The Story Board

2 posts
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Gender Female
Points 1040
Reviews 22
We're not who we used to be,
that much is certain.
Still, nothing can stop us
if we want it back.
But we have become too lost
Between the pages
that illustrate today and
Outline our tomorrows.

We've forgotten how to write,
take our pens to paper,
And recast our days
Like the novel we had written,
long before we spoke.
We stretch and try to grasp it
but it's out of reach.
Whenever might we graze it,
cold shall it remain.

Then comes the inevitable.
We give into it,
The prying relocation
of our tortured souls.
Find a place to nest it in,
deep within ourselves.
If we forget that we have lost
The War against Words
Then we may find solstice here,
Deep within our plot.
'Writing is a socially acceptable form of schizophrenia' - E.L. Doctorow.




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Gender None specified
Points 92255
Reviews 1748
Overall this was pretty good. I only have some minor nitpicks, one of which is silly.

We're not who we used to be,
that much is certain.
Still, nothing can stop us
if we want it back. [want...what back? Who we used to be?]
But we have become too lost
between the pages
that illustrate today and
outline our tomorrows.

We've forgotten how to write,
take our pens to paper,
and recast our days
like the novel we had written,
long before we spoke.
We stretch and try to grasp it [again, grasp what? The novel?]
but it's out of reach.
Whenever might we graze it,
cold shall it remain. [this line just kind of bugs me, but I'm not sure why, so I guess you can ignore this]

Then comes the inevitable.
We give into it,
the prying relocation
of our tortured souls.
Find a place to nest it in, [should that be "it in" or "in it"? it's good either way, just making sure it's the way it's supposed to be]
deep within ourselves.
If we forget that we have lost
the War against Words
then we may find solstice here,
deep within our plot.


All the emboldened first letters are just lines where you capitalized them even though it wasn't the start of the sentence. Ordinarily I wouldn't bug about this, but since you started off with having only the beginning of the sentence capitalized, I think it'd be nice to remain consistent and do that throughout.

Otherwise, very good, and I loved the last two lines. I heartily agree...

~Blue



It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on another.
— JRR Tolkien