I met a girl today

boredom+bible literacy class+access to YWS= poetry. Who knew? I really need constructive criticism on this because I really liked writing this poem. Thank you!




I'm not sure if it is obvious but the girl was looking in a mirror. Did anyone understand that?

An absolutely fascinating piece. All I can do is congratulate! From "Her eyes were grey pools of melting ice" on every line got better! I really really really like it!

LOVE

I loved it. You did great with the vivid descriptions.Way to go!

Lovely imagery! I liked the winter/summer metaphors actually. The paleness/melting ice versus the coral/pebble/sea. It really creates a sense of that 'contradiction'.

Need to change 'their' (5th line from the bottom) to 'there', didn't catch any other errors after that.

I actually didn't notice the mirror aspect upon first reading. I might've noticed it upon second reading if you hadn't already told me I like this though, good job! My only suggestions on improving this is to put more focus on the second half of this. The first half was great - but the second half when you say "strong and delicate / coarse and smooth..." it is a lovely paradoxical image you're creating, but it's full of abstractions and vagueness, if that makes sense. "Strong" "Smooth" these are broad terms that don't really add anything to the poem. When writing poetry always make sure you choose the exact words to convey your meaning.

For example, when she looks in the mirror and sees this strength, what sense of the word "strong" do you mean? Muscular? Firm?

Or do you mean she's confident? determined? unyielding?

Or do you mean she's powerful? compelling? cunning?

Maybe she's bold? courageous?

Any one of these words can mean 'strong' but when you're writing a poem, you're trying to create an image. If the girl in the mirror is powerful, it creates a more vivid picture than just "strong".

But overall, it was a great poem I hope to see more of your works!

~ Audy

Whoa. I absolutely loved that. In the begining I presumed the narrator was a man because he was speaking about this girl so beautifully. The ending was a great suprise. A really super piece. Beautiful descriptions. Very creative.

She stood behind a pane of glass, housed in a wooden frame.

Probably should have realised she was looking in the mirror. Hehe.

Andie,

This was simply beautiful.
I LOVELOVELOVED the contradictions, and I think this piece was wonderfully written!
Before I read the note at the bottom, I thought it was a painting haha.
Overall, this was awesome!

Love,
QL798

Andie wrote:I'm not sure if it is obvious but the girl was looking in a mirror. Did anyone understand that?

I didn't know that until you said it. It wasn't all that clear to me. I have to say that I'm not a huge fan of un-rhyming poems but this was different

Andie wrote:Strong and delicate
Coarse and smooth
Beautiful and deadly

This was my favourite part, quite powerful. However the line before:

Andie wrote:She was a contradiction

isn't really something that needs to be there. Other than that it was great

thank you all for your help, I'll be sure to work on this some more!

cool poem. it sounded like the girl was evil. it didn't sound like the girl was looking in a mirror. the poem was well writen.

I really liked your poem. Its full of description and you used great similies and metaphores! Write more so I can read them!!!

Your imagery was beautiful, poems that aren't quite straightforward have to have captivating language to draw the reader in and I thought you did a good job of that - the descriptions pulled me in until I was deep inside the words trying to unravel the meaning of the poem. Well done.