be coming back.

In the rain your taillights sparkled like rubies.

They were so beautiful that I couldn't watch them disappear. - This sounds dodgy. If something was so beautiful, I wouldn't look away. But that's just me. Also wouldn't it be better if he said full of memories, because I thought he would be quite depressed at this point

I just closed my eyes and whispered:

"sorry". - This should be on the inside of the "" 's

I wish that it had all ended there; - The part is in past tense so it should be wished

that I had left it at an unheard apology.

But my humans have a sick desire to fix, - This could be anyone, but I figured you meant the persons parents. But I would change it to parents just in case someone comes across it and doesn't understand.

even if what they're fixing is beyond repair.

So I called you over and over,
torturing you,

making sure my name bounced perpetually - I googled this and it says it means continuing forever. I know this is a hard phrase to put in a word but it wouldn't continue forever would it? (I skipped to the end)

off the walls of your skull.
I kept pushing, and it was the flowers that finally broke you.
Bouquets of petunias and lilies and irises

that I nestled among the planters on your doorstep. - This may be me, but I don't understand, did you mean plants?

You took me back.

And now I'm laying in bed with you, - This is past tense, whereas you are now in present tense.

watching your chest flutter and fall as you dream.
I'm waiting for the sun to rise

so I can tell you that you never should have taken me back. - This is personal opinion, but I like 'should have never taken me back'

In that morning light I'll kiss you
and look at my feet as I say that I don't feel for you anymore.
My taillights will shine like rubies as I drive away.

But I know that you won't close your eyes - Do you mean open, just like the male did?
until they disappear.

duuuuuuuuuude........... Wow. honest? great great job.