Plum No. 7

I want to feel the crush
of your lips to mine -
the lower is rougher and I wonder
why I feel your skin through my tongue,
like a barb soaking with desperation,
we are parting with laboured disgust
of ourselves.


I find you in my bed at night,
when the lights are warm,
ghostly reminders of themselves,
the reflection of you in the corner mirror
like a menage a trois I never paid for
- You're more expensive than your sister,
I wonder how we came to be
apart.

In the crevice of your body
remnants of my lipstick,
Plum no 7: Rage,
traces your curves, stuttered and
fading against the white flowered sheets
and you become my metaphor,
where is the lust you represent in
death throes, bucking wild in blind
sight.

This is a bad habit,
one I'm not inclined to break,
though the blisters of my fingers
burst with the touch of you.
It's the knowing of you, needling
my skull, pitched for nonexistence
even inside my breath.
Pressuring the teeth like a clamp.
This is what we have in ourselves,
a fine realising of notation -
there are two of us to one bed.

I have one idea.

The second stanza throws everything off. It seems unconnected to the first and the third stanzas. As well as it's last line being somewhat unconnected from the rest of the stanza. The ideas ofcourse are related, but what is the second stanza really adding? other than you don't know why you're apart and you remember being togeather.

Atleast, I think... Well, I tried.

Good luck, pengu.
Keep writing as always and sorry if I messed that up.
Silented1.

Oohh, interesting title, attention-grabbing. And a poem that makes you think and has deeper, implicit meaning? Very nice.

I had to read this a couple of times to make sense of it (which I think is how a lot of good poetry is, and should be), but---just to clarify, I have the impression that your plum is some sort of prostitute, or the very least some sort of skanky high school girl who the narrator managed to get in bed with him. I hope I'm somewhat close in my interpretation.

Judging from that take on the poem then, I think you've certainly carried the essence of oozing lust and the disgust that comes after it very well. The use of a sweet, purple plum as your metaphor adds to the overall mood of the piece, and I appreciate your diction to help emphasize that mood as well.

The one problem I have with the piece is that it seems to lack development--the poem doesn't really seem to go anywhere. From the very beginning, we get the idea of intermixed pleasure and disgust, the middle confirms this, and the end closes on the same note. While this was all very interesting, perhaps it would add to the meaning of the poem if you made a realization of disgust in the middle of the poem, to contrast the passions of love?

Just my suggestions, of course. I hope I've made myself clear. Anyways, very lovely writing, keep it up!

Really well written at the start but you kind of lost me in the middle, it's sort of...well...random. Great title though, really attention grabbing.